In the land of hay Ya's and Yee Haws.

 For as long as I can remember I have learned about our people. Our people our race. Our plight our fight our existence. All of it. I learned about all of it.

I learned of the dangers of the different kinds of genocide that were continually introduced to us. I learned that evil man with the little mustache modeled his camps after our residential schools.  I learned all the stuff not put in the history books.

So in honor of the beginning of Native American History Month (Thanks Obama) I decided I would write down my thoughts on all of this. a little change of pace for me, in fact I do have some stuff to get off my chest after attending the annual INFR but that will be for another day, today I want to speak on these matters. Because these matters matter.

It is kind of strange to see Native issues in the forefront of things like the Oscar race and in the music world. Now if you are living under a rock you wouldn't know about these issues, but if like me you live in the world you know all about Buffy and Killers of the Flower Moon. So which do I tackle first? Which deserves more of my time of my thoughts..... they both do.  There are problems with both of these current issues. And on the flip side they both have some positives. 

I met him on the Pow Wow Trail....... 

Everyone in Indian Country knows this line, shit we have all sung it at the top of our lungs at a 49 party or driving in a car with our friends. Her relevance to our people is not even measurable, or undeniable. She put our people and their fight on the map. I never really liked her now no one tell my dead mother that because Buffy was her friend, but it is true. I have never like people who try too hard to make others see them, and one thing about Buffy is that she makes people look at her.

Buffy in all her glory is defined best by her own child, who said an Italian woman with a big nose is not beautiful but tell the world she is Indian and all of a sudden.....

The real problem one that is just being brought to light is one that no one and everyone simultaneously wants to tackle. The pretend Indian the fake, there are people who say there are over 200,000 people pretending to be first nations, getting what little funding and fame that brings. But in my mind there is so many more they have made up an entire race to infringe on native rights. a part of the continued genocide which has moved to on paper. 

The fascination with our race is nothing new. it is equal parts curiosity and hubris. I fancy myself a history buff, not just the history of my people which I am well versed in but in history in general. History proves that the victor writes the history. Think about that statement. The battle with the Indian was never won, there was a peace treaty signed.... then slowly violated but none the less it was a peace treaty, the white man has taken it on himself to write our history. People like Buffy took this and decided that she would give herself a bit of our history. 

She really wasn't the first to do this but by far she is the most successful at it. For their entire lives here on turtle island white people have been claiming things that are ours and passing them off as their own. There is no way we can be smart enough to create things, invent things, name things. When you look through the tapestry that makes up Canada and the United States, our people's hands are all over every aspect of it.  The constitution of the USA was taken from the eastern tribes and the name Canada was taken from the same people. Various sports, inventions, cities and locations all taken from Native words, yet the credit until recently has never been given to those who it should be.

I do not think what Buffy did was ok in fact what she did was something worse then pretending to be something she never was but she also worked her way into a tribe, a wolf in sheepskin. Studying learning and using that tribe for her own personal gain. Our tribe has had various people who have done this, marrying our members attending our ceremonies and then sharing what they have learned for profit. PROFIT. our ancestors once said when signing treaties we can not trade the lands for money because if you throw the dirt on a fire it won't burn but if you throw your money on the fire it will. The land will outlast your paper money. We didn't think the way a white person thinks we still don't in some ways. the things done by Buffy, were for fame and profit, it was never for the people surrounding her with love. 

If we are to attack her for what she did then we should be battling against other ways the white man is attacking us namely the Metis. This made up construct of people who can not provide their linage do not belong to any tribe, but yet somehow are equal to our tribal people is a new attack on us, and one where we feel we should not speak up. Take a step back and realize that they too have taken what is not theirs and claimed it for their own. If our collective outrage should be directed anywhere it should be there before it is too late.

and that is where I will leave the Buffy section.... "As I go back to Canada"

As a Blackfoot woman I have a sense of pride as I see pictures of Lily Gladstone on TV's posters, and in the news. Man she got to meet Leo...... and Dinero I mean.... come on how cool. Then you read the reviews..... mostly great mostly praise

Except for a few who have decided why if these people were so well off why would they subject themselves to being married to the white man? Why would they let a white man dictate their finances? 

Of course the source material was written by a white man, like I stated before they write their own version of history. But this did happen I watched the movie and there were explanations not included in the either the book or the screenplay.

There have always been these checks and balances as they were called in every deal made with my people. We after all were, savages and in their eyes incapable of handling our own finances let alone caring for ourselves. Women of that tribe married non natives because even though their elders didn't approve they wanted to have control and marrying one gave them more control because then the white man became their care giver.  These choices affect our race even today.

Because we have been told our ways are evil, the English language beat into us and their churches forced onto us we still have this way of looking at the world. We have this misguided outlook that we simultaneously have zero trust and look for their approval. 

We knew we couldn't trust the white man but to this day we must ask for approval for every thing we do on our reservations. We are not allowed to control our finances totally, we have to request for everything we need to do, and our core funding although it comes from our own money we can not use as we wish. Federal governments control our monies, our membership, and our day to day activities. 

We all know our treaty numbers, these numbers are rattled off for most tribal business, no one has taken the time to realize what these numbers are, these are tracking tools. Another tool set up to watch us. the only difference between us and those in Germany is our number is not tattooed on our forearm. 

I think although this book and movie is out there and only tells a part of Molly and her family it is a beginning and now our people can start to tell our tribal stories because we all have them. Each tribe has stories of horror and killing. Now is the time for our people to step out of the shadows not ask for permission but to take the reigns and get the real history out there.

Each of these things is proof that our stories our lives are still being profited off by non natives. Now is the time for us to take our history back. Buffy got away with her lie for her entire adult life made millions of dollars, and the tribe she claims never benefitted from one dollar. At least when the Movie was made of the book Killers of the Flower Moon, The Osage people were consulted their language spoken and their people were used when they were able to. It may be small steps but they are steps in the right direction.

Now it up to my generation to work towards getting the stories out there, in which ever way we choose to do so and to ensure that our children and their children are made aware of where we were and where our people are going.

As for the pretendindians all of them, I see you and no matter the backlash we must defend what is ours. My first step is to say publicly that there is no Metis nation. they are not a nation, they are not a race, if you are first nations, trace your linage back to a tribe, give proof. There are only 3 types of animal that are required to provide proof of who they are......

Dogs

Horses

and Indians.

If you have Indian blood you can prove it on paper we all have to, so should you. These are your rules all we ask is you follow them.

Dear Me

 The payoff of 10 days of writing of self reflecting is that in the end you get to forgive yourself. Bonus points for having to write a letter to yourself in the past to forgive. One big thing I have learned is that forgiveness is never for the person or people who you feel have wronged you or hurt you, it is for you, when we carry hurt when we carry trauma in us it's like a rock we carry while trying to swim.

The more you hold on to the bigger the rock. Bigger the rock harder to swim. 

As a native person we all carry generational trauma, things totally out of our control things that happened to our parents and their parents. These things these past things are a result of so much done to our people and it is up to us, to start to break these cycles.

Up to me to break my family cycles.

As a parent I understand how native parents think how my mom thought, as my in laws thought. Our children were taken stolen abused, physically and mentally. Their identity was stripped and they tried to rebuild us into them. The only problem is our DNA is part of the land, our souls our spirits could never be broken completely. So they walked through the world wounded. These wounds were deep they are hard to overcome, because although we have had the tools to survive these tools also made us hard. We walk through this world a lot of us believing in the church now not because we truly believe, but because that believe was beat into us, like prisoners of war we complied to survive. I do not want to take the solace religion gives to anyone one but the trauma bond our people have with the church is not one built out of love of the word but of fear of what will happen if we don't attend. Our language, mannerisms, and the way we raise our families are all a result of what happened at those buildings by people whom we were forced to trust.

Because of this underlying issue because of this we hold our families closer, we try to prevent hurt, yet we are not affectionate, or really understanding. We have an entire generation of children who are now parents raised by those who attended the very schools designed to assimilate or eliminate which ever came first. Tis a very strange world we live in we are the children who were taught not to embrace who we were, this was out of fear. I shouldn't say we as my mom didn't grow up here in Canada so she was more vocal more willing to talk about who we are. My father how ever did. He suffered the most horrible of stories of course that is his story to tell not mine. Because of this he was always more distant more isolated. 

So I as most parents said to myself I will never be them, however there are things that have seeped into my life. I hold to hard to long. I try to control every situation, but I also try to fix every situation. My fight or flight is not even for me it's for my children, and my family. Protection.

Part of the reason I fell so hard is I didn't have control over what was being said, what was happening. Truth or facts didn't matter my brain couldn't compute it.

I need to accept that I am not a savior I am not perfect and most of all people are going to talk to attack and not like me. I have to just be confident in who I am, accept who I am faults and all and let go of what is out of my control.

So easy right......

That is the problem I keep going back to and don't know if I will ever truly be the person I should be, but I am working on it.

Acceptance is part of healing it's like in the serenity prayer that addicts quote.

"accept the things I can not change and know the difference."

So where does this leave me. Well truthfully this dive into self reflection has brought me to trying to solve bigger issues with my people I think that is a Coping mechanism for me why focus on the small stuff when there are these bigger problems don't be so selfish help your people. My mothers voice. I think that is how she coped. She couldn't fix her husband so lets just fix all our people get them rights teach them about everything and dedicate your life to them. Start a College, get people educated then they will fight for themselves.

Something my mom said in her later years while she was doing a study for a tourism center for our people was right now your story your history is being told by people who never lived it they are making money off of who they think we are. Do you want some middle aged white man telling the world who the Blackfoot people are or do you want to own your own history. 

I guess that imprinted on me pretty heavily as I still am looking to help our people rise back up, sadly the ones holding us back are ourselves. In that sense the experiment of Kill the Indian save the child worked. we do not think we have the power or knowledge to guide ourselves in to the next century.

But we do.

My healing has started but my need to help my people see themselves out of the darkness is always on my mind. So I am going to work to better this world for my grand daughter, for her generation. Through all the horrors our people have gone through we have to keep on swimming. So I am letting the rocks that are holding me down go. I can't change every person but I can make me a better version and that is what I am doing.

The anger and hurt that have been handed to me in so many ways by so many people some because they just didn't know better and those who needed me to hurt to make themselves feel better. I also am forgiving myself for not being the best mom. wife. sister, daughter, friend, and family member. I am forgiving myself for being a product of who I was raised to be but also for who I became.

We are warriors. Stoic, fighters.

All of these things designed to make us resilient, to make us survive have also hindered us. We don't believe in showing weakness, we do not talk about the things that make us uncomfortable. The street people, the people struggling with addiction, they are there because of this. When you push the shit down and just keep going you will need something to help you cope. More proof that a simple switch can't be turned on and off. 

Now I can be an advocate for help, counselling, therapy, medication when needed. all of these things along with finding your sense of purpose those are the tools that are going to help us.

I will end with this my biggest hero was my grandma, She worked her entire life with those same street people getting people sober, helping them, there were days where we would drive around with her giving food or jackets to the bums. She would say if they are hungry give them food if they are cold give them a jacket, but money that gives them booze. I have taught my kids this simple life lesson. I so wanted to be her as a child. I would sit in her office and watch her work. She did carry a secret well it wasn't that secret she could help every struggling person in town except the one she went home to every night. Now as a wife I can see the pain she must have felt the hopelessness, but still she rose everyday went to work and did her part. She is still my hero and I aim to be her everyday.

Forgive, let it go and move on 

With this the 10 days are done.  I will continue to write but hopefully my outlook and my thoughts will be on the happier side. either way thank you without you also I would not be here today. 

What's Love Got To Do With It??

 Well I made it TWO freaking weeks of writing my thoughts ramblings and all that Jazz. I managed not to name names point fingers or displace blame onto others.

Am I cured? of what I am not sure but no I am most defiantly not cured of all that broke me, I still have the thoughts no matter how hard I try, you replay parts of your life or your entire life. Doing so has however made me remember who I am. 

Who I am without saying I am his wife, their mom, your friend, the person who deserved to be destroyed.

No I was not born of money, but I was taught to work hard, out work everyone. There are 3 keys to success in life knowledge, hard work, and personality. I have all those things with or without anyone beside me so it's time to start thinking like I know who I am.

I have been doing so much self reflection, looking inside myself. Finding out what makes Liz tick, well it seems there is so much more to me then the outside. Yes my insides are still a mess, but that is what makes me human.

I had a very strong memory of my childhood, my big little brother and I growing up were for lack of a better term shit kids. we tormented each other the neighborhood and all of our older cousins. I always had to bounce shit off of him from being a little monster right up to today. Somehow nothing is undoable if I first talk to him about it. He has always been able to see inside, and just know. I try to be that same thing for him but I know deep down he has always been stronger and I just always fall in line with him. 

Well the day of my incident, he called me a few hours before, it was a normal enough call but he was fishing asking me questions and kept going back to how are you. I would answer like I always do fine it is what it is what did you need from me. I never imagined that so much would be dumped on my head in just a few hours after that I didn't have the strength to overcome it. I would never imagine I would ever be that low. 

strangely talking to him this week we had both had the same thought we both thought of my mom and how she felt what she went through and he said I never want to see you like that. She forgot who she was and let the negative win over and over don't you do that Liz. and I promised him but more importantly promised myself never again.

NEVER AGAIN!!

So where does that leave me now. Firstly I started writing again and that is a win. Like I said at the beginning of this journey I have always fancied myself a writer so I think I am going to keep this Blog up, and I am going to give stories from my life hopefully they will a bit more on the chipper side HOWEVER life is life so you never know. Secondly I am going to continue therapy. It is helping. 

But most importantly I am never going to hang my identity on anyone but myself. I am a mother wife sister friend and community member but above all of those things I am me, every hurdle I have overcome, every time I have stumbled I and I alone has picked me up and kept going. This time is no different there is just farther to climb back up.

I can do it and right now I feel better then I did yesterday, and I can actually go about my day without tears. That in itself is such as good thing. I was never one for tears or outward emotion. Don't get me wrong I am passionate about things, speak loudly, stand my ground if I believe in something I can defend that. but I am not emotional, I never have let emotions get in the way of logic before this so having to figure out how to balance my emotions and the logic of what is right and wrong, that is what I am figuring our right now. 

I also have given up on trying to control every situation, my children, and my husband all have lives that they need to live, my involvement will be what they need not what I want. 

I also am not always the only answer. that is the hardest one to swallow. I have always studied every situation to ensure that I know I KNOW. nut now I need to let people figure out things on their own.

That statement is the scariest thing I have thought or said. But I can not carry the load of everyone anymore. Mentally or physically I can't do it so hello this is the new and maybe improved me. 

If you know me personally and I seem aloof or distant just know I am not I am just finding my footing and it will all be ok eventually.

I may have damaged my heart but it is still there and the love I have for my true friends and family will never waiver, never change. 

Until tomorrow I everyone. 

Cutting out the Old

 Does anyone remember the bumper stickers of old with the bubble letters, cute little pictures? 

JUST KEEP TRUCKIN'

Yeah it's one of those nights I think. Because we have all lived by this statement at one time or another. At least I have. No matter what the issue you just keep truckin..... You got this.

You've got this.

I went and got my hair cut today. Bless my daughter she is trying to help me find myself again. The old Liz before would get her hair done, get pedicures, and care. I knew who I was why I was and no matter what happened I was sure of that.

Power through you got this 

I never thought doing this simple thing would help me like it did though and that is the truth. Changing things up and looking at the before and the after sure helps a lot. It really does.  I feel like I can face the world handle the questions and most importantly I can breathe and live. I know your outsides don't usually match your insides. Most times in fact your insides are torn the fuck up and your outside is like the shield to protect yourself.

The real question should be why do we have to hide how we really feel about somethings, why do we have to put a brave face on.

My big little brother put it pretty plainly to me yesterday however....... We all have people that hate us we all have people talking shit. What have we done this entire life Liz? so when are we done being sad? when is the pity party over and when do we get pissed off and take care of this shit?

I guess right now. I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be the one who takes a stand anymore but yet here I am doing it. Even though I don't want to be that person anymore because my initial instinct is to climb in a hole and ignore the world I am standing up and yelling at the top of my lungs......

Bring it.

Everything in my life in the last 33 years, is mine I have worked so hard to be me. I am pretty damn smart, I can handle any situation I have had thrown in my way up to this point. My problem continues to be that I can solve problems. I can be strong and I don't waiver. I needed and will continue to need to know my limits. 

As crazy as it sounds I have to learn how to balance everything because I can't totally change who I have been. I have to be ok with not fixing everything even when I try. I also have to admit its fine to cry but like I learned years ago cry until its done then it's over no more wallowing.

If someone thinks they lived my life good luck if you want my life you couldn't handle it. I have lived through more then I will ever admit and I am still standing.

Did you know that the vitamins I take saved my life. they did. Counter acted the sleeping pills and because of this they never took full affect. I was not aware this would happen but it did. Devine intervention maybe or maybe I just wasn't done in this world and I just needed this reset. 

Whatever the reason I am here facing my demons and still standing like always so I just Keep On Truckin. 

The Old Me and New Me are the same ME

My entire life I have never been the weak one, suck it up......

At five I broke my arm playing with all my cousins who happen to be boys. I was told quiet directly that if I cried I would NEVER be able to play with them again. I promptly got up and walked in my grandparents house laid on the couch and never whimpered once.  I don't know how many hours later my grandfather came home asked why I was just laying inside I said oh I'm just tired. I don't remember the pain at all I do however remember I got to ride in an ambulance and got McDonalds. That was amazing.

Life gets hard you don't cry about it you just figure a way through it. I have had to leave in the middle of the night because of some bullshit my father was on about one thing or another. Thankfully I had my cousin who is like my sister and best friend all rolled into one. She saved me so many times. But no tears. nope you just get through it. 

I have so many examples. Appendix needed to be removed I drove myself to hospital, and then checked myself out the next day. Shattered my arm went to a rodeo with the family the next weekend because I couldn't disappoint my child. Part of my colon removed home the same day. same with every surgery I have ever had. I don't have time to be sick or hurt or weak.

Part of the problem part of why I broke so bad is because I have always been so strong. I push past the pain put it away and deal. If it's losing someone, if its an emergency of some kind..... no one has time for mom to fall apart I have to hold it together.

I had a conversation with my cousin who could be my twin we have grown up together and are still so close, he knows me as well as I know myself. He told me I couldn't hide shit from him he knew something was wrong even before I did. I just couldn't verbalize it still having trouble doing it. But he knew.  He talked some sense into me today. 

He reminded me that we are stronger then we realize that we have lived through more then most people have ever, and it's ok to be sad but pull your self up and keep on moving. I broke because I became stagnant I forgot to keep moving forward, got comfortable. 

People are always going to hate on you speak ill of your name it's up to you do fight it off ignore it or just say fuck it. Somewhere in the last week I forgot all that.

I told him I was tired of fighting tired of being sick. I said it's unfair there are people who are addicts who live healthy lives for decades I feel like my body betrayed me. It isn't fair. But that is life and I can either cry about it or get the fuck over it.

I have been living in this holding pattern for the last little while afraid to bite the bullet afraid to do much of anything fighting illness will do that to you I suppose. But I can't keep doing this to myself. 

What was said to me how it was said that was designed to hurt to cut me and it did. But I am not broken. I am me I have fought and won every battle put in my path. 

As the big little brother said when are we done being sad and when do we start kicking ass. I guess right now I was trying to not be angry I was trying to be kind but that isn't my defense I fight back I fight my way out and now it's time to start fighting. 

Fighting for me. I do not need to replay what happened it already happened and I am still here. so starting today I start living for me. My family is welcome to come along but at this point this is about me and I will be ok. 

I went out did a photoshoot today and although the fear of outside sat in my stomach I powered through and I realized those that know me and love me will always be there and I can't stop living just because someone else wants my life. Not many people are built to handle what I have lived through what I have and not many can battle for their life in so many ways like I have so sorry but you can never be me and I am stronger because of your weakness.

You played your hand. I folded but I am still in the game, This time I am ALL IN so bring it.

Two steps forward one step back

 You ever have a dream so real you woke up and had to think about it. I can't be the only one who has these dreams. Come on guys lets be honest here it is a safe place. 

Anyway for the past few nights I have had some realistic dreams, not the oh I won a million dollars and all my problems are gone kind of dreams but those that are probability my inner fears are leaking into my subconscious. In my life I have been told  those fears are never to be spoken of you just deal with them. 

So why then am I having these fears that is what I really need to unpack, but where to start?  And is it really worth the trouble......

I have never been really afraid of anything, love horror movies don't really fret the small stuff I was diagnosed with Cancer 2 times so far and not a wince, so what now has me looking inward wanting to crawl inside a hole instead of facing the world.

No Liz you are being a bit dramatic, you can handle this I mean you have been through the rounds on so many levels. But your unsteady footing and being unsure of who you can and can't trust that is real. 

First things first it wasn't just one thing. I think I have to go back a bit further then just this incident I have had several life changing events in the last decade. Through no fault of my own for the most part. But I have had to make life adjustments, start over and find my way on more then one time. That is not taking into account the things I have carried for other people I have chosen to do that one as well so no real blame other then myself. But my family has had some real doozies. We will just leave it at that. 

How ever the this cookie crumbled it did.... and now to find a way to piece it back together. I don't think it will be easy. I have had trust broken from people I have been friendly to actual friends, family has turned out to be not so family like. My body had betrayed me in so many ways. I have had to try to start over from the bottom and that is not easy. This on top of losing those who mean so much to me, seeing those who don't deserve praise get ahead. I have had my character attacked. My family life attacked. people have snickered, pointed and talked about us. We have been the target of smear campaigns and hate. I say we have faced all of this but I have tried to smooth it out each time for everyone. 

So when this person who obviously saw weakness at the moment took advantage it was just too much to handle it was just one straw too much and I broke. It truly wasn't my finest moment. I haven't never wanted to die. I have fought so hard to stay alive through every uphill battle. I am not a weak person never have been yet here I am frail unsure and starting over from the very bottom AGAIN.

The bonus question asked in every appointment I have is how do we prevent this from happening again? I do not have a clear answer at least one that would be acceptable to any medical professional at least. I am not that person. I will never let myself get to that place ever again. But how Liz. First things first I will be more honest with how I am feeling when I feel overwhelmed I just internalize it. Like I was taught just suck it up. Well I now know I can't do that because it becomes too much. I also have to be ok with just being enough for me, and having a little left over for the cubs. but then there lies a problem how much is enough. 

Those kinds of questions don't really have an answer I suppose, play it by ear go on instinct be vigilant all that jazz I suppose. But first I have to familiarize myself with my new me. The one who doesn't have all the answers the one who has deep seeded fear and the one who worries. I don't like this new me. She doesn't trust anyone, let alone herself. So I guess I will have to work on that.

I am oh so grateful for those who have stood beside me know me and are being in my corner just know I see you and I am working on finding my way back to some resemblance of who I was it is just taking a bit of time. These next few days should be helpful with that. 

Don't give up hope on me I am in there I am here somewhere. Until tomorrow I guess 

finding myself through reflection

 I spent most of the day clearing out the junk of my life.... both metaphorically and in my house. Clutter, it makes you say how in the hell did I end up with all of this.....JUNK.

In my home it is easy enough my husband is half mouse half packrat. He collects things, one time he decided he needed pallets, no not one or 10 pallets it was truck loads on truck loads of them. We still have these pallets at the ranch and I still don't know why he needed them. That is just who he is. Just have to accept all the parts of him and I do. In return I collect craft things not just simple paper and scissors but like all the things bits and bobbles everything. You just never know.

I also just love clothes shoes and pretty things I am not sure if it is because I like clothes am addicted to shopping or if it's from my childhood not having enough. Whatever the reason I have more then one person should ever had. staring at my room I just get the feeling of overwhelming dread. Totally self inflected no one to blame but me. I also know I need to thin things out.

That goes for my mind as well if I sit too long I start to look to hard on the situation trying to make sense of it. Why does someone have to blow up another's life what joy do you get from that? What purpose did it have? I can't do that I can't reflect on what others are thinking or doing. Shit I can't for my own well being. 

I can however do a mental clean up of who in my life needs to stay and who it no longer matters if they are here or not.  I do not mean that in any way to be mean or hateful, but one thing this situation has brought to my eyes and I can not ignore is the fact that there are people out there that will reach out check on you worry for your well being because they care and there are those who question the situation because they are nosy. I am a firm believer in if you have my number you matter enough to me to talk to in real life. that goes for me as well if I want to know something I don't read all the posts about it, I don't ask those who are close to that person, I ask the person. If I don't know the person in real life then I really don't focus on the situation what ever it is.  We all have shit, we all have issues and not everyone is meant to be a part of our journey. Social media has given us this untethered look at everyone and we think because someone has clicked yes when you it sends you a friend request that somehow they are intitled to every aspect of our lives. Most notably the hard parts. The parts we struggle with. No You do NOT have full access to me or my issues. I will share what I feel I need to share.

I have chosen to share my lowest point yes, I needed to work through this publicly at least the parts I want to share. That however does not give you license to ask about my well being to any member of my family. Just ask me gee it might even help to hear from you. I try to always be honest with everyone about whatever it is, however I do not want to be the reason you whisper or gossip. There is no need. Truly. 

When we were younger and my husband drank and did the idiot things men did I hated when people would feel like they were protecting me if they didn't tell me things I would find out anyway. A real friend will tell you the hard things and hold your hand while you cry they won't judge you for your choices and they will always understand. They may not like it but they will stand beside you. That is a real friend. Like I said my husband and I had a rocky start. I don't make excuses for him I am perfectly aware of what happened and what didn't. This person however invented an entire life, contradicting themselves I didn't know you but then saying but you were mean to me. which was it. You and your friends hated me but, I don't know you I didn't know you. I moved away but he followed me. When when did this happen. I am still so confused. I know I promised I wouldn't speak on that epic fantasy this person had but I still go back and forth in my mind about how and why. 

Anyone who knows me and my family knows we do absolutely everything together. So when I started to take apart what was said the more I realize it just couldn't be unless there was a twin or something. So I have to start to think about why why would this person I have no idea even existed before last week, would want to rip my world apart and what purpose it had. 

I still don't have an answer for why.... obsession maybe they mentioned my family on TV so what you wanted the fame but we weren't famous for 30 years only one. and we aren't famous now. so still confused. My daughter was mentioned. as was my mother in law. still not clear how you thought they would just ignore me and what? ?? so confused. I know I can't keep going around and around with this. obviously this person is not ok. But that is not for me to prove. I have to get better. and I am working on that.

This situation is not the only reason this happened I broke because I wanted and needed to be everything. I had to have total control always. I have always been this way trying to control every situation and I have to retrain my brain to letting go of what I can not control and being ok if I don't know the outcome of a situation. 

That I think will the harder thing to do. I right now while I write this am trying to control this how this will be viewed. But I can't you all will believe what you want or need to believe. You all will think whatever you think and I can't control that. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with. 

So you all that read this and any future things I write will interpret it how you see fit, and yes you will judge me how you see fit. I have to be ok with that, after all I have chosen this for myself. This is the ultimate experiment of how well adjusted I am. Maybe this is me daring that person to step forward and prove their story I know that won't ever happen. 

That isn't the true goal I do know two things for sure, I am still here still standing, and I am somehow stronger not weaker, and I know that I am not a super human, I was brought to point of breaking shit I broke in a pretty stupid way, but it has helped me to see what my weaknesses are and how I can fortify them. 

I am still pretty gun shy when it comes to going out in public but each day it is getting easier.. Things are becoming clearer. 

If you have questions ask me if not just enjoy the ride I guess. another day out and still not many answers for the questions I have. I may never get them.  Part of this journey is accepting that and knowing I really don't need them, I guess.

Make it all make sense......

 I woke up this morning and I was so confused. I was confused about a few things but the one thing that confused me more then anything is how some people pretend to care. Yes I mean what I said they pretend to care, either for their own gratification or their need to be needed or shit just to find out first hand the gossip and be on the inside.

These are good doers the ones that always have advice for anyone going through anything. They know it all but they are pretending, because they never address their own issues no they instead interject themselves into others lives for a short amount of time and then move on.

We all know them professional grievers, first at a tragedy you know them I know them and they have always rubbed me the wrong way.

Now don't get me wrong I have asked for some time to heal I am not taking phone calls I am not really answering texts because I just don't trust myself just yet. But there are people who have reached out offered words of encouragement or just a little bit of a story of what I mean to them or whatever. I truly appreciate each and every one of those people I love those that are in my life. BUT there are also those who were first to be here, first to see the shit happen and then haven't tried to talk to me or anyone in my family. These are the people I know are the ones who are telling a story that isn't the truth, they couldn't possibility have all the facts yet I know they are speaking on my name.....

on my trauma. that idiotic word my trauma we all have trauma I just couldn't carry anymore, I know that is not the story being told in certain circles but whatever.

I have always lived by the creed don't judge others because we all have shit we have to weed through some of us are just better at it. I was usually one of those people. 

I had a discussion with my husband, I told him he didn't do this to me, not alone, I did it to myself, I chose to carry too much try to be too much and this is the result of that.

My therapist asked me so what do you think you could have done differently? Now that is the million dollar question. How do we retrain our brain to care less, about what people who don't know you think? What about the people who do know you how do we control what they think .... the answer is you can't.

I have had to realize in the last week that the perception of you and the real you they have to be the same. It wasn't that I wasn't real but it is that I just picked and choose what I share. protect yourself. This opened me up to being attacked with things that couldn't be proven but also gave me enough doubt in me that it didn't matter.

Never give someone else that power. easier said then done for sure, but I am working toward that. so the new me the me that has a million flaws who doesn't have the answers and the one who is scared that is the new me. 

Am I ok with that well I guess we will see. I am no longer going to be the fix it all. I can't be. Now the relearning starts and it starts with having people around me that want to be around me not because I need friends or family but because they want to be a part of my life just like I want to be part of theirs. 

that saying power in numbers that is a myth I choose to believe its better to have 4 quarters then 10 dimes or 20 nickels yes they both add up to the same but the quality is what really matters don't spread yourself too thin. 

Is there a higher power

 My entire life I have been curious about everything. One thing that has always baffled me is religion all religion. I am too practical, and I am just not ok with something forced on anyone. If you look at the history of religion through out time you see that who ever is in power uses their view on what heaven and hell are and that includes a lot of fear. 

Don't get me wrong you can believe whatever you want. It is not my mission in life to tell you what is real and what isn't. I do however read everything I can about all types of churches, I am more interested in why a group of people would believe something. I also find it interesting how they know for a fact that their way is the only way, I mean people have been being born and dying for centuries right? where are they all going? That's just how my brain works I can't help it.

Now we are Catholics, my children are baptized we attend church, but my relationship with the church is not as strong as it should be and I will never make my children choose that god. Each person and their relationship with whatever they believe should be their own. 

Someone asked me a while ago to explain the difference between our culture as Blackfoot people and religion, and there is a difference. Our culture is not a religion it is our way of life. Yes we pray and give thanks but it is a way of life, religion is structured and there is a good and bad a heaven and hell. Punishments for breaking commandments.

Ok Liz why are you touching this hot button item..... you promised your therapist you wouldn't be political..... Stay with me here this is important.

First of all what I did was a mortal sin, according to my religion, I know this it has been told to me murder is bad killing of ones self is the ultimate form of such. With that in the back of my mind always thou shall not...... 

You would think maybe I would have had pause, but I didn't I didn't even think twice I honestly believed I would see my mother, grandparents, my sister...... but how if there is a heaven and hell. Didn't even factor in. 

In the ambulance I remember two things I remember the paramedic in the back with me knew my daughter and I know I saw my mother. Sounds silly I know physically she wasn't there, maybe it was all in my mind, maybe she was meeting me at the gates of the sandhills to tell me no, who knows. But I did see her and she wasn't happy to see me.

Now no Catholic  would ever say oh you were visited by a loved one. That crap doesn't happen but it did so where does that leave me. More questions then answers. always seems to be the more I look deep the more questions I have.

I can shrug that away I guess. 

So the damage I did to myself had to do with both my kidneys and my heart. needless to say I started to have heart failure late Monday night, listening to the doctors and nurses say there wasn't anything else they could do for me was a bit alarming to say the least, you woke me up to tell me that I wasn't going to make it, I wanted to just go to sleep somehow you guys are making this a big deal now.......

I know the power my mother in law has in her prayers, there is a saying a lot of us are still here because of grandma's prayers. Believe it people. 

I don't think I was scared but I was worried because my kids were there, my husband was there, so I made a silent vow, a promise to our creator. That is between him and I and I will fulfill it, but I know that is why I am still here. 

I know I was in bad shape I am still pretty weak for sure, but I am on the other side now. Was it God or was it our creator are they the same thing?

Religion is really a comfort for the unknown it's a way for us to believe that we will go on somehow somewhere. 

I see people who attend church and pray but can be the most unkind to others the other six days a week and then I see those who are humble and kind and don't set foot in a church so what do I believe. I guess like I said it is a personal belief in what gives me comfort.

What gives me comfort right now is knowing that I have a creator, he has given me a second chance and that you do not leave this world until whatever job you have to do is completed. 

I also know now that there are people in this world who are not kind, they are spiteful mean and will tear you down to try to make themselves feel better. That is not anything new to me, I had just not dealt with that in over 20 years. I guess the lesson I have learned is that I need to always be aware of my surroundings and stop being so trusting in the world. 

I am not sure if any of this even matters to anyone but me but I know I needed to go through this in my head. some one said thank the lord your still here.......

Um ok you can thank him and I will thank the creator both of them must have had a hand in it. And I will not waste the second chance I have been given. No more waiting for the cancer to eat me up  I have some living to do.

Now how to break it to my husband that I want a tattoo Ha ha welcome to the new Liz get on board or get out of the way.

reclaiming my time

 I have never felt like I needed to hide who I am, I was always self assure and aware of everything. This is something new for me. 

Makeup has always been fun for me, until yesterday, it became my shield to venture out. I couldn't walk out the door, without my heart starting to race sweat beads down my back. No this isn't who I am No I have always been sure of what I am doing where I am going and who the hell I am. Until now this is all new to me for the first time in my life. 

It would be easy to blame any number of things for this any moment in the last year and a half could have caused me to break in the way I broke but all of those things I walked into with open eyes. So ultimately this all falls on my shoulders. And that is the problem. It all falls on my shoulders I have chosen to be the person I am, I don't ask for help I am never wrong. This is one of the things I have to learn how not to be.

Our elders have this thing they say I can't spell it but roughly translated it is Don't worry about it. Basically they are saying it will work out it's not that big of a deal. I have never learned that amount of chill. Maybe someday I will figure that out but for now I fret, I fret about things I can control and more then not I worry about the things I have zero control or say over. 

I focus on what can be. Running scenarios through my mind playing all possible and impossible outcomes. But everyone does that don't they have full blown conversations in their head before you even see the person or get to where ever your going? 

It's like the boy scouts, always be prepared. and I am usually right on top of everything. Except for the last year and a half I haven't been. I have been flying blindly into situations. 

The amount of care I should be putting into everything is terribly lacking in every department. 

I have always had great time management, work ethic and ability. until now. my lack of care was bleeding into everything I been doing. Truthfully that doesn't bother me even now. 

I would wear the same sleep shirt and sweats for days on end. comb your hair who cares. I just couldn't muster up enough care to do anything. Messy house messy life. and believe me it's pretty freaking messy right now. 

So me taking the time to actually put makeup on is a good thing. 

Something everyone keeps telling me is that I have to be kind to myself but I wasn't raised to be kind to yourself what the hell is wrong with you if your not bleeding to death suck it up. 

I think through all of this that is what I am struggling the most with is that, WEAKNESS or the appearance of weakness. Get your shit together I can hear my grandpa I can hear myself muffled but I can hear it.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Ok but how..... right now I am struggling with where to start, baby steps..... but who has time for that. But I also know I have to get myself back to where I use to be. and I don't have time for baby steps. 

My favorite thing to tell myself is if they don't feed you house you or pay your bills they don't matter. but right now all I can think is how can  I stop people from staring judging me. At the same time I really shouldn't give two shits. guess you can all see where my mind is at. 

I am caught between I really don't care what you think and oh god don't talk about me. I know I have chosen to put this out there I have chosen to allow you all to see my struggles so I really can't cry about you looking at me when I invited you in. That is the tradeoff. 

So we went to town yesterday and I have never had anxiety ever I never stressed about being anywhere alone or with who ever until yesterday. 

My husband walked down an isle I went down the next I saw someone I knew and I started to panic. No I wasn't afraid it was something else something deeper. I needed a shield a barrier between me and the world. I am still so hurt that he is going to have to be that for me. He also doesn't know how to handle this new me I have never been clingy never unsteady he is having to see me smaller in stature  I want to fade in to the background. 

hopefully that starts to fade, as I find myself again or become who I am suppose to be. 

I know I don't owe anything to anyone I owe this to myself to find my footing. I have given up I was preparing myself to say goodbye long before this. Not that I wanted to take my own life but that the universe or the cancer gods or who ever was going to get sick of me and finally say game over.

I did have moments of hope this summer at our annual big camp with Motokii's  I felt their prayers it was a special feeling I can't make anyone understand but I felt better. Until I realized that person was watching me they came to our camp and what stared at me. Judged me who knows but now that special feeling I had has been replaced by insecurity. They did that and I want to reclaim my power my life. 

But I have always said I have lived my life ensured I raised good kids, did what was right even when I didn't agree with it. I am a good person or at least have a good heart. My one fatal flaw is that I am too loyal I will totally cut someone off from me if you wrong someone I love. so now how do I cut myself off from me. I hurt the person most important to me ME.

Each day I am getting better. I was touch and go about going to Las Vegas in a few weeks but I feel like I have to go. I have to prove to myself that I am ok, that I can handle the stares and whispers but more importantly  I can still be me. 

I think tomorrow I am going address the ethical questions I keep asking myself. but for right now I am reclaiming me for me.

acceptance

Today is a hard day to write, I can't lie. What more can I share and still keep some for myself. When does this become entertainment for the masses apposed to what is meant to be healing for me. I was warned about this I would start to second guess what I share it would prevent me from actually getting close to what is really at the heart of my lowest lows. so through gritted teeth I am going to power through todays chapter in my story.......

Today I need to address the real problem ..... I know as a child I would hear this saying I want to pin it on good ol' Pops but it could have just as easily been one of the cousins or even my Grandma.

You are smartest dumbass kid alive. 

Yeah it's me I'm the problem it's me.

I never should have trusted that much in other people. I should have double checked all the things my social media friends, people who lurked too long asked personal questions people..... why was I so trusting.

Those of us who are native women, or just natives in general, we know ..... whispers, gazes if a room goes quiet the moment you walk in.

Jealousy..... longing for something you have and they don't

Don't ACT better then me because.... 

We misdirect and finger point to take the heat off ourselves and put it on who ever is the subject of the gossip that is currently going around. Now don't pretend you don't do it because we are all guilty......

So for the next little while I guess......

It's me I'm the problem ME.

Oh how far they fall, acting like a perfect family, wow those are some skeletons in your closet. She got knocked off her high horse. 

I don't think I was ever on a high horse, I have always been too honest about most things, MOST Things how ever I did keep secrets from the world for personal reasons. For my own sanity but most importantly I just didn't want anyone of you to have the ammo to shoot holes through my life. This didn't start with my marriage and children this has been my entire life.

Now I know some of you are waiting thinking oh she's going to make some huge revelation some TEA as the kids say to store away for a time that I am riding high in the saddle and I need to be knocked back down to earth. No some secrets will be kept from you things I won't speak of publicly but those are also things that I have to unpack alone with a box of kleenex and a therapist in a room alone. This public story is just that and the real healing is going to be for me.

Anyway ....... like or not this is whatever this is for me to regain my life my story not some BS cooked up story with a million holes. 

It has always been hard for me to go out in public, I always felt that people could see the real me through whatever I was wearing, driving, how well spoken you are that shit doesn't matter in my own insecurity I have convinced myself that people can see that I am not perfect. 

I was never not honest with my husband he knows all my baggage, ALL of it (this is were you would insert a hand on face emoji) so although I put armor on in public I have always been honest with him, and my children but I have always skated around it with anyone else. 

He has always known some of my insecurities. One of my biggest fears has always been that my life would mirror my mothers........

again Liz again with her......

YEAH because it wasn't a good part of her life and I can see the parallels, In the last years of her life she was not able to work full time, she became less of her legacy and more of a shell of herself. This woman who fought for her people her entire life was reduced to a shell of that person, living so far from home that she was alone yet she stayed for her children. 

In those last years I although I was right along side her I couldn't save her from this. Watching her reduced to this is one of my biggest fears. 

I couldn't let the life I built be torn down with my fears, yet here we are, I let my fear become a reality, and I didn't see it coming.

However this person gathered the weapons needed to wound me almost fatally they knew, if they kicked one leg out of my foundation I would topple that isn't ok. 

But the more important thing is I can rebuild for the simple fact I have been doing it for so long that it isn't anything new.

Now for the truth bomb, for the last two years our entire family has been swinging wildly trying to figure out how to navigate a world where we didn't make a move without my father in law. My husband and Son were learning a whole new world where he wasn't there and although it was hard on the women of our family the men are struggling more. Again, this isn't their story it's mine and I am only addressing what I had control of. So this is my part of this no one else.

I have been working so hard to make it easier for them, holding down the fort figuring out what was next for this family. As a child we went without a lot. So as long as there is a roof over our head, food in the fridge, and gas in the car we are good. But a full time job, I physically I couldn't do it with my treatments, along with my injury and long term shit. 

So where is this rambling going Liz? what point are you trying to get to.....

For every year Him and I are together there have been those who revel in our falls. And there has been some pretty bad stumbles. But we had each other to lean on and we had that support from his dad. Nothing was ever that bad because like me his dad worked hard to make sure the entire family was ok he would stay up late each night making moves fixing issues and putting out fires. 

 So start of this wasn't because of one thing, I have been trying to keep everyone around me ok I forgot about me. there are 24 useable hours in each day but I still didn't have enough in the tank to use any of that time on myself.

I was burning the candle at both ends, and forgetting to take care of Liz. that is not an excuse I can't make excuses I made the choice to focus on the big things, and lil ol me well she just wasn't big enough to give a second thought to.

So here I was focusing on fixing what I could I couldn't see the evil right on our doorstep, Wait that is a bit of an oversell,  I don't want to generalize this Evil is a big ticket word. But sinister maybe that was a better term. This wasn't evil I had seen evil first hand. 

No this wasn't pure evil it was someone else who had their own sense of desperation, their own ideas of what I had.

HAVE this is my life they can have their own..... do whatever you need to do if it was that easy to destroy me I would have been long gone years ago.

I left the house yesterday and even if when people saw me they whispered or snickered I didn't fall from the outside I am ok. 

I have chosen to do this publicly and I think because of that so much of the whispers don't carry as much weight. I feel parts of the old Liz peaking through. I am so mad at myself for being weak, but I also have to face that I was weak because I tried to be strong for too too long. sadly a lot of these are going to be rambling testing myself on what is ok to share, what isn't because truthfully I brought my self to this point and only I can bring myself through it.

my lesson for today is easy enough accept responsibility some answers don't have answers, and you can fall to your lowest point and still get back up and keep on going. Only you have that power, no one should ever be able to take you down. You have met some horrible beings in this world, gone through so much before your fall that it can be forgiven. 

But first you have to accept that no matter the words used actions taken you can only lose what you put out there. People are going to judge and talk no matter what. 

So I am working on acceptance, and forgiveness I have to forgive myself. I have to know deep down what I have done in my life and it was to build something better then I had. I contemplated maybe deleting all my social media, but I have never ran away from anything,  So still I stand. battered and a little more leery of everyone but I am still here. I might be able to share more of me tomorrow or not but this is my healing journey and I am writing the story and I will choose what I bring to light.

Just keep Swimming

So here we are day 4 after....... so so many burning questions. I mean I have them too so how can I even be ok.

I know the burning question everyone has it's the question I have had from the moment I woke up, in this new world this after..... 

For longer then I have been an adult it has been him and I. That statement is crazy how do I navigate anything in this world without first checking with him? I don't have an answer..... not for that question. I got way to comfortable I guess, I got complacent in my life.

Now I need to make one thing clear to me.... then by proxy to you all as well, there wasn't a moment HE SAID anything. He wasn't done, He didn't leave, somehow he didn't really factor into this. What I did was selfish, one sided, and like I have said so many times, it was just the last straw I didn't have anymore in the tank to fight this battle, prove my side and keep my life. 

Me the person who never backed down in a fight, me the person who always was the know it all. I was just done. But how did I get to this point the point that I couldn't muster another argument, the point where there wasn't a way.

How how how..... I think the better question is why.

My entire life I have been putting out fires, more times then not they were not my fires they were whatever was happening around me. I was 5 years old and trying to parent my parent. That is not an exaggeration in our life I was always more levelheaded then my mother. She knew it and she knew she could always turn to me for help if she needed it. 

Was it a personality type or was it a deep need to be needed? Maybe it is a mixture of both. I will walk through the pits of hell to help someone who means anything to me, late nights of making things perfect, make sure they understand that it's no problem, I can fix that I can do that. One of my favorite things to say is if you want it done right do it yourself.

I am a control freak, I can't just let things play out I have to help it along. I can't stand to see disappointment,  I have worked to ensure that my kids my husband do not ever have to deal with hurt, deal with it not working out. Let me fix it, let me see what I can do. 

Since I was a teenager I have worked on my relationships I have always worked hard to make sure everything is ok..... OK what a term, what does that even mean.... no let's not get sidetracked I am trying to understand and to understand I must be honest about who I am.

I don't want to unpack my relationship with my mom, I think that will take more time, more reflection and a lot of hurt..... the way others viewed her and the way I did never seemed to line up when she was alive. She was this ray of light to so many other people they looked to her, she had the answers, but to me she wasn't that she always seemed to flighty too free spirited. I was always so angry when it came to her. And in the end I didn't look at her lovingly I was angry at her for becoming what she had always warned me never to become. DEPENDANT on others. She knew it and apologized for being weak. I asked her in one of our last conversations I asked her why she had LET herself get here. She told me one day you will understand one day it will become clear. But her story is not this maybe someday I will tackle who she was but first I have to untangle who I am and why I let myself get to this point. 

I haven't looked in a mirror in 5 days avoided it actually afraid of what I would see in my own reflection. would it still be me or changed somehow?  Looked this morning nope from the outside it's still me. What a letdown. This huge event just happened and I do not look any different. figures, the most painful scars a person can have are on the inside. 

Him and I there is no him without I and vise versa. He has always been the one constant for all of my adulthood, did we fight and argue yes, was there some very toxic very horrible things in our past yes, but that goes with anyone. There are not fairytales.

Some might try to romanticized our life together awe you met when you were 14 and your still together. there was a lot in-between all of that. So much just like any other relationship. But forgiveness was one thing I always made sure I had. Let's not sugarcoat this our first years together were rocky. But somehow we always found our way back like a warm blanket. 

As I unpack this last straw and what and why it got to me I am starting to realize it was never about him leaving me because he isn't ever going to leave me I am sure of that he does love me, or need me or I am his comfortable blanket. Whatever it is toxic or not I was not sure of but we are a we. He said something on the long drive home on Tuesday morning.

I can't go on if your not here I had come to terms with that, if you leave me alone I'm not going to be ok.

This statement, and my need to make sure everyone is ok all the time really fucked with my already muddled mind.

But I didn't do this to him I did this to me...... was this a cry for help...... I don't think so. or maybe it was shit I really don't know. What I do know is I am tired. Tired of fighting every fight. 

This statement is going to cause more questions then give answers......

I did not want to die. I just couldn't see a fix anymore. My core being was rocked. I started to question every second every word everything. And all I saw was blackness. Never in my entire life had I ever been that low. I always found a way. ALWAYS until this moment. 

Now five days out I am realizing the fear I had was of being a failure. I failed as a wife as a mother, no that is not true. My fear was that I would be perceived as a failure. The image of failing was scary. But it was an illusion it wasn't real. We have a good life. Not perfect but letting someone else dissect and destroy it for their own personal reasons. I am not going to speak on this or even the call anymore they do not deserve any more time or space in my head.

I am choosing to believe in my life. what I worked so hard to build everything isn't a lie the more I take apart whatever was said the more I understand that isn't even possible. 

So then how did they know so much I guess that is a question they will have to answer why are you watching someone else's life studying it so that you can what? what did they want? and why no I do not need those answers. I just need to know what I am doing with my life.

So this many days out I have realized I am not going anywhere. I have things to rebuild better stronger, but I am given that chance. They are faceless, I could not pick them out of a crowd, truthfully I don't care to. 

there are things I do need to fix, on the top of this list is me. somewhere in the last 33 years I have become someone I do not like I have to find me again. independent of anyone else. So does this mean I am in the selfish phase of my life maybe. Not angry not bitter. I just need to find some sense of joy. Not gratification. I don't need to find joy by giving all of myself to others I need to find joy in me in what I like and what I want. so I guess the next few days I will look at that. 

What do I like.... well I like this I like writing. strange but I do. I like seeing smiles, I like trying new things, but I also like my own little bubble. And while doing this little experiment sharing of myself I have invited you all in and I know I can't trust you all but the time for masks and protection is gone. The world deserves to know the real me not some image that others put out about me. Not the story others have told of me. I am in there wanting out and now to find a way.

I woke up for the first time in years hopeful. Hopeful for what is next. I can't make people stay with me on this journey if it becomes to uncomfortable for them I understand. I have raised my family I am in the next chapter and it is up to each one of those in my life to join in or walk away. My choices not everyone will agree with and I am ok with that. I have to do what is best for me. I do need people in my corner but I am not going to beg for it. I will be ok eventually and that has to be enough for me.

As for him the question you all have. well I can't just throw away an entire life. Like I said relationships are give and take. Because we are a we, we will figure it out. I am not believing in him I am believing in me, and what I built he is just part of it. I am not a weak person, I am not stupid, and I know exactly what I am doing. I have to give it a chance. What I did taking every other person out of it was unfair, to every person I care for. I know that and that is the real struggle I am having. But as for what I am going to do I am going to rebuild from the rubble with those who matter to me. that is all I can do. 

I tell my kids all the time you have to keep moving keep swimming or you will sink. I was treading water and I started to sink. Now it is time to swim. 

From the beginning so it shall be

 Once upon a time........

I have always been a night owl sleep although I do love it has always alluded me, some nights I can't shut my mind off and tonight is no different.

Tonight my thoughts have gone way back all the way to the 8th grade to be exact. That is the time when I first met my husband. Such a long long time ago......

But it was also a time when I had my own point of view, I was already becoming who I am today I just didn't know it then.

I did have a very small group of core friends but I also was friends with people outside that group of girls. I want to be very very clear, I had moments of kindness but I was not the nicest person in the room, I knew 3 things, I knew I was cute, I knew I was original and I knew at all costs I had to pretend.

Sometimes when I think back I think gosh was I a phony person, I molded who I was depending on what group of people I was hanging with at that moment. My core group of buddies I just didn't measure up to them, but I had one thing going for me I was new. But then again at that very time we all were, there was a mass exodus to enroll your children in school on the reservation so we were all finding our way together. Although my mom was one of the administrators of the division I wasn't like all the other kids, but god knows I couldn't let them know.

It's crazy now as an adult looking back what is they say hindsight is 20/20 that is true for sure. There are people who still look at me with a fear in their eyes and I vaguely remember them or how mean I was to them. Then it comes back to me, and then I wince inside I could have been better but I could never risk the truth coming out so I went along with the crowd. That is still the case right now I still try to be kind when I can but the mean person I was as a teenager comes out more often then not.

My mother in all her wisdom she taught me so much but the lesson I learned from childhood was you don't have to be right Lizzie you just have to make your point and stick to it. She would tell me that there are always shades of grey always, right and wrong live right inside of there. I have lived my entire life that way. You don't have to be right you just have to win the arguments. Don't take a stand unless you can defend it. So I always looked for all the possible outs before I spoke. 

They are going to say or do this or that be ready have a rebuttal be ready win the fight. You know there is a grey area and we will end up in that space. That is until this..... this thing I didn't look for the answers before, I didn't see the grey area in it I only saw Black and White. And that my friends was my fatal flaw. 

I still have so many of my friends from my youth and I am still friendly with so many more. I am grateful for my time with each of them they also helped shape me and I know this. Shit I still have the same Red Haired boy hanging around even after all of this, or is it that I am still hanging around him? I guess it's one of those grey areas.

He told me when we were 15 that he was going to marry me and I held him to it, it just took us a while to get there. My mind is murky but I do know that for sure. That did happen, that was black and white. How and why well those areas are grey. 

18 years old is pretty young looking back shit I thought I knew so much, I didn't look for all the possible outs I didn't think twice. I made choices and like always I defended them. I still defend them I made those choices and I regret nothing.

I made a choice and I have lived by that choice to this day, marriage is forever...... no outside kids no quitting on each other through it all, All the bad ..... we will get to that. And all the good..... that is the part you all know and can see on all my social media pages. Did I make the right choice why in the HELL and I questioning this now? My life happened it did. I am here I am breathing. I made it through the fire and am still standing chard and burnt but I am still here. I regret nothing..... well except for one thing. That thing the INCIDENT.

I was never insecure in my identity ever. Embarrassed at times maybe but never insecure. My relationship was filled with so many peaks and valleys so so many, when people tell you a marriage takes work they aren't fucking kidding. I tell my children now, in order to make a relationship work any relationship you have to be willing to give some of you up to become a "WE" meeting in the middle sometimes you give more take less and vice versa. Forgiveness is huge, you have to forgive a hell of a lot in order for it work. So don't do it until you are ready to give of yourself freely because if it's not a team it won't work.

Are we in this together? Am I not seeing what I should? I have never doubted for one second until now. We worked so hard to get here, I WORKED SO FUCKING HARD TO GET HERE. I gave up so much to be Liz Fox. I did, and never regret any choice I made but is Liz Fox still there or is it just another example of my mind and my heart only seeing black and white and not the grey area in the middle.

I don't talk of this often but when I found out I was pregnant I had a conversation with my mother, she was pissed to put it mildly. "God Damn it Lizzie. What about school? you were already accepted."  I sat and thought about it, before I could get the words out she said " You can do it alone, it's possible." She had wrote my husband out of the equation before I even told him. Black and White her grey was I was going to be a single parent. " No mom let me think, let me talk to him." 

"if you go to him you stay with him Liz." She didn't want me to not go to school she wanted more for me then she had I see that now but her way of doing it wasn't all that productive.

So one late night outside his ranch I told him...... then blurted out I can do this alone I am just telling you that's all you don't have to do nothing. I'll be gone after summer is over. 

He looked out the window for a bit then turned and said I told you I was going to marry you so Just stay. 

Just stay...... 

He said the same thing when I sent for him on Monday night when the doctors told me my heart was starting to fail. 

He came in the room sat in silence for a bit, looked at me with fear and said you don't have to leave me Just stay here Just stay.

All of this happened. It wasn't an illusion this is my life no matter what they said. Right? This is my truth my world......

I don't know I still don't know. But thinking back is helping me to find my footing. 

I know that I was never perfect my marriage my life everything had flaws. But I am ok with that, I picked my position in that grey area and I am defending it.

As Maya Angelou said so famously:

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better DO BETTER."

and that is all I can do, I know better now so I shall try to do better.

Trust

 So this is day 3..... so anti climatic wouldn't you say counting down the days after. I promised myself that I would address my thoughts daily and that is almost scarier then any other thing I have ever done in my life. 

So what do I feel the need to get off my chest today? Nothing I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I want to disappear pretend that it was one week ago maybe if I went back in time then maybe a lot of this shit would never have happened. I was ok, no one is perfect but I was ok with my life.

So maybe today I think in grand terms of life and love and all that contains in our little worlds. I have the privilege and curse of being the first daughter, oldest child in an Indian home every Indian woman knows that means you are a second mother babysitter, auntie, caregiver for your parents, everything. Then you decide you want to be a wife...... oh now you take on a whole other person whom sadly you have to continue to raise while you are trying to raise babies. No I do not regret one moment or choice I have made, before this thing I did this stupid fleeting thought I had. 

Native women are the strongest people I know, but we also have so many balls in the air all the time. I was giving a talk one time about how we are expected to be all these thing all the time and a non native person asked me how do I think we as a people deal with the trauma ..... that knocked me back on my heels for a second. We all know we have the trauma yes. But we don't address it we just move forward dealing with it by laughing, cooking throwing ourselves into our families promising silently I am going to be a better parent wife sister excreta. 

What I did was a sign of weakness in most peoples eyes, Shit it's weakness in my eyes. 

My eyes..... who did I see when I look at myself? Somewhere over time I was the mom who did all the cool things with her kids, but also the parent that was the scariest one, Ha ha I chuckle when I think of that because it was always a mask. The worry I have constantly about the dangers in the world, wanting to protect my cubs because I know what I have lived through so that they would never have to. If I wasn't the mom I was the wife, the Rodeo Wife, the one who was the glue dealing with all the things making sure everything was always ok. 

That title Wife..... it's almost a weapon in itself. we can wield it when we needed to it is a powerplay every rodeo wife knows what I mean. But that also is a mask of insecurity of doubt. Hey wait why is she looking at me like that who is that ..... never mind we are a happy home we all have struggles but we are a unit.

I keep thinking back over my 33 years as a wife and mother, in the beginning it was hard. I can't lie about that. But it got easier, we had happy we had unity we had each other the 4 of us. My in-laws became my family we did everything together so I slowly moved away from my own family to just being part of theirs. After my mom died I realized two things, every family member I had was no longer here beside me in this country, and that I was becoming more dependent on my In-laws. There is nothing wrong with that in a perfect world except we don't live in a perfect world now do we.

as I laid in the hospital, I had this feeling it was the same exact feeling I had as I swallowed those pills. 

Yes I have people who love me. Yes there are so many people here that care, but I am alone. My first thought was my mom......

I know I said I wouldn't speak on other peoples trauma but I am sure she wouldn't mind.

My mother she was someone who was so smart, on so many levels. We didn't come from money in fact we worked hard each day to be a better person make your way. She was what some would classify a radical Indian you know the arm in the air AIM warriors that was her. Always learning. Always Lizzie.

She did so much before she had kids, and after, but her last years she was isolated and alone. She would come visit and say when it was her time she would want to go home to her family. She knew even though there were people here who cared for her, her family wasn't here. I made that happen for her, and sadly now I know what she meant. 

Anyway I always think of that saying alone in a crowded room. Yeah I get it. I've gotten pretty good at knowing everyone but still being totally alone. Who can you really trust with your secrets? Who really knows you? 

TRUST....

God knows I can't trust myself I was duped either an entire lifetime or for 15 minutes either way I couldn't trust myself, can I trust me now? Are my eyes clear can I see what is in front of me or is not real. 

They knew too much ..... I felt violated..... I still feel that way. Who's watching me to see me slip to take advantage if I let my guard down. And why? 

3 days "After" and I am still unsure of everything in my life. Is this my life was I just a placeholder. 

I know words are just that words.... but hey those words had so much venom on them so much distain for me for what I had built. They knew too much. How dare they know so much. HOW DARE THEY.

Well I haven't cried in about 2 hours so that is progress right......

I am trying to get to the point where I can trust myself first because I can't trust my surroundings I am starting over. The old Liz would have just sat down and figured out a way to destroy any negative arrows thrown my way, BUT THEY KNEW TOO MUCH. 

Anger is fleeting its fear I feel. That is something new for me I have never feared things in my life I wasn't even scared through all the cancer I just handled it. But this has me shaken. Who am I? 

I spent the day trying to reflect on things. watching 90's Romcoms reciting my favorite lines.

"He's just a man on a horse baby girl"

"Laughter through tears is the best Medicine."

"Once upon a time baby girl your momma knew what it meant to shine."

has anything become any clearer in my muddled mind? No not really, I still have the same doubts same shaky hands. Someone knocked on the door and I went and hid. 

My goal for tomorrow trust yourself a little more. You can do this. Maybe..... No you can you are the first born daughter you have fought many battles and learned so many lessons tomorrow you will see, everything you have faced so far has been fuel to fight this battle..... Come on Liz snap the fuck out of this.

Maybe tomorrow I will be that warrior I was raised to be maybe. Either way I will be back here spilling my guts. and If they are watching you didn't end me you just broke me and I will be back better then ever.

Those five little words

 After my first late night session with what the cool kids call their Therapist .... Wait everyone calls them that so I am already one strike behind. He suggested that because I like to write stories and it is also a very good tool to help you heal from all that broke you that maybe I write a blog post for two weeks straight and see how that goes. there were some caveats for this endeavor:

Number one it has to be about me all about me my life what brought me to my incident (he didn't call it that I did) don't shy away from the parts that you feel need to be seen.

Number two be willing to take criticism about it because if you are doing this publicly then you are opening yourself up to every arm chair author and their mothers as well. Judgement is a hard pill to swallow but he seems to think I have the armor to deal with it so great.

Number three and most important don't get political, this is not for that and most political ideas are polarizing and that isn't what needed. You Liz need to get some of what is inside your mind out so that there is room to let the good in.   

Of course I put my own rule on this entire thing and he said that was fine..... I can not project what happened on anyone it was my choice nothing forced me to do what I did and every sentence every word must reflect that fact. 

Ok good sir I am in!! I have always fancied myself a writer and what is easier to write then your own life. But also I need to heal, in so many ways. There is a lot of baggage I carry that isn't my own and I am not going to share any of that but I also have a lot I need to heal from so you all that have decided to click on the link or found this well you all get to join me on this wild journey of healing. I don't plan on using names ever if you know me personally you will know who my husband kids and family are the rest of you just imagine who we might be. 

Sooooooooo Day two out of the hospital post life changing event, "How are You Doing Liz".  There it is those five words that people ask either in passing or out of a a need to find out the details of a story they heard. Either way this is the hardest question in the world to answer. Do you answer truthfully that you can't find your footing just yet and that you spent the entire day replaying every moment that left you where you are now. Do you talk about the tears that come in waves because your entire soul was crushed. Or do you answer like I always do......

"I'm ok everything is fine."

But that is the exact statement that has covered up so much in my life for so long. Oh you lost your mom how are you 

"I'm ok everything is fine."

with every traumatic event in my life I have answered this question the exact same way. knowing deep down I have to be the strong one. I have always been the go to person I can fix that, I can find a way. 

I have never let a setback be the end of that. door closes go around and find another way in. windows backdoors shit knock the walls down. No is never a final answer. BUT am I still that person? Did the core parts of me break? I always have attacked everything with the same outlook there is the answer you want you just have to look deep enough, try every angle, don't ever give up. 

I am so sorry about your illness "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm ok everything is fine."

So you may be asking the same question that I keep asking myself what then could break a person who no matter what never looked at the world with tears in their eyes. Why if you are such a force of perseverance did you break in the worst possible way. Not looking for the way around not kicking the walls in to escape instead of .........

Oh your entire family was rocked to it's core when you lost your father in law "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm OK I'M FINE!!!"

Am I though? Can I just put blinders on for every event and be strong carry on. There is a saying I have always loved "Be careful of the Blackfoot even their women are warriors." My people we are strong resilient fighters. FULL STOP. I know this to my core, so if this is the case how in fucking hell was I so weak for one moment, how did I let this break me? So many questions running through my mind. I keep dancing around the question you all have right now by deflecting avoiding and pretending there isn't a huge elephant staring at us all.

I can't just simply answer those five words right now. Not in the way you would like me to, in a way that I would like me to. My center has always been one thing I know who I am comfortable in my skin knowing everything that has happened was because I had made that choice. But that center is off balance,  They did that but why did I let them? 

HOW THE FUCK did I let them do this to me. No I don't let people just do to me, I am not a child I am Liz..... yet here we are, they did. So what now. 

I went digging yes. I needed to know yes. That is on me but in all truth I was still confident I held the stronger foothold you don't go in to battle unless you have a stronger advantage. 

Was this a blitz attack? no I brought the fight to them. And I almost lost. They were sneaky. they attached themselves to my family in ways I didn't see coming and they used that as weapons. That angers me, that isn't a fair fight. 

WHO DOES THAT. I am still questioning every word I heard can that be true no it can't because this or that. What if I was that blind. AM I THAT STUPID?

Always be the smartest person in the room. Never say I don't know ......Lizzie if someone asks you a question and you don't have the answer you say I'll find out and then make sure you always have an answer.

Yet I don't know. I am afraid of the answers and this is all new to me. I am so angry at myself. I am so angry at them. Can I find Liz? or some remnants of her anywhere? Or do I start all over and say fuck it all.  I could have done that instead of what I did. 

My grandpa used to say you can shit in one hand and wish in the other see which fills up first. Well I wish I didn't do this but shit I surely did and now I have to find my way out of it. 

Your world was altered in so many ways "How are you doing Liz?"

...............

The jury is still out one that one guys 

I know two things 2 days out of the lowest point of my life and that is saying a lot I have had so many lows that I have battled to be me I wore all those battle scars, with the knowing I am making this choice and I can live with every outcome, but for the first time in my life I do not know I do not have the answers and I am afraid. I have never been fearful, and I have faced some monsters in my life. There was always a way out there was always a answer. Till now. 

I worry not so much for me I worry for my family. What I did to them for selfish reasons. having people check in on me is new. Don't worry guys I won't do it again. That I do know for sure. 

Why then take a full bottle of sleeping pills if you are so fucking strong? If you won't ever do it again.

Because I do know one thing that part of Liz the part that never gives up she didn't die she might have been critically wounded but she is still here and I will continue slowly, shaky and unsure for a bit but I will find my way. Because that is who I am.

So with tears in my eyes I say

"I'm Ok I'll be fine."

We are all damaged some of us just wear it better

In the day and age in the age of Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat, all of trying to learn the new Tic Tok dances and post the perfect Instagram picture somehow we have convinced ourselves that our lives are needing to be perfect. We can't have these blemishes we can't have flaws. Your life must appear to be perfect. We have become accustom to only show the shiny parts of ourselves. This fact is a horrible side affect of the Social media age, a time when the pressure to be perfect is so great that an entire generation of humans are struggling with feelings of inadequacies and the rise of mental illness is on the rise. Or maybe it is just more apparent because we all share so much. Who really knows and all the studies are not really that clear.

Although I grew up in a generation before the internet was really a thing yup I am one of those Gen X'ers one of the chosen few who came of age in both before and after. As such we are stronger then most. In our day if someone had something to say they said it to your face. That approach saved a hell of a lot of heartache and misunderstanding. But in a sense we have all adapted to this media age where we have to share everything with everyone. I know none of you care what I had for dinner yet I will and am sharing that shit with you. We all scroll aimlessly on whatever app our phone has open and are force fed images and stories of who's wearing what and who is cool and god forbid who isn't.  We find solace in numbers, adding as many people as we can our friends list is like a badge of honor we all wear. the little thumbs up sign or heart at the bottom of a post gives us endorphins and is fueling our self-worth. None of this however really shows the struggles all of face on a daily basis. None of this covers up the things that are happening in the moments leading up to or after that post has been uploaded. 

This all brings me to my first Blog post I have been trying to decide how to start a blog for quite a while with the same inflated self-worth as everyone else I foolishly believe you all want to read this. knowing deep down no you really don't want or need to. I too am guilty of only showing the shiny parts the perfection that I think is my life. Never letting the real me show through entirely until now. Last night as I lay at the hospital after doing the most selfish thing I could ever attempt and the nurse and doctor from the Psych ward came to talk to me, I told them what had let me to this point and how I wasn't having a breakdown, I knew better and I would never attempt this again. How I have always been the levelheaded one weighing my options always being so confident in my way. Did I always make the right choice no but did I own every choice I have ever made DAMN RIGHT I do. That ownership included this and every person my actions hurt along the way. I told them trough tears what had brought me and that bottle of pills to this point. How there was no other action I could have taken in that moment.  I was under a pile of rubble of pieces I was trying so hard to keep together and it took one person and her tales her hateful words to break me totally. 

In my eyes my world everything I knew for 33 years was a lie. I looked around my house and wondered about every choice I had made, every word spoken every thought every feeling was it all a lie how?  How did I the person who weighed every option get to this point how was I the fool How How How.

I don't need to go into the story that was spun or if I even believe it now, but at that moment there was no more Liz Fox. She didn't exist according to this person. They were the rightful owner to my life. They knew the real me and it was a fraud. And I believed them. I doubted everything I didn't trust in the things I had worked so hard to make happen. 15 minutes that is all it took to crush me and they knew it.

I am not big on regret ever I have always lived my life with you made the choice you make the most of that choice. BUT somehow all the choices I have made didn't have a foundation anymore. All the happy photographs in my mind they were now cloudy did any of it matter?  For the first time in my life I did the selfish thing, I didn't think of my children I didn't think of any of my loved ones, my life my my my that was the only thoughts I had. I wasn't scared I didn't pause I just acted. 

Flashes of EMTS my dogs being upset they were trying to reverse this. Just let me go it was all a lie all of it. every inner insecurity I have ever had flooded to surface of my mind in that time. No one likes you no one ever did. you are nothing you came from nothing you have nothing. your a fraud and it had been found out. Nothing was ever going to be the same. You all know now. I am not perfect. I am not the smartest person in the room. And my life is a lie. 

A lie A lie A lie.

As I was starting to wake more realizing what I had done all the people I just hurt with my actions. Did I do this for attention did I want to be found. No, No I didn't I didn't see a way out. For the first time in my life I couldn't do as my grandfather had taught me, I wasn't the smartest person in the room  I was the fool who believed. Now what? How do I fix this how do I go on. Believe me I had plenty of time alone hearing nothing but a heart monitor and my thoughts along with the tick tick tick of the clock.

Seeing the hurt in my kids eyes was the hardest thing to face. I didn't factor them or my new grandbaby into my selfish choice. I had always been the one with the answers. I had always been the compass for them now I am swinging wildly out of control. I did not want to face that disappointment. That guilt I will carry with me for the rest of my days. What about my husband .... then it was what about him. I needed to talk to him. But did I for myself or did I just want more hurt and I needed to have him do the hurting? 

Answers I needed answers and he had them. Or did he? Is he just the comfort blanket that would make me feel more in control. Who knows.

He didn't come. He wasn't allowed. Everyone blamed him. I BLAMED HIM. FUCK HIM..... 

No I can't have anger anymore that part died. So did my self confidence and assurance of who I am. This is a new world. One where the consequences of my selfish actions has to be at the forefront of every conversation I have at least for the time being. 

The physical damage I did was there for all time. Inner scars I will have to wear a constant reminder of my own moment of weakness. The emotional hurt I put on every person who loves me. for what a moment of weakness. my own I have to own this. 

I own this and I am reclaiming my power this is my life and only I get to write each page not that person who with 15 minutes and a story tried to destroy it all. Maybe their story is real maybe only parts of it are. But who I was before that call and after are totally different.

This is the new me. the one who has a few more war wounds, a crazy story, and is starting over without the shiny side that we show the world. I am tarnished I am not perfect. I have fallen as low as any person can fall. BUT I am here. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but I am in it and for that I am thankful. 

Am I afraid of what people will think maybe but the need to have my truth out there is important. I need to know that it was for something my selfishness wasn't just for vanity wasn't just for attention. I am not nothing I do mean something and maybe just maybe I can help someone. Or I just really want the clicks and thumbs up. Either way this is my truth, My messy truth, The one that needs to breath air so that me and my family can heal. 

If you want to gossip I say get it from the horses mouth. Well I am that horse and here it is from my mouth and no my story isn't over. There will be other stories to dwell on soon enough but for now you can chew on mine.

The Therapist suggested I write down what I thought to clear my mind. To help make sense of it all because I can't let the words dictate this new chapter. I can't let it rule who I am. And in this media age you all get to take this journey with me. The good the bad and all the in-between. 

I am sorry for the pain I have caused all those I love but I truly think I needed this to wake up to find my footing and to be a better parent, grandparent and human. 

If there is a tomorrow make the best of it because more then ever not everyone is guaranteed.