Those five little words

 After my first late night session with what the cool kids call their Therapist .... Wait everyone calls them that so I am already one strike behind. He suggested that because I like to write stories and it is also a very good tool to help you heal from all that broke you that maybe I write a blog post for two weeks straight and see how that goes. there were some caveats for this endeavor:

Number one it has to be about me all about me my life what brought me to my incident (he didn't call it that I did) don't shy away from the parts that you feel need to be seen.

Number two be willing to take criticism about it because if you are doing this publicly then you are opening yourself up to every arm chair author and their mothers as well. Judgement is a hard pill to swallow but he seems to think I have the armor to deal with it so great.

Number three and most important don't get political, this is not for that and most political ideas are polarizing and that isn't what needed. You Liz need to get some of what is inside your mind out so that there is room to let the good in.   

Of course I put my own rule on this entire thing and he said that was fine..... I can not project what happened on anyone it was my choice nothing forced me to do what I did and every sentence every word must reflect that fact. 

Ok good sir I am in!! I have always fancied myself a writer and what is easier to write then your own life. But also I need to heal, in so many ways. There is a lot of baggage I carry that isn't my own and I am not going to share any of that but I also have a lot I need to heal from so you all that have decided to click on the link or found this well you all get to join me on this wild journey of healing. I don't plan on using names ever if you know me personally you will know who my husband kids and family are the rest of you just imagine who we might be. 

Sooooooooo Day two out of the hospital post life changing event, "How are You Doing Liz".  There it is those five words that people ask either in passing or out of a a need to find out the details of a story they heard. Either way this is the hardest question in the world to answer. Do you answer truthfully that you can't find your footing just yet and that you spent the entire day replaying every moment that left you where you are now. Do you talk about the tears that come in waves because your entire soul was crushed. Or do you answer like I always do......

"I'm ok everything is fine."

But that is the exact statement that has covered up so much in my life for so long. Oh you lost your mom how are you 

"I'm ok everything is fine."

with every traumatic event in my life I have answered this question the exact same way. knowing deep down I have to be the strong one. I have always been the go to person I can fix that, I can find a way. 

I have never let a setback be the end of that. door closes go around and find another way in. windows backdoors shit knock the walls down. No is never a final answer. BUT am I still that person? Did the core parts of me break? I always have attacked everything with the same outlook there is the answer you want you just have to look deep enough, try every angle, don't ever give up. 

I am so sorry about your illness "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm ok everything is fine."

So you may be asking the same question that I keep asking myself what then could break a person who no matter what never looked at the world with tears in their eyes. Why if you are such a force of perseverance did you break in the worst possible way. Not looking for the way around not kicking the walls in to escape instead of .........

Oh your entire family was rocked to it's core when you lost your father in law "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm OK I'M FINE!!!"

Am I though? Can I just put blinders on for every event and be strong carry on. There is a saying I have always loved "Be careful of the Blackfoot even their women are warriors." My people we are strong resilient fighters. FULL STOP. I know this to my core, so if this is the case how in fucking hell was I so weak for one moment, how did I let this break me? So many questions running through my mind. I keep dancing around the question you all have right now by deflecting avoiding and pretending there isn't a huge elephant staring at us all.

I can't just simply answer those five words right now. Not in the way you would like me to, in a way that I would like me to. My center has always been one thing I know who I am comfortable in my skin knowing everything that has happened was because I had made that choice. But that center is off balance,  They did that but why did I let them? 

HOW THE FUCK did I let them do this to me. No I don't let people just do to me, I am not a child I am Liz..... yet here we are, they did. So what now. 

I went digging yes. I needed to know yes. That is on me but in all truth I was still confident I held the stronger foothold you don't go in to battle unless you have a stronger advantage. 

Was this a blitz attack? no I brought the fight to them. And I almost lost. They were sneaky. they attached themselves to my family in ways I didn't see coming and they used that as weapons. That angers me, that isn't a fair fight. 

WHO DOES THAT. I am still questioning every word I heard can that be true no it can't because this or that. What if I was that blind. AM I THAT STUPID?

Always be the smartest person in the room. Never say I don't know ......Lizzie if someone asks you a question and you don't have the answer you say I'll find out and then make sure you always have an answer.

Yet I don't know. I am afraid of the answers and this is all new to me. I am so angry at myself. I am so angry at them. Can I find Liz? or some remnants of her anywhere? Or do I start all over and say fuck it all.  I could have done that instead of what I did. 

My grandpa used to say you can shit in one hand and wish in the other see which fills up first. Well I wish I didn't do this but shit I surely did and now I have to find my way out of it. 

Your world was altered in so many ways "How are you doing Liz?"

...............

The jury is still out one that one guys 

I know two things 2 days out of the lowest point of my life and that is saying a lot I have had so many lows that I have battled to be me I wore all those battle scars, with the knowing I am making this choice and I can live with every outcome, but for the first time in my life I do not know I do not have the answers and I am afraid. I have never been fearful, and I have faced some monsters in my life. There was always a way out there was always a answer. Till now. 

I worry not so much for me I worry for my family. What I did to them for selfish reasons. having people check in on me is new. Don't worry guys I won't do it again. That I do know for sure. 

Why then take a full bottle of sleeping pills if you are so fucking strong? If you won't ever do it again.

Because I do know one thing that part of Liz the part that never gives up she didn't die she might have been critically wounded but she is still here and I will continue slowly, shaky and unsure for a bit but I will find my way. Because that is who I am.

So with tears in my eyes I say

"I'm Ok I'll be fine."