Dear Me

 The payoff of 10 days of writing of self reflecting is that in the end you get to forgive yourself. Bonus points for having to write a letter to yourself in the past to forgive. One big thing I have learned is that forgiveness is never for the person or people who you feel have wronged you or hurt you, it is for you, when we carry hurt when we carry trauma in us it's like a rock we carry while trying to swim.

The more you hold on to the bigger the rock. Bigger the rock harder to swim. 

As a native person we all carry generational trauma, things totally out of our control things that happened to our parents and their parents. These things these past things are a result of so much done to our people and it is up to us, to start to break these cycles.

Up to me to break my family cycles.

As a parent I understand how native parents think how my mom thought, as my in laws thought. Our children were taken stolen abused, physically and mentally. Their identity was stripped and they tried to rebuild us into them. The only problem is our DNA is part of the land, our souls our spirits could never be broken completely. So they walked through the world wounded. These wounds were deep they are hard to overcome, because although we have had the tools to survive these tools also made us hard. We walk through this world a lot of us believing in the church now not because we truly believe, but because that believe was beat into us, like prisoners of war we complied to survive. I do not want to take the solace religion gives to anyone one but the trauma bond our people have with the church is not one built out of love of the word but of fear of what will happen if we don't attend. Our language, mannerisms, and the way we raise our families are all a result of what happened at those buildings by people whom we were forced to trust.

Because of this underlying issue because of this we hold our families closer, we try to prevent hurt, yet we are not affectionate, or really understanding. We have an entire generation of children who are now parents raised by those who attended the very schools designed to assimilate or eliminate which ever came first. Tis a very strange world we live in we are the children who were taught not to embrace who we were, this was out of fear. I shouldn't say we as my mom didn't grow up here in Canada so she was more vocal more willing to talk about who we are. My father how ever did. He suffered the most horrible of stories of course that is his story to tell not mine. Because of this he was always more distant more isolated. 

So I as most parents said to myself I will never be them, however there are things that have seeped into my life. I hold to hard to long. I try to control every situation, but I also try to fix every situation. My fight or flight is not even for me it's for my children, and my family. Protection.

Part of the reason I fell so hard is I didn't have control over what was being said, what was happening. Truth or facts didn't matter my brain couldn't compute it.

I need to accept that I am not a savior I am not perfect and most of all people are going to talk to attack and not like me. I have to just be confident in who I am, accept who I am faults and all and let go of what is out of my control.

So easy right......

That is the problem I keep going back to and don't know if I will ever truly be the person I should be, but I am working on it.

Acceptance is part of healing it's like in the serenity prayer that addicts quote.

"accept the things I can not change and know the difference."

So where does this leave me. Well truthfully this dive into self reflection has brought me to trying to solve bigger issues with my people I think that is a Coping mechanism for me why focus on the small stuff when there are these bigger problems don't be so selfish help your people. My mothers voice. I think that is how she coped. She couldn't fix her husband so lets just fix all our people get them rights teach them about everything and dedicate your life to them. Start a College, get people educated then they will fight for themselves.

Something my mom said in her later years while she was doing a study for a tourism center for our people was right now your story your history is being told by people who never lived it they are making money off of who they think we are. Do you want some middle aged white man telling the world who the Blackfoot people are or do you want to own your own history. 

I guess that imprinted on me pretty heavily as I still am looking to help our people rise back up, sadly the ones holding us back are ourselves. In that sense the experiment of Kill the Indian save the child worked. we do not think we have the power or knowledge to guide ourselves in to the next century.

But we do.

My healing has started but my need to help my people see themselves out of the darkness is always on my mind. So I am going to work to better this world for my grand daughter, for her generation. Through all the horrors our people have gone through we have to keep on swimming. So I am letting the rocks that are holding me down go. I can't change every person but I can make me a better version and that is what I am doing.

The anger and hurt that have been handed to me in so many ways by so many people some because they just didn't know better and those who needed me to hurt to make themselves feel better. I also am forgiving myself for not being the best mom. wife. sister, daughter, friend, and family member. I am forgiving myself for being a product of who I was raised to be but also for who I became.

We are warriors. Stoic, fighters.

All of these things designed to make us resilient, to make us survive have also hindered us. We don't believe in showing weakness, we do not talk about the things that make us uncomfortable. The street people, the people struggling with addiction, they are there because of this. When you push the shit down and just keep going you will need something to help you cope. More proof that a simple switch can't be turned on and off. 

Now I can be an advocate for help, counselling, therapy, medication when needed. all of these things along with finding your sense of purpose those are the tools that are going to help us.

I will end with this my biggest hero was my grandma, She worked her entire life with those same street people getting people sober, helping them, there were days where we would drive around with her giving food or jackets to the bums. She would say if they are hungry give them food if they are cold give them a jacket, but money that gives them booze. I have taught my kids this simple life lesson. I so wanted to be her as a child. I would sit in her office and watch her work. She did carry a secret well it wasn't that secret she could help every struggling person in town except the one she went home to every night. Now as a wife I can see the pain she must have felt the hopelessness, but still she rose everyday went to work and did her part. She is still my hero and I aim to be her everyday.

Forgive, let it go and move on 

With this the 10 days are done.  I will continue to write but hopefully my outlook and my thoughts will be on the happier side. either way thank you without you also I would not be here today.