In the day and age in the age of Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat, all of trying to learn the new Tic Tok dances and post the perfect Instagram picture somehow we have convinced ourselves that our lives are needing to be perfect. We can't have these blemishes we can't have flaws. Your life must appear to be perfect. We have become accustom to only show the shiny parts of ourselves. This fact is a horrible side affect of the Social media age, a time when the pressure to be perfect is so great that an entire generation of humans are struggling with feelings of inadequacies and the rise of mental illness is on the rise. Or maybe it is just more apparent because we all share so much. Who really knows and all the studies are not really that clear.
Although I grew up in a generation before the internet was really a thing yup I am one of those Gen X'ers one of the chosen few who came of age in both before and after. As such we are stronger then most. In our day if someone had something to say they said it to your face. That approach saved a hell of a lot of heartache and misunderstanding. But in a sense we have all adapted to this media age where we have to share everything with everyone. I know none of you care what I had for dinner yet I will and am sharing that shit with you. We all scroll aimlessly on whatever app our phone has open and are force fed images and stories of who's wearing what and who is cool and god forbid who isn't. We find solace in numbers, adding as many people as we can our friends list is like a badge of honor we all wear. the little thumbs up sign or heart at the bottom of a post gives us endorphins and is fueling our self-worth. None of this however really shows the struggles all of face on a daily basis. None of this covers up the things that are happening in the moments leading up to or after that post has been uploaded.
This all brings me to my first Blog post I have been trying to decide how to start a blog for quite a while with the same inflated self-worth as everyone else I foolishly believe you all want to read this. knowing deep down no you really don't want or need to. I too am guilty of only showing the shiny parts the perfection that I think is my life. Never letting the real me show through entirely until now. Last night as I lay at the hospital after doing the most selfish thing I could ever attempt and the nurse and doctor from the Psych ward came to talk to me, I told them what had let me to this point and how I wasn't having a breakdown, I knew better and I would never attempt this again. How I have always been the levelheaded one weighing my options always being so confident in my way. Did I always make the right choice no but did I own every choice I have ever made DAMN RIGHT I do. That ownership included this and every person my actions hurt along the way. I told them trough tears what had brought me and that bottle of pills to this point. How there was no other action I could have taken in that moment. I was under a pile of rubble of pieces I was trying so hard to keep together and it took one person and her tales her hateful words to break me totally.
In my eyes my world everything I knew for 33 years was a lie. I looked around my house and wondered about every choice I had made, every word spoken every thought every feeling was it all a lie how? How did I the person who weighed every option get to this point how was I the fool How How How.
I don't need to go into the story that was spun or if I even believe it now, but at that moment there was no more Liz Fox. She didn't exist according to this person. They were the rightful owner to my life. They knew the real me and it was a fraud. And I believed them. I doubted everything I didn't trust in the things I had worked so hard to make happen. 15 minutes that is all it took to crush me and they knew it.
I am not big on regret ever I have always lived my life with you made the choice you make the most of that choice. BUT somehow all the choices I have made didn't have a foundation anymore. All the happy photographs in my mind they were now cloudy did any of it matter? For the first time in my life I did the selfish thing, I didn't think of my children I didn't think of any of my loved ones, my life my my my that was the only thoughts I had. I wasn't scared I didn't pause I just acted.
Flashes of EMTS my dogs being upset they were trying to reverse this. Just let me go it was all a lie all of it. every inner insecurity I have ever had flooded to surface of my mind in that time. No one likes you no one ever did. you are nothing you came from nothing you have nothing. your a fraud and it had been found out. Nothing was ever going to be the same. You all know now. I am not perfect. I am not the smartest person in the room. And my life is a lie.
A lie A lie A lie.
As I was starting to wake more realizing what I had done all the people I just hurt with my actions. Did I do this for attention did I want to be found. No, No I didn't I didn't see a way out. For the first time in my life I couldn't do as my grandfather had taught me, I wasn't the smartest person in the room I was the fool who believed. Now what? How do I fix this how do I go on. Believe me I had plenty of time alone hearing nothing but a heart monitor and my thoughts along with the tick tick tick of the clock.
Seeing the hurt in my kids eyes was the hardest thing to face. I didn't factor them or my new grandbaby into my selfish choice. I had always been the one with the answers. I had always been the compass for them now I am swinging wildly out of control. I did not want to face that disappointment. That guilt I will carry with me for the rest of my days. What about my husband .... then it was what about him. I needed to talk to him. But did I for myself or did I just want more hurt and I needed to have him do the hurting?
Answers I needed answers and he had them. Or did he? Is he just the comfort blanket that would make me feel more in control. Who knows.
He didn't come. He wasn't allowed. Everyone blamed him. I BLAMED HIM. FUCK HIM.....
No I can't have anger anymore that part died. So did my self confidence and assurance of who I am. This is a new world. One where the consequences of my selfish actions has to be at the forefront of every conversation I have at least for the time being.
The physical damage I did was there for all time. Inner scars I will have to wear a constant reminder of my own moment of weakness. The emotional hurt I put on every person who loves me. for what a moment of weakness. my own I have to own this.
I own this and I am reclaiming my power this is my life and only I get to write each page not that person who with 15 minutes and a story tried to destroy it all. Maybe their story is real maybe only parts of it are. But who I was before that call and after are totally different.
This is the new me. the one who has a few more war wounds, a crazy story, and is starting over without the shiny side that we show the world. I am tarnished I am not perfect. I have fallen as low as any person can fall. BUT I am here. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but I am in it and for that I am thankful.
Am I afraid of what people will think maybe but the need to have my truth out there is important. I need to know that it was for something my selfishness wasn't just for vanity wasn't just for attention. I am not nothing I do mean something and maybe just maybe I can help someone. Or I just really want the clicks and thumbs up. Either way this is my truth, My messy truth, The one that needs to breath air so that me and my family can heal.
If you want to gossip I say get it from the horses mouth. Well I am that horse and here it is from my mouth and no my story isn't over. There will be other stories to dwell on soon enough but for now you can chew on mine.
The Therapist suggested I write down what I thought to clear my mind. To help make sense of it all because I can't let the words dictate this new chapter. I can't let it rule who I am. And in this media age you all get to take this journey with me. The good the bad and all the in-between.
I am sorry for the pain I have caused all those I love but I truly think I needed this to wake up to find my footing and to be a better parent, grandparent and human.
If there is a tomorrow make the best of it because more then ever not everyone is guaranteed.
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