In the land of hay Ya's and Yee Haws.

 For as long as I can remember I have learned about our people. Our people our race. Our plight our fight our existence. All of it. I learned about all of it.

I learned of the dangers of the different kinds of genocide that were continually introduced to us. I learned that evil man with the little mustache modeled his camps after our residential schools.  I learned all the stuff not put in the history books.

So in honor of the beginning of Native American History Month (Thanks Obama) I decided I would write down my thoughts on all of this. a little change of pace for me, in fact I do have some stuff to get off my chest after attending the annual INFR but that will be for another day, today I want to speak on these matters. Because these matters matter.

It is kind of strange to see Native issues in the forefront of things like the Oscar race and in the music world. Now if you are living under a rock you wouldn't know about these issues, but if like me you live in the world you know all about Buffy and Killers of the Flower Moon. So which do I tackle first? Which deserves more of my time of my thoughts..... they both do.  There are problems with both of these current issues. And on the flip side they both have some positives. 

I met him on the Pow Wow Trail....... 

Everyone in Indian Country knows this line, shit we have all sung it at the top of our lungs at a 49 party or driving in a car with our friends. Her relevance to our people is not even measurable, or undeniable. She put our people and their fight on the map. I never really liked her now no one tell my dead mother that because Buffy was her friend, but it is true. I have never like people who try too hard to make others see them, and one thing about Buffy is that she makes people look at her.

Buffy in all her glory is defined best by her own child, who said an Italian woman with a big nose is not beautiful but tell the world she is Indian and all of a sudden.....

The real problem one that is just being brought to light is one that no one and everyone simultaneously wants to tackle. The pretend Indian the fake, there are people who say there are over 200,000 people pretending to be first nations, getting what little funding and fame that brings. But in my mind there is so many more they have made up an entire race to infringe on native rights. a part of the continued genocide which has moved to on paper. 

The fascination with our race is nothing new. it is equal parts curiosity and hubris. I fancy myself a history buff, not just the history of my people which I am well versed in but in history in general. History proves that the victor writes the history. Think about that statement. The battle with the Indian was never won, there was a peace treaty signed.... then slowly violated but none the less it was a peace treaty, the white man has taken it on himself to write our history. People like Buffy took this and decided that she would give herself a bit of our history. 

She really wasn't the first to do this but by far she is the most successful at it. For their entire lives here on turtle island white people have been claiming things that are ours and passing them off as their own. There is no way we can be smart enough to create things, invent things, name things. When you look through the tapestry that makes up Canada and the United States, our people's hands are all over every aspect of it.  The constitution of the USA was taken from the eastern tribes and the name Canada was taken from the same people. Various sports, inventions, cities and locations all taken from Native words, yet the credit until recently has never been given to those who it should be.

I do not think what Buffy did was ok in fact what she did was something worse then pretending to be something she never was but she also worked her way into a tribe, a wolf in sheepskin. Studying learning and using that tribe for her own personal gain. Our tribe has had various people who have done this, marrying our members attending our ceremonies and then sharing what they have learned for profit. PROFIT. our ancestors once said when signing treaties we can not trade the lands for money because if you throw the dirt on a fire it won't burn but if you throw your money on the fire it will. The land will outlast your paper money. We didn't think the way a white person thinks we still don't in some ways. the things done by Buffy, were for fame and profit, it was never for the people surrounding her with love. 

If we are to attack her for what she did then we should be battling against other ways the white man is attacking us namely the Metis. This made up construct of people who can not provide their linage do not belong to any tribe, but yet somehow are equal to our tribal people is a new attack on us, and one where we feel we should not speak up. Take a step back and realize that they too have taken what is not theirs and claimed it for their own. If our collective outrage should be directed anywhere it should be there before it is too late.

and that is where I will leave the Buffy section.... "As I go back to Canada"

As a Blackfoot woman I have a sense of pride as I see pictures of Lily Gladstone on TV's posters, and in the news. Man she got to meet Leo...... and Dinero I mean.... come on how cool. Then you read the reviews..... mostly great mostly praise

Except for a few who have decided why if these people were so well off why would they subject themselves to being married to the white man? Why would they let a white man dictate their finances? 

Of course the source material was written by a white man, like I stated before they write their own version of history. But this did happen I watched the movie and there were explanations not included in the either the book or the screenplay.

There have always been these checks and balances as they were called in every deal made with my people. We after all were, savages and in their eyes incapable of handling our own finances let alone caring for ourselves. Women of that tribe married non natives because even though their elders didn't approve they wanted to have control and marrying one gave them more control because then the white man became their care giver.  These choices affect our race even today.

Because we have been told our ways are evil, the English language beat into us and their churches forced onto us we still have this way of looking at the world. We have this misguided outlook that we simultaneously have zero trust and look for their approval. 

We knew we couldn't trust the white man but to this day we must ask for approval for every thing we do on our reservations. We are not allowed to control our finances totally, we have to request for everything we need to do, and our core funding although it comes from our own money we can not use as we wish. Federal governments control our monies, our membership, and our day to day activities. 

We all know our treaty numbers, these numbers are rattled off for most tribal business, no one has taken the time to realize what these numbers are, these are tracking tools. Another tool set up to watch us. the only difference between us and those in Germany is our number is not tattooed on our forearm. 

I think although this book and movie is out there and only tells a part of Molly and her family it is a beginning and now our people can start to tell our tribal stories because we all have them. Each tribe has stories of horror and killing. Now is the time for our people to step out of the shadows not ask for permission but to take the reigns and get the real history out there.

Each of these things is proof that our stories our lives are still being profited off by non natives. Now is the time for us to take our history back. Buffy got away with her lie for her entire adult life made millions of dollars, and the tribe she claims never benefitted from one dollar. At least when the Movie was made of the book Killers of the Flower Moon, The Osage people were consulted their language spoken and their people were used when they were able to. It may be small steps but they are steps in the right direction.

Now it up to my generation to work towards getting the stories out there, in which ever way we choose to do so and to ensure that our children and their children are made aware of where we were and where our people are going.

As for the pretendindians all of them, I see you and no matter the backlash we must defend what is ours. My first step is to say publicly that there is no Metis nation. they are not a nation, they are not a race, if you are first nations, trace your linage back to a tribe, give proof. There are only 3 types of animal that are required to provide proof of who they are......

Dogs

Horses

and Indians.

If you have Indian blood you can prove it on paper we all have to, so should you. These are your rules all we ask is you follow them.

Facing fears and eating Arbys

 We all shy away from the difficult conversations no matter what they are. We would rather live with the discomfort of the thing eating us up from the inside rather then face the thing whatever it is and deal with it.

All families fight. But those that are true to themselves learn how to forgive, move forward and keep loving one another. At least in my world. I have had knock down drag out fights with cousins. Fists and angry words. But you know what I would give my life for any member of my family at any time. The kicker is I know within my family it would be the exact same for me. 

All families fight, again words of wisdom from my mother. " All families fight Lizzie, you aren't normal if you don't fight. We say what we need to say, cuss if you have to swing if it comes to that. Then it's done we move on as a family."

I kind of lost sight of that. You can say the horrible things to your family, the dark things that weigh you down. they are there to lift you up. Make you laugh and then we move forward, together. I didn't count on my family instead I tried to protect them from even me. 

It backfired they were there when I woke up the ones who mattered most my children. Phone calls from my extended family, for days and now weeks to remind me of who I am who we are and that I am never alone.

I am stronger because of my family who raised me and who I raised. It doesn't matter if 1000 people want to rain on my parade I am proud of the muck and shit I walked through to get to this point in my life.

I remember the only time in my entire life I went to jail........

I had just barely turned 17 thought I was grown.... you all know. We had snuck out the night before I was with my younger cousin, she was a little more free spirited then I was and I went home to my aunts house. She didn't, I heard my aunt say how much shit she was in so I called a friend of my big little brother to give me a ride. I found her. 

At a fucking house party in the middle of the day...... so was it was in Browning..... the friend came in with me looked around and promptly left my ass there. I would have done the same damn thing. I found her hanging with a bunch of kids in a room just as I found her the cops came. Now I am from Canada now and I didn't know the golden rule..... RUN.

Needless to say I wound up in the back of a cop car, trying unsuccessfully to talk my way out of the handcuffs they had me in. I was going to jail ..... oh shit my mom is going to kill my ass. I guess I wont be visiting in Browning for a while. 

We got into the Jail we didn't go into a cell we were in a holding room, me and the cousin. Her mom came in and began to let's just say give her some punishment. The cops finally ask auntie what you want to do with them .... "leave their asses in here." 

The little cousin she got released to another cousin who she was staying with..... My mom was in Canada, so I was SOL I spent the night in jail trying to save the cousin and she was sleeping in a warm bed. I was so mad but also so relieved she was ok.

Moral of the story sometimes we go through the worst shit to protect those we love and we get the shit end of the stick, BUT your family they will do the same for you. Everyone was so apologetic after this and I wasn't even mad. I had a cool jail story didn't get my ass beat by mom and it all worked out so in the end it was ok.

Why share that story to show how you have to let your guard down to save those who need it she didn't know she needed me to save her at the time years later she told me that the kids she was hanging with were messing with drugs. Maybe I saved her for a bit, either way you have to defend those who you love and I have always done that. 

Now those who find constant fault or blame you for their actions those are the kind of people you have to cut loose. I have had to in the last two weeks look deep into my life those around me and cut the ones who wouldn't walk half way to help me when I would cross mountains for them. This is the hardest thing I think but I remind myself these people in my life they also have my number can contact me on social media. But those that actively avoid me, or worse talk about things without even reaching out well those people don't really care and I have to basically put the same energy in as I am given. 

 Seeing people who you think highly of fall from grace is pretty hard. I was that person for a lot of people my people so trying to prove that it was moment of weakness in 48 years and not at all who I was or who I will be going forward. I have to remember this as those who want to gossip about it or try to hold one incident against me. These people will find fault in anything I do. We do not need these people and somehow the trash always removes themselves.

I have had a day of tears, but also of conversations that were not easy. Facing what happened the real reasons and trying to rebuild the trust and understanding is a day by day thing but the first step is always facing the hard things, and a big beef and cheder always helps.

Tomorrow is a new day can't promise it will be any easier to face anything but as long as you put in the work with those that matter they will be there to support you. The rest can kick several rocks.

Dear Me

 The payoff of 10 days of writing of self reflecting is that in the end you get to forgive yourself. Bonus points for having to write a letter to yourself in the past to forgive. One big thing I have learned is that forgiveness is never for the person or people who you feel have wronged you or hurt you, it is for you, when we carry hurt when we carry trauma in us it's like a rock we carry while trying to swim.

The more you hold on to the bigger the rock. Bigger the rock harder to swim. 

As a native person we all carry generational trauma, things totally out of our control things that happened to our parents and their parents. These things these past things are a result of so much done to our people and it is up to us, to start to break these cycles.

Up to me to break my family cycles.

As a parent I understand how native parents think how my mom thought, as my in laws thought. Our children were taken stolen abused, physically and mentally. Their identity was stripped and they tried to rebuild us into them. The only problem is our DNA is part of the land, our souls our spirits could never be broken completely. So they walked through the world wounded. These wounds were deep they are hard to overcome, because although we have had the tools to survive these tools also made us hard. We walk through this world a lot of us believing in the church now not because we truly believe, but because that believe was beat into us, like prisoners of war we complied to survive. I do not want to take the solace religion gives to anyone one but the trauma bond our people have with the church is not one built out of love of the word but of fear of what will happen if we don't attend. Our language, mannerisms, and the way we raise our families are all a result of what happened at those buildings by people whom we were forced to trust.

Because of this underlying issue because of this we hold our families closer, we try to prevent hurt, yet we are not affectionate, or really understanding. We have an entire generation of children who are now parents raised by those who attended the very schools designed to assimilate or eliminate which ever came first. Tis a very strange world we live in we are the children who were taught not to embrace who we were, this was out of fear. I shouldn't say we as my mom didn't grow up here in Canada so she was more vocal more willing to talk about who we are. My father how ever did. He suffered the most horrible of stories of course that is his story to tell not mine. Because of this he was always more distant more isolated. 

So I as most parents said to myself I will never be them, however there are things that have seeped into my life. I hold to hard to long. I try to control every situation, but I also try to fix every situation. My fight or flight is not even for me it's for my children, and my family. Protection.

Part of the reason I fell so hard is I didn't have control over what was being said, what was happening. Truth or facts didn't matter my brain couldn't compute it.

I need to accept that I am not a savior I am not perfect and most of all people are going to talk to attack and not like me. I have to just be confident in who I am, accept who I am faults and all and let go of what is out of my control.

So easy right......

That is the problem I keep going back to and don't know if I will ever truly be the person I should be, but I am working on it.

Acceptance is part of healing it's like in the serenity prayer that addicts quote.

"accept the things I can not change and know the difference."

So where does this leave me. Well truthfully this dive into self reflection has brought me to trying to solve bigger issues with my people I think that is a Coping mechanism for me why focus on the small stuff when there are these bigger problems don't be so selfish help your people. My mothers voice. I think that is how she coped. She couldn't fix her husband so lets just fix all our people get them rights teach them about everything and dedicate your life to them. Start a College, get people educated then they will fight for themselves.

Something my mom said in her later years while she was doing a study for a tourism center for our people was right now your story your history is being told by people who never lived it they are making money off of who they think we are. Do you want some middle aged white man telling the world who the Blackfoot people are or do you want to own your own history. 

I guess that imprinted on me pretty heavily as I still am looking to help our people rise back up, sadly the ones holding us back are ourselves. In that sense the experiment of Kill the Indian save the child worked. we do not think we have the power or knowledge to guide ourselves in to the next century.

But we do.

My healing has started but my need to help my people see themselves out of the darkness is always on my mind. So I am going to work to better this world for my grand daughter, for her generation. Through all the horrors our people have gone through we have to keep on swimming. So I am letting the rocks that are holding me down go. I can't change every person but I can make me a better version and that is what I am doing.

The anger and hurt that have been handed to me in so many ways by so many people some because they just didn't know better and those who needed me to hurt to make themselves feel better. I also am forgiving myself for not being the best mom. wife. sister, daughter, friend, and family member. I am forgiving myself for being a product of who I was raised to be but also for who I became.

We are warriors. Stoic, fighters.

All of these things designed to make us resilient, to make us survive have also hindered us. We don't believe in showing weakness, we do not talk about the things that make us uncomfortable. The street people, the people struggling with addiction, they are there because of this. When you push the shit down and just keep going you will need something to help you cope. More proof that a simple switch can't be turned on and off. 

Now I can be an advocate for help, counselling, therapy, medication when needed. all of these things along with finding your sense of purpose those are the tools that are going to help us.

I will end with this my biggest hero was my grandma, She worked her entire life with those same street people getting people sober, helping them, there were days where we would drive around with her giving food or jackets to the bums. She would say if they are hungry give them food if they are cold give them a jacket, but money that gives them booze. I have taught my kids this simple life lesson. I so wanted to be her as a child. I would sit in her office and watch her work. She did carry a secret well it wasn't that secret she could help every struggling person in town except the one she went home to every night. Now as a wife I can see the pain she must have felt the hopelessness, but still she rose everyday went to work and did her part. She is still my hero and I aim to be her everyday.

Forgive, let it go and move on 

With this the 10 days are done.  I will continue to write but hopefully my outlook and my thoughts will be on the happier side. either way thank you without you also I would not be here today. 

Columbus Who.......

 I know this may seem a bit off topic but really this "holiday" and who we really are really does fall into my healing process. So here I go today I choose to honor my mother who is such a huge part of who I am today even when I do not like to admit it to myself. Every choice she made with me or for me has shaped who I am.

From my earliest memory I have known who I am. I was almost slapped in the face with it. My mother graduated in 1969, she was right in the middle of the hippie movement in the white world but in the Indian world it was time of being fed up, drum beats of knowledge and resistance. Because of this she never sugarcoated anything about my race, my sex, and my place in this world. Now don't get me wrong as a child it was a lot of eye rolls and "I KNOWS". But now that I am an adult I find myself giving the same gusto she did when I speak on who I am and more importantly why I am.

As a female Native I was born with 2 strikes against me in a 3 strike world. "you are a woman, so automatically in the western world you are not equal to don't you ever forget that, and as a native woman no one cares in the western world you are even less than." I have molded my life around that fact. In the news today it is even more blaringly apparent. The western world will move mountains to find any girl unless she is native. I could go deeper into this mindset but for the purpose of this blog I think we will skate past this one. 

From about the age of 5 I can remember learning about wounded knee AIM, the fight of all native people, why did the tribes in California take back Alcatraz? And why the Fuck should I care? Let's start with my people.

Before it was widely accepted I learned about the Blackfoot Confederacy as a whole. I have never seen our Confederacy as 4 separated tribes but one people divided because we could not be conquered as a whole. "The Blackfoot are warriors Liz." 

Eye Roll

I learned of the battles we fought, but also the systematic genocide that we have been subjected to since that Spaniard got lost at sea and thought he found India. There are things that are in history books and then there are things that we learn because our elders and their elders spoke of them. We have a complete history of our people in the words and actions that is embedded in our DNA. 

I heard of Starvation Winter. something that to this day is not in any history book. The truth of it, the torture that was inflicted on our people, all in an attempt to starve us, poison us, eliminate the Indian problem. 

Since 1491 we have been assisting the lost tourists. Because at our core no matter the tribe, we are a people who help each other help those around us. More locally the border towns namely here on Blood Reserve, have lost sight on all the assistance the Blackfoot and more so the Kainai people have given them. That too is rewritten. 

Every event where we as a race helped another it has been met with the other party wanting more taking more and then shunning us.

and yet we survive and yet we prosper, we are still here in spite of the continued onslaught of hate and distrust. 

So today when Canada celebrates not going hungry because of our people and America celebrates a tourist getting lost, I celebrate the resilience of my people and the knowledge my mother handed down.

and yet still I rise

now eat your turkey or find your sales and keep on keeping on being brown

What's Love Got To Do With It??

 Well I made it TWO freaking weeks of writing my thoughts ramblings and all that Jazz. I managed not to name names point fingers or displace blame onto others.

Am I cured? of what I am not sure but no I am most defiantly not cured of all that broke me, I still have the thoughts no matter how hard I try, you replay parts of your life or your entire life. Doing so has however made me remember who I am. 

Who I am without saying I am his wife, their mom, your friend, the person who deserved to be destroyed.

No I was not born of money, but I was taught to work hard, out work everyone. There are 3 keys to success in life knowledge, hard work, and personality. I have all those things with or without anyone beside me so it's time to start thinking like I know who I am.

I have been doing so much self reflection, looking inside myself. Finding out what makes Liz tick, well it seems there is so much more to me then the outside. Yes my insides are still a mess, but that is what makes me human.

I had a very strong memory of my childhood, my big little brother and I growing up were for lack of a better term shit kids. we tormented each other the neighborhood and all of our older cousins. I always had to bounce shit off of him from being a little monster right up to today. Somehow nothing is undoable if I first talk to him about it. He has always been able to see inside, and just know. I try to be that same thing for him but I know deep down he has always been stronger and I just always fall in line with him. 

Well the day of my incident, he called me a few hours before, it was a normal enough call but he was fishing asking me questions and kept going back to how are you. I would answer like I always do fine it is what it is what did you need from me. I never imagined that so much would be dumped on my head in just a few hours after that I didn't have the strength to overcome it. I would never imagine I would ever be that low. 

strangely talking to him this week we had both had the same thought we both thought of my mom and how she felt what she went through and he said I never want to see you like that. She forgot who she was and let the negative win over and over don't you do that Liz. and I promised him but more importantly promised myself never again.

NEVER AGAIN!!

So where does that leave me now. Firstly I started writing again and that is a win. Like I said at the beginning of this journey I have always fancied myself a writer so I think I am going to keep this Blog up, and I am going to give stories from my life hopefully they will a bit more on the chipper side HOWEVER life is life so you never know. Secondly I am going to continue therapy. It is helping. 

But most importantly I am never going to hang my identity on anyone but myself. I am a mother wife sister friend and community member but above all of those things I am me, every hurdle I have overcome, every time I have stumbled I and I alone has picked me up and kept going. This time is no different there is just farther to climb back up.

I can do it and right now I feel better then I did yesterday, and I can actually go about my day without tears. That in itself is such as good thing. I was never one for tears or outward emotion. Don't get me wrong I am passionate about things, speak loudly, stand my ground if I believe in something I can defend that. but I am not emotional, I never have let emotions get in the way of logic before this so having to figure out how to balance my emotions and the logic of what is right and wrong, that is what I am figuring our right now. 

I also have given up on trying to control every situation, my children, and my husband all have lives that they need to live, my involvement will be what they need not what I want. 

I also am not always the only answer. that is the hardest one to swallow. I have always studied every situation to ensure that I know I KNOW. nut now I need to let people figure out things on their own.

That statement is the scariest thing I have thought or said. But I can not carry the load of everyone anymore. Mentally or physically I can't do it so hello this is the new and maybe improved me. 

If you know me personally and I seem aloof or distant just know I am not I am just finding my footing and it will all be ok eventually.

I may have damaged my heart but it is still there and the love I have for my true friends and family will never waiver, never change. 

Until tomorrow I everyone. 

Cutting out the Old

 Does anyone remember the bumper stickers of old with the bubble letters, cute little pictures? 

JUST KEEP TRUCKIN'

Yeah it's one of those nights I think. Because we have all lived by this statement at one time or another. At least I have. No matter what the issue you just keep truckin..... You got this.

You've got this.

I went and got my hair cut today. Bless my daughter she is trying to help me find myself again. The old Liz before would get her hair done, get pedicures, and care. I knew who I was why I was and no matter what happened I was sure of that.

Power through you got this 

I never thought doing this simple thing would help me like it did though and that is the truth. Changing things up and looking at the before and the after sure helps a lot. It really does.  I feel like I can face the world handle the questions and most importantly I can breathe and live. I know your outsides don't usually match your insides. Most times in fact your insides are torn the fuck up and your outside is like the shield to protect yourself.

The real question should be why do we have to hide how we really feel about somethings, why do we have to put a brave face on.

My big little brother put it pretty plainly to me yesterday however....... We all have people that hate us we all have people talking shit. What have we done this entire life Liz? so when are we done being sad? when is the pity party over and when do we get pissed off and take care of this shit?

I guess right now. I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be the one who takes a stand anymore but yet here I am doing it. Even though I don't want to be that person anymore because my initial instinct is to climb in a hole and ignore the world I am standing up and yelling at the top of my lungs......

Bring it.

Everything in my life in the last 33 years, is mine I have worked so hard to be me. I am pretty damn smart, I can handle any situation I have had thrown in my way up to this point. My problem continues to be that I can solve problems. I can be strong and I don't waiver. I needed and will continue to need to know my limits. 

As crazy as it sounds I have to learn how to balance everything because I can't totally change who I have been. I have to be ok with not fixing everything even when I try. I also have to admit its fine to cry but like I learned years ago cry until its done then it's over no more wallowing.

If someone thinks they lived my life good luck if you want my life you couldn't handle it. I have lived through more then I will ever admit and I am still standing.

Did you know that the vitamins I take saved my life. they did. Counter acted the sleeping pills and because of this they never took full affect. I was not aware this would happen but it did. Devine intervention maybe or maybe I just wasn't done in this world and I just needed this reset. 

Whatever the reason I am here facing my demons and still standing like always so I just Keep On Truckin. 

The Old Me and New Me are the same ME

My entire life I have never been the weak one, suck it up......

At five I broke my arm playing with all my cousins who happen to be boys. I was told quiet directly that if I cried I would NEVER be able to play with them again. I promptly got up and walked in my grandparents house laid on the couch and never whimpered once.  I don't know how many hours later my grandfather came home asked why I was just laying inside I said oh I'm just tired. I don't remember the pain at all I do however remember I got to ride in an ambulance and got McDonalds. That was amazing.

Life gets hard you don't cry about it you just figure a way through it. I have had to leave in the middle of the night because of some bullshit my father was on about one thing or another. Thankfully I had my cousin who is like my sister and best friend all rolled into one. She saved me so many times. But no tears. nope you just get through it. 

I have so many examples. Appendix needed to be removed I drove myself to hospital, and then checked myself out the next day. Shattered my arm went to a rodeo with the family the next weekend because I couldn't disappoint my child. Part of my colon removed home the same day. same with every surgery I have ever had. I don't have time to be sick or hurt or weak.

Part of the problem part of why I broke so bad is because I have always been so strong. I push past the pain put it away and deal. If it's losing someone, if its an emergency of some kind..... no one has time for mom to fall apart I have to hold it together.

I had a conversation with my cousin who could be my twin we have grown up together and are still so close, he knows me as well as I know myself. He told me I couldn't hide shit from him he knew something was wrong even before I did. I just couldn't verbalize it still having trouble doing it. But he knew.  He talked some sense into me today. 

He reminded me that we are stronger then we realize that we have lived through more then most people have ever, and it's ok to be sad but pull your self up and keep on moving. I broke because I became stagnant I forgot to keep moving forward, got comfortable. 

People are always going to hate on you speak ill of your name it's up to you do fight it off ignore it or just say fuck it. Somewhere in the last week I forgot all that.

I told him I was tired of fighting tired of being sick. I said it's unfair there are people who are addicts who live healthy lives for decades I feel like my body betrayed me. It isn't fair. But that is life and I can either cry about it or get the fuck over it.

I have been living in this holding pattern for the last little while afraid to bite the bullet afraid to do much of anything fighting illness will do that to you I suppose. But I can't keep doing this to myself. 

What was said to me how it was said that was designed to hurt to cut me and it did. But I am not broken. I am me I have fought and won every battle put in my path. 

As the big little brother said when are we done being sad and when do we start kicking ass. I guess right now I was trying to not be angry I was trying to be kind but that isn't my defense I fight back I fight my way out and now it's time to start fighting. 

Fighting for me. I do not need to replay what happened it already happened and I am still here. so starting today I start living for me. My family is welcome to come along but at this point this is about me and I will be ok. 

I went out did a photoshoot today and although the fear of outside sat in my stomach I powered through and I realized those that know me and love me will always be there and I can't stop living just because someone else wants my life. Not many people are built to handle what I have lived through what I have and not many can battle for their life in so many ways like I have so sorry but you can never be me and I am stronger because of your weakness.

You played your hand. I folded but I am still in the game, This time I am ALL IN so bring it.