Two steps forward one step back

 You ever have a dream so real you woke up and had to think about it. I can't be the only one who has these dreams. Come on guys lets be honest here it is a safe place. 

Anyway for the past few nights I have had some realistic dreams, not the oh I won a million dollars and all my problems are gone kind of dreams but those that are probability my inner fears are leaking into my subconscious. In my life I have been told  those fears are never to be spoken of you just deal with them. 

So why then am I having these fears that is what I really need to unpack, but where to start?  And is it really worth the trouble......

I have never been really afraid of anything, love horror movies don't really fret the small stuff I was diagnosed with Cancer 2 times so far and not a wince, so what now has me looking inward wanting to crawl inside a hole instead of facing the world.

No Liz you are being a bit dramatic, you can handle this I mean you have been through the rounds on so many levels. But your unsteady footing and being unsure of who you can and can't trust that is real. 

First things first it wasn't just one thing. I think I have to go back a bit further then just this incident I have had several life changing events in the last decade. Through no fault of my own for the most part. But I have had to make life adjustments, start over and find my way on more then one time. That is not taking into account the things I have carried for other people I have chosen to do that one as well so no real blame other then myself. But my family has had some real doozies. We will just leave it at that. 

How ever the this cookie crumbled it did.... and now to find a way to piece it back together. I don't think it will be easy. I have had trust broken from people I have been friendly to actual friends, family has turned out to be not so family like. My body had betrayed me in so many ways. I have had to try to start over from the bottom and that is not easy. This on top of losing those who mean so much to me, seeing those who don't deserve praise get ahead. I have had my character attacked. My family life attacked. people have snickered, pointed and talked about us. We have been the target of smear campaigns and hate. I say we have faced all of this but I have tried to smooth it out each time for everyone. 

So when this person who obviously saw weakness at the moment took advantage it was just too much to handle it was just one straw too much and I broke. It truly wasn't my finest moment. I haven't never wanted to die. I have fought so hard to stay alive through every uphill battle. I am not a weak person never have been yet here I am frail unsure and starting over from the very bottom AGAIN.

The bonus question asked in every appointment I have is how do we prevent this from happening again? I do not have a clear answer at least one that would be acceptable to any medical professional at least. I am not that person. I will never let myself get to that place ever again. But how Liz. First things first I will be more honest with how I am feeling when I feel overwhelmed I just internalize it. Like I was taught just suck it up. Well I now know I can't do that because it becomes too much. I also have to be ok with just being enough for me, and having a little left over for the cubs. but then there lies a problem how much is enough. 

Those kinds of questions don't really have an answer I suppose, play it by ear go on instinct be vigilant all that jazz I suppose. But first I have to familiarize myself with my new me. The one who doesn't have all the answers the one who has deep seeded fear and the one who worries. I don't like this new me. She doesn't trust anyone, let alone herself. So I guess I will have to work on that.

I am oh so grateful for those who have stood beside me know me and are being in my corner just know I see you and I am working on finding my way back to some resemblance of who I was it is just taking a bit of time. These next few days should be helpful with that. 

Don't give up hope on me I am in there I am here somewhere. Until tomorrow I guess 

finding myself through reflection

 I spent most of the day clearing out the junk of my life.... both metaphorically and in my house. Clutter, it makes you say how in the hell did I end up with all of this.....JUNK.

In my home it is easy enough my husband is half mouse half packrat. He collects things, one time he decided he needed pallets, no not one or 10 pallets it was truck loads on truck loads of them. We still have these pallets at the ranch and I still don't know why he needed them. That is just who he is. Just have to accept all the parts of him and I do. In return I collect craft things not just simple paper and scissors but like all the things bits and bobbles everything. You just never know.

I also just love clothes shoes and pretty things I am not sure if it is because I like clothes am addicted to shopping or if it's from my childhood not having enough. Whatever the reason I have more then one person should ever had. staring at my room I just get the feeling of overwhelming dread. Totally self inflected no one to blame but me. I also know I need to thin things out.

That goes for my mind as well if I sit too long I start to look to hard on the situation trying to make sense of it. Why does someone have to blow up another's life what joy do you get from that? What purpose did it have? I can't do that I can't reflect on what others are thinking or doing. Shit I can't for my own well being. 

I can however do a mental clean up of who in my life needs to stay and who it no longer matters if they are here or not.  I do not mean that in any way to be mean or hateful, but one thing this situation has brought to my eyes and I can not ignore is the fact that there are people out there that will reach out check on you worry for your well being because they care and there are those who question the situation because they are nosy. I am a firm believer in if you have my number you matter enough to me to talk to in real life. that goes for me as well if I want to know something I don't read all the posts about it, I don't ask those who are close to that person, I ask the person. If I don't know the person in real life then I really don't focus on the situation what ever it is.  We all have shit, we all have issues and not everyone is meant to be a part of our journey. Social media has given us this untethered look at everyone and we think because someone has clicked yes when you it sends you a friend request that somehow they are intitled to every aspect of our lives. Most notably the hard parts. The parts we struggle with. No You do NOT have full access to me or my issues. I will share what I feel I need to share.

I have chosen to share my lowest point yes, I needed to work through this publicly at least the parts I want to share. That however does not give you license to ask about my well being to any member of my family. Just ask me gee it might even help to hear from you. I try to always be honest with everyone about whatever it is, however I do not want to be the reason you whisper or gossip. There is no need. Truly. 

When we were younger and my husband drank and did the idiot things men did I hated when people would feel like they were protecting me if they didn't tell me things I would find out anyway. A real friend will tell you the hard things and hold your hand while you cry they won't judge you for your choices and they will always understand. They may not like it but they will stand beside you. That is a real friend. Like I said my husband and I had a rocky start. I don't make excuses for him I am perfectly aware of what happened and what didn't. This person however invented an entire life, contradicting themselves I didn't know you but then saying but you were mean to me. which was it. You and your friends hated me but, I don't know you I didn't know you. I moved away but he followed me. When when did this happen. I am still so confused. I know I promised I wouldn't speak on that epic fantasy this person had but I still go back and forth in my mind about how and why. 

Anyone who knows me and my family knows we do absolutely everything together. So when I started to take apart what was said the more I realize it just couldn't be unless there was a twin or something. So I have to start to think about why why would this person I have no idea even existed before last week, would want to rip my world apart and what purpose it had. 

I still don't have an answer for why.... obsession maybe they mentioned my family on TV so what you wanted the fame but we weren't famous for 30 years only one. and we aren't famous now. so still confused. My daughter was mentioned. as was my mother in law. still not clear how you thought they would just ignore me and what? ?? so confused. I know I can't keep going around and around with this. obviously this person is not ok. But that is not for me to prove. I have to get better. and I am working on that.

This situation is not the only reason this happened I broke because I wanted and needed to be everything. I had to have total control always. I have always been this way trying to control every situation and I have to retrain my brain to letting go of what I can not control and being ok if I don't know the outcome of a situation. 

That I think will the harder thing to do. I right now while I write this am trying to control this how this will be viewed. But I can't you all will believe what you want or need to believe. You all will think whatever you think and I can't control that. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with. 

So you all that read this and any future things I write will interpret it how you see fit, and yes you will judge me how you see fit. I have to be ok with that, after all I have chosen this for myself. This is the ultimate experiment of how well adjusted I am. Maybe this is me daring that person to step forward and prove their story I know that won't ever happen. 

That isn't the true goal I do know two things for sure, I am still here still standing, and I am somehow stronger not weaker, and I know that I am not a super human, I was brought to point of breaking shit I broke in a pretty stupid way, but it has helped me to see what my weaknesses are and how I can fortify them. 

I am still pretty gun shy when it comes to going out in public but each day it is getting easier.. Things are becoming clearer. 

If you have questions ask me if not just enjoy the ride I guess. another day out and still not many answers for the questions I have. I may never get them.  Part of this journey is accepting that and knowing I really don't need them, I guess.

Make it all make sense......

 I woke up this morning and I was so confused. I was confused about a few things but the one thing that confused me more then anything is how some people pretend to care. Yes I mean what I said they pretend to care, either for their own gratification or their need to be needed or shit just to find out first hand the gossip and be on the inside.

These are good doers the ones that always have advice for anyone going through anything. They know it all but they are pretending, because they never address their own issues no they instead interject themselves into others lives for a short amount of time and then move on.

We all know them professional grievers, first at a tragedy you know them I know them and they have always rubbed me the wrong way.

Now don't get me wrong I have asked for some time to heal I am not taking phone calls I am not really answering texts because I just don't trust myself just yet. But there are people who have reached out offered words of encouragement or just a little bit of a story of what I mean to them or whatever. I truly appreciate each and every one of those people I love those that are in my life. BUT there are also those who were first to be here, first to see the shit happen and then haven't tried to talk to me or anyone in my family. These are the people I know are the ones who are telling a story that isn't the truth, they couldn't possibility have all the facts yet I know they are speaking on my name.....

on my trauma. that idiotic word my trauma we all have trauma I just couldn't carry anymore, I know that is not the story being told in certain circles but whatever.

I have always lived by the creed don't judge others because we all have shit we have to weed through some of us are just better at it. I was usually one of those people. 

I had a discussion with my husband, I told him he didn't do this to me, not alone, I did it to myself, I chose to carry too much try to be too much and this is the result of that.

My therapist asked me so what do you think you could have done differently? Now that is the million dollar question. How do we retrain our brain to care less, about what people who don't know you think? What about the people who do know you how do we control what they think .... the answer is you can't.

I have had to realize in the last week that the perception of you and the real you they have to be the same. It wasn't that I wasn't real but it is that I just picked and choose what I share. protect yourself. This opened me up to being attacked with things that couldn't be proven but also gave me enough doubt in me that it didn't matter.

Never give someone else that power. easier said then done for sure, but I am working toward that. so the new me the me that has a million flaws who doesn't have the answers and the one who is scared that is the new me. 

Am I ok with that well I guess we will see. I am no longer going to be the fix it all. I can't be. Now the relearning starts and it starts with having people around me that want to be around me not because I need friends or family but because they want to be a part of my life just like I want to be part of theirs. 

that saying power in numbers that is a myth I choose to believe its better to have 4 quarters then 10 dimes or 20 nickels yes they both add up to the same but the quality is what really matters don't spread yourself too thin.