In the land of hay Ya's and Yee Haws.

 For as long as I can remember I have learned about our people. Our people our race. Our plight our fight our existence. All of it. I learned about all of it.

I learned of the dangers of the different kinds of genocide that were continually introduced to us. I learned that evil man with the little mustache modeled his camps after our residential schools.  I learned all the stuff not put in the history books.

So in honor of the beginning of Native American History Month (Thanks Obama) I decided I would write down my thoughts on all of this. a little change of pace for me, in fact I do have some stuff to get off my chest after attending the annual INFR but that will be for another day, today I want to speak on these matters. Because these matters matter.

It is kind of strange to see Native issues in the forefront of things like the Oscar race and in the music world. Now if you are living under a rock you wouldn't know about these issues, but if like me you live in the world you know all about Buffy and Killers of the Flower Moon. So which do I tackle first? Which deserves more of my time of my thoughts..... they both do.  There are problems with both of these current issues. And on the flip side they both have some positives. 

I met him on the Pow Wow Trail....... 

Everyone in Indian Country knows this line, shit we have all sung it at the top of our lungs at a 49 party or driving in a car with our friends. Her relevance to our people is not even measurable, or undeniable. She put our people and their fight on the map. I never really liked her now no one tell my dead mother that because Buffy was her friend, but it is true. I have never like people who try too hard to make others see them, and one thing about Buffy is that she makes people look at her.

Buffy in all her glory is defined best by her own child, who said an Italian woman with a big nose is not beautiful but tell the world she is Indian and all of a sudden.....

The real problem one that is just being brought to light is one that no one and everyone simultaneously wants to tackle. The pretend Indian the fake, there are people who say there are over 200,000 people pretending to be first nations, getting what little funding and fame that brings. But in my mind there is so many more they have made up an entire race to infringe on native rights. a part of the continued genocide which has moved to on paper. 

The fascination with our race is nothing new. it is equal parts curiosity and hubris. I fancy myself a history buff, not just the history of my people which I am well versed in but in history in general. History proves that the victor writes the history. Think about that statement. The battle with the Indian was never won, there was a peace treaty signed.... then slowly violated but none the less it was a peace treaty, the white man has taken it on himself to write our history. People like Buffy took this and decided that she would give herself a bit of our history. 

She really wasn't the first to do this but by far she is the most successful at it. For their entire lives here on turtle island white people have been claiming things that are ours and passing them off as their own. There is no way we can be smart enough to create things, invent things, name things. When you look through the tapestry that makes up Canada and the United States, our people's hands are all over every aspect of it.  The constitution of the USA was taken from the eastern tribes and the name Canada was taken from the same people. Various sports, inventions, cities and locations all taken from Native words, yet the credit until recently has never been given to those who it should be.

I do not think what Buffy did was ok in fact what she did was something worse then pretending to be something she never was but she also worked her way into a tribe, a wolf in sheepskin. Studying learning and using that tribe for her own personal gain. Our tribe has had various people who have done this, marrying our members attending our ceremonies and then sharing what they have learned for profit. PROFIT. our ancestors once said when signing treaties we can not trade the lands for money because if you throw the dirt on a fire it won't burn but if you throw your money on the fire it will. The land will outlast your paper money. We didn't think the way a white person thinks we still don't in some ways. the things done by Buffy, were for fame and profit, it was never for the people surrounding her with love. 

If we are to attack her for what she did then we should be battling against other ways the white man is attacking us namely the Metis. This made up construct of people who can not provide their linage do not belong to any tribe, but yet somehow are equal to our tribal people is a new attack on us, and one where we feel we should not speak up. Take a step back and realize that they too have taken what is not theirs and claimed it for their own. If our collective outrage should be directed anywhere it should be there before it is too late.

and that is where I will leave the Buffy section.... "As I go back to Canada"

As a Blackfoot woman I have a sense of pride as I see pictures of Lily Gladstone on TV's posters, and in the news. Man she got to meet Leo...... and Dinero I mean.... come on how cool. Then you read the reviews..... mostly great mostly praise

Except for a few who have decided why if these people were so well off why would they subject themselves to being married to the white man? Why would they let a white man dictate their finances? 

Of course the source material was written by a white man, like I stated before they write their own version of history. But this did happen I watched the movie and there were explanations not included in the either the book or the screenplay.

There have always been these checks and balances as they were called in every deal made with my people. We after all were, savages and in their eyes incapable of handling our own finances let alone caring for ourselves. Women of that tribe married non natives because even though their elders didn't approve they wanted to have control and marrying one gave them more control because then the white man became their care giver.  These choices affect our race even today.

Because we have been told our ways are evil, the English language beat into us and their churches forced onto us we still have this way of looking at the world. We have this misguided outlook that we simultaneously have zero trust and look for their approval. 

We knew we couldn't trust the white man but to this day we must ask for approval for every thing we do on our reservations. We are not allowed to control our finances totally, we have to request for everything we need to do, and our core funding although it comes from our own money we can not use as we wish. Federal governments control our monies, our membership, and our day to day activities. 

We all know our treaty numbers, these numbers are rattled off for most tribal business, no one has taken the time to realize what these numbers are, these are tracking tools. Another tool set up to watch us. the only difference between us and those in Germany is our number is not tattooed on our forearm. 

I think although this book and movie is out there and only tells a part of Molly and her family it is a beginning and now our people can start to tell our tribal stories because we all have them. Each tribe has stories of horror and killing. Now is the time for our people to step out of the shadows not ask for permission but to take the reigns and get the real history out there.

Each of these things is proof that our stories our lives are still being profited off by non natives. Now is the time for us to take our history back. Buffy got away with her lie for her entire adult life made millions of dollars, and the tribe she claims never benefitted from one dollar. At least when the Movie was made of the book Killers of the Flower Moon, The Osage people were consulted their language spoken and their people were used when they were able to. It may be small steps but they are steps in the right direction.

Now it up to my generation to work towards getting the stories out there, in which ever way we choose to do so and to ensure that our children and their children are made aware of where we were and where our people are going.

As for the pretendindians all of them, I see you and no matter the backlash we must defend what is ours. My first step is to say publicly that there is no Metis nation. they are not a nation, they are not a race, if you are first nations, trace your linage back to a tribe, give proof. There are only 3 types of animal that are required to provide proof of who they are......

Dogs

Horses

and Indians.

If you have Indian blood you can prove it on paper we all have to, so should you. These are your rules all we ask is you follow them.

What's Love Got To Do With It??

 Well I made it TWO freaking weeks of writing my thoughts ramblings and all that Jazz. I managed not to name names point fingers or displace blame onto others.

Am I cured? of what I am not sure but no I am most defiantly not cured of all that broke me, I still have the thoughts no matter how hard I try, you replay parts of your life or your entire life. Doing so has however made me remember who I am. 

Who I am without saying I am his wife, their mom, your friend, the person who deserved to be destroyed.

No I was not born of money, but I was taught to work hard, out work everyone. There are 3 keys to success in life knowledge, hard work, and personality. I have all those things with or without anyone beside me so it's time to start thinking like I know who I am.

I have been doing so much self reflection, looking inside myself. Finding out what makes Liz tick, well it seems there is so much more to me then the outside. Yes my insides are still a mess, but that is what makes me human.

I had a very strong memory of my childhood, my big little brother and I growing up were for lack of a better term shit kids. we tormented each other the neighborhood and all of our older cousins. I always had to bounce shit off of him from being a little monster right up to today. Somehow nothing is undoable if I first talk to him about it. He has always been able to see inside, and just know. I try to be that same thing for him but I know deep down he has always been stronger and I just always fall in line with him. 

Well the day of my incident, he called me a few hours before, it was a normal enough call but he was fishing asking me questions and kept going back to how are you. I would answer like I always do fine it is what it is what did you need from me. I never imagined that so much would be dumped on my head in just a few hours after that I didn't have the strength to overcome it. I would never imagine I would ever be that low. 

strangely talking to him this week we had both had the same thought we both thought of my mom and how she felt what she went through and he said I never want to see you like that. She forgot who she was and let the negative win over and over don't you do that Liz. and I promised him but more importantly promised myself never again.

NEVER AGAIN!!

So where does that leave me now. Firstly I started writing again and that is a win. Like I said at the beginning of this journey I have always fancied myself a writer so I think I am going to keep this Blog up, and I am going to give stories from my life hopefully they will a bit more on the chipper side HOWEVER life is life so you never know. Secondly I am going to continue therapy. It is helping. 

But most importantly I am never going to hang my identity on anyone but myself. I am a mother wife sister friend and community member but above all of those things I am me, every hurdle I have overcome, every time I have stumbled I and I alone has picked me up and kept going. This time is no different there is just farther to climb back up.

I can do it and right now I feel better then I did yesterday, and I can actually go about my day without tears. That in itself is such as good thing. I was never one for tears or outward emotion. Don't get me wrong I am passionate about things, speak loudly, stand my ground if I believe in something I can defend that. but I am not emotional, I never have let emotions get in the way of logic before this so having to figure out how to balance my emotions and the logic of what is right and wrong, that is what I am figuring our right now. 

I also have given up on trying to control every situation, my children, and my husband all have lives that they need to live, my involvement will be what they need not what I want. 

I also am not always the only answer. that is the hardest one to swallow. I have always studied every situation to ensure that I know I KNOW. nut now I need to let people figure out things on their own.

That statement is the scariest thing I have thought or said. But I can not carry the load of everyone anymore. Mentally or physically I can't do it so hello this is the new and maybe improved me. 

If you know me personally and I seem aloof or distant just know I am not I am just finding my footing and it will all be ok eventually.

I may have damaged my heart but it is still there and the love I have for my true friends and family will never waiver, never change. 

Until tomorrow I everyone. 

Cutting out the Old

 Does anyone remember the bumper stickers of old with the bubble letters, cute little pictures? 

JUST KEEP TRUCKIN'

Yeah it's one of those nights I think. Because we have all lived by this statement at one time or another. At least I have. No matter what the issue you just keep truckin..... You got this.

You've got this.

I went and got my hair cut today. Bless my daughter she is trying to help me find myself again. The old Liz before would get her hair done, get pedicures, and care. I knew who I was why I was and no matter what happened I was sure of that.

Power through you got this 

I never thought doing this simple thing would help me like it did though and that is the truth. Changing things up and looking at the before and the after sure helps a lot. It really does.  I feel like I can face the world handle the questions and most importantly I can breathe and live. I know your outsides don't usually match your insides. Most times in fact your insides are torn the fuck up and your outside is like the shield to protect yourself.

The real question should be why do we have to hide how we really feel about somethings, why do we have to put a brave face on.

My big little brother put it pretty plainly to me yesterday however....... We all have people that hate us we all have people talking shit. What have we done this entire life Liz? so when are we done being sad? when is the pity party over and when do we get pissed off and take care of this shit?

I guess right now. I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be the one who takes a stand anymore but yet here I am doing it. Even though I don't want to be that person anymore because my initial instinct is to climb in a hole and ignore the world I am standing up and yelling at the top of my lungs......

Bring it.

Everything in my life in the last 33 years, is mine I have worked so hard to be me. I am pretty damn smart, I can handle any situation I have had thrown in my way up to this point. My problem continues to be that I can solve problems. I can be strong and I don't waiver. I needed and will continue to need to know my limits. 

As crazy as it sounds I have to learn how to balance everything because I can't totally change who I have been. I have to be ok with not fixing everything even when I try. I also have to admit its fine to cry but like I learned years ago cry until its done then it's over no more wallowing.

If someone thinks they lived my life good luck if you want my life you couldn't handle it. I have lived through more then I will ever admit and I am still standing.

Did you know that the vitamins I take saved my life. they did. Counter acted the sleeping pills and because of this they never took full affect. I was not aware this would happen but it did. Devine intervention maybe or maybe I just wasn't done in this world and I just needed this reset. 

Whatever the reason I am here facing my demons and still standing like always so I just Keep On Truckin. 

The Old Me and New Me are the same ME

My entire life I have never been the weak one, suck it up......

At five I broke my arm playing with all my cousins who happen to be boys. I was told quiet directly that if I cried I would NEVER be able to play with them again. I promptly got up and walked in my grandparents house laid on the couch and never whimpered once.  I don't know how many hours later my grandfather came home asked why I was just laying inside I said oh I'm just tired. I don't remember the pain at all I do however remember I got to ride in an ambulance and got McDonalds. That was amazing.

Life gets hard you don't cry about it you just figure a way through it. I have had to leave in the middle of the night because of some bullshit my father was on about one thing or another. Thankfully I had my cousin who is like my sister and best friend all rolled into one. She saved me so many times. But no tears. nope you just get through it. 

I have so many examples. Appendix needed to be removed I drove myself to hospital, and then checked myself out the next day. Shattered my arm went to a rodeo with the family the next weekend because I couldn't disappoint my child. Part of my colon removed home the same day. same with every surgery I have ever had. I don't have time to be sick or hurt or weak.

Part of the problem part of why I broke so bad is because I have always been so strong. I push past the pain put it away and deal. If it's losing someone, if its an emergency of some kind..... no one has time for mom to fall apart I have to hold it together.

I had a conversation with my cousin who could be my twin we have grown up together and are still so close, he knows me as well as I know myself. He told me I couldn't hide shit from him he knew something was wrong even before I did. I just couldn't verbalize it still having trouble doing it. But he knew.  He talked some sense into me today. 

He reminded me that we are stronger then we realize that we have lived through more then most people have ever, and it's ok to be sad but pull your self up and keep on moving. I broke because I became stagnant I forgot to keep moving forward, got comfortable. 

People are always going to hate on you speak ill of your name it's up to you do fight it off ignore it or just say fuck it. Somewhere in the last week I forgot all that.

I told him I was tired of fighting tired of being sick. I said it's unfair there are people who are addicts who live healthy lives for decades I feel like my body betrayed me. It isn't fair. But that is life and I can either cry about it or get the fuck over it.

I have been living in this holding pattern for the last little while afraid to bite the bullet afraid to do much of anything fighting illness will do that to you I suppose. But I can't keep doing this to myself. 

What was said to me how it was said that was designed to hurt to cut me and it did. But I am not broken. I am me I have fought and won every battle put in my path. 

As the big little brother said when are we done being sad and when do we start kicking ass. I guess right now I was trying to not be angry I was trying to be kind but that isn't my defense I fight back I fight my way out and now it's time to start fighting. 

Fighting for me. I do not need to replay what happened it already happened and I am still here. so starting today I start living for me. My family is welcome to come along but at this point this is about me and I will be ok. 

I went out did a photoshoot today and although the fear of outside sat in my stomach I powered through and I realized those that know me and love me will always be there and I can't stop living just because someone else wants my life. Not many people are built to handle what I have lived through what I have and not many can battle for their life in so many ways like I have so sorry but you can never be me and I am stronger because of your weakness.

You played your hand. I folded but I am still in the game, This time I am ALL IN so bring it.

Those five little words

 After my first late night session with what the cool kids call their Therapist .... Wait everyone calls them that so I am already one strike behind. He suggested that because I like to write stories and it is also a very good tool to help you heal from all that broke you that maybe I write a blog post for two weeks straight and see how that goes. there were some caveats for this endeavor:

Number one it has to be about me all about me my life what brought me to my incident (he didn't call it that I did) don't shy away from the parts that you feel need to be seen.

Number two be willing to take criticism about it because if you are doing this publicly then you are opening yourself up to every arm chair author and their mothers as well. Judgement is a hard pill to swallow but he seems to think I have the armor to deal with it so great.

Number three and most important don't get political, this is not for that and most political ideas are polarizing and that isn't what needed. You Liz need to get some of what is inside your mind out so that there is room to let the good in.   

Of course I put my own rule on this entire thing and he said that was fine..... I can not project what happened on anyone it was my choice nothing forced me to do what I did and every sentence every word must reflect that fact. 

Ok good sir I am in!! I have always fancied myself a writer and what is easier to write then your own life. But also I need to heal, in so many ways. There is a lot of baggage I carry that isn't my own and I am not going to share any of that but I also have a lot I need to heal from so you all that have decided to click on the link or found this well you all get to join me on this wild journey of healing. I don't plan on using names ever if you know me personally you will know who my husband kids and family are the rest of you just imagine who we might be. 

Sooooooooo Day two out of the hospital post life changing event, "How are You Doing Liz".  There it is those five words that people ask either in passing or out of a a need to find out the details of a story they heard. Either way this is the hardest question in the world to answer. Do you answer truthfully that you can't find your footing just yet and that you spent the entire day replaying every moment that left you where you are now. Do you talk about the tears that come in waves because your entire soul was crushed. Or do you answer like I always do......

"I'm ok everything is fine."

But that is the exact statement that has covered up so much in my life for so long. Oh you lost your mom how are you 

"I'm ok everything is fine."

with every traumatic event in my life I have answered this question the exact same way. knowing deep down I have to be the strong one. I have always been the go to person I can fix that, I can find a way. 

I have never let a setback be the end of that. door closes go around and find another way in. windows backdoors shit knock the walls down. No is never a final answer. BUT am I still that person? Did the core parts of me break? I always have attacked everything with the same outlook there is the answer you want you just have to look deep enough, try every angle, don't ever give up. 

I am so sorry about your illness "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm ok everything is fine."

So you may be asking the same question that I keep asking myself what then could break a person who no matter what never looked at the world with tears in their eyes. Why if you are such a force of perseverance did you break in the worst possible way. Not looking for the way around not kicking the walls in to escape instead of .........

Oh your entire family was rocked to it's core when you lost your father in law "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm OK I'M FINE!!!"

Am I though? Can I just put blinders on for every event and be strong carry on. There is a saying I have always loved "Be careful of the Blackfoot even their women are warriors." My people we are strong resilient fighters. FULL STOP. I know this to my core, so if this is the case how in fucking hell was I so weak for one moment, how did I let this break me? So many questions running through my mind. I keep dancing around the question you all have right now by deflecting avoiding and pretending there isn't a huge elephant staring at us all.

I can't just simply answer those five words right now. Not in the way you would like me to, in a way that I would like me to. My center has always been one thing I know who I am comfortable in my skin knowing everything that has happened was because I had made that choice. But that center is off balance,  They did that but why did I let them? 

HOW THE FUCK did I let them do this to me. No I don't let people just do to me, I am not a child I am Liz..... yet here we are, they did. So what now. 

I went digging yes. I needed to know yes. That is on me but in all truth I was still confident I held the stronger foothold you don't go in to battle unless you have a stronger advantage. 

Was this a blitz attack? no I brought the fight to them. And I almost lost. They were sneaky. they attached themselves to my family in ways I didn't see coming and they used that as weapons. That angers me, that isn't a fair fight. 

WHO DOES THAT. I am still questioning every word I heard can that be true no it can't because this or that. What if I was that blind. AM I THAT STUPID?

Always be the smartest person in the room. Never say I don't know ......Lizzie if someone asks you a question and you don't have the answer you say I'll find out and then make sure you always have an answer.

Yet I don't know. I am afraid of the answers and this is all new to me. I am so angry at myself. I am so angry at them. Can I find Liz? or some remnants of her anywhere? Or do I start all over and say fuck it all.  I could have done that instead of what I did. 

My grandpa used to say you can shit in one hand and wish in the other see which fills up first. Well I wish I didn't do this but shit I surely did and now I have to find my way out of it. 

Your world was altered in so many ways "How are you doing Liz?"

...............

The jury is still out one that one guys 

I know two things 2 days out of the lowest point of my life and that is saying a lot I have had so many lows that I have battled to be me I wore all those battle scars, with the knowing I am making this choice and I can live with every outcome, but for the first time in my life I do not know I do not have the answers and I am afraid. I have never been fearful, and I have faced some monsters in my life. There was always a way out there was always a answer. Till now. 

I worry not so much for me I worry for my family. What I did to them for selfish reasons. having people check in on me is new. Don't worry guys I won't do it again. That I do know for sure. 

Why then take a full bottle of sleeping pills if you are so fucking strong? If you won't ever do it again.

Because I do know one thing that part of Liz the part that never gives up she didn't die she might have been critically wounded but she is still here and I will continue slowly, shaky and unsure for a bit but I will find my way. Because that is who I am.

So with tears in my eyes I say

"I'm Ok I'll be fine."

We are all damaged some of us just wear it better

In the day and age in the age of Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat, all of trying to learn the new Tic Tok dances and post the perfect Instagram picture somehow we have convinced ourselves that our lives are needing to be perfect. We can't have these blemishes we can't have flaws. Your life must appear to be perfect. We have become accustom to only show the shiny parts of ourselves. This fact is a horrible side affect of the Social media age, a time when the pressure to be perfect is so great that an entire generation of humans are struggling with feelings of inadequacies and the rise of mental illness is on the rise. Or maybe it is just more apparent because we all share so much. Who really knows and all the studies are not really that clear.

Although I grew up in a generation before the internet was really a thing yup I am one of those Gen X'ers one of the chosen few who came of age in both before and after. As such we are stronger then most. In our day if someone had something to say they said it to your face. That approach saved a hell of a lot of heartache and misunderstanding. But in a sense we have all adapted to this media age where we have to share everything with everyone. I know none of you care what I had for dinner yet I will and am sharing that shit with you. We all scroll aimlessly on whatever app our phone has open and are force fed images and stories of who's wearing what and who is cool and god forbid who isn't.  We find solace in numbers, adding as many people as we can our friends list is like a badge of honor we all wear. the little thumbs up sign or heart at the bottom of a post gives us endorphins and is fueling our self-worth. None of this however really shows the struggles all of face on a daily basis. None of this covers up the things that are happening in the moments leading up to or after that post has been uploaded. 

This all brings me to my first Blog post I have been trying to decide how to start a blog for quite a while with the same inflated self-worth as everyone else I foolishly believe you all want to read this. knowing deep down no you really don't want or need to. I too am guilty of only showing the shiny parts the perfection that I think is my life. Never letting the real me show through entirely until now. Last night as I lay at the hospital after doing the most selfish thing I could ever attempt and the nurse and doctor from the Psych ward came to talk to me, I told them what had let me to this point and how I wasn't having a breakdown, I knew better and I would never attempt this again. How I have always been the levelheaded one weighing my options always being so confident in my way. Did I always make the right choice no but did I own every choice I have ever made DAMN RIGHT I do. That ownership included this and every person my actions hurt along the way. I told them trough tears what had brought me and that bottle of pills to this point. How there was no other action I could have taken in that moment.  I was under a pile of rubble of pieces I was trying so hard to keep together and it took one person and her tales her hateful words to break me totally. 

In my eyes my world everything I knew for 33 years was a lie. I looked around my house and wondered about every choice I had made, every word spoken every thought every feeling was it all a lie how?  How did I the person who weighed every option get to this point how was I the fool How How How.

I don't need to go into the story that was spun or if I even believe it now, but at that moment there was no more Liz Fox. She didn't exist according to this person. They were the rightful owner to my life. They knew the real me and it was a fraud. And I believed them. I doubted everything I didn't trust in the things I had worked so hard to make happen. 15 minutes that is all it took to crush me and they knew it.

I am not big on regret ever I have always lived my life with you made the choice you make the most of that choice. BUT somehow all the choices I have made didn't have a foundation anymore. All the happy photographs in my mind they were now cloudy did any of it matter?  For the first time in my life I did the selfish thing, I didn't think of my children I didn't think of any of my loved ones, my life my my my that was the only thoughts I had. I wasn't scared I didn't pause I just acted. 

Flashes of EMTS my dogs being upset they were trying to reverse this. Just let me go it was all a lie all of it. every inner insecurity I have ever had flooded to surface of my mind in that time. No one likes you no one ever did. you are nothing you came from nothing you have nothing. your a fraud and it had been found out. Nothing was ever going to be the same. You all know now. I am not perfect. I am not the smartest person in the room. And my life is a lie. 

A lie A lie A lie.

As I was starting to wake more realizing what I had done all the people I just hurt with my actions. Did I do this for attention did I want to be found. No, No I didn't I didn't see a way out. For the first time in my life I couldn't do as my grandfather had taught me, I wasn't the smartest person in the room  I was the fool who believed. Now what? How do I fix this how do I go on. Believe me I had plenty of time alone hearing nothing but a heart monitor and my thoughts along with the tick tick tick of the clock.

Seeing the hurt in my kids eyes was the hardest thing to face. I didn't factor them or my new grandbaby into my selfish choice. I had always been the one with the answers. I had always been the compass for them now I am swinging wildly out of control. I did not want to face that disappointment. That guilt I will carry with me for the rest of my days. What about my husband .... then it was what about him. I needed to talk to him. But did I for myself or did I just want more hurt and I needed to have him do the hurting? 

Answers I needed answers and he had them. Or did he? Is he just the comfort blanket that would make me feel more in control. Who knows.

He didn't come. He wasn't allowed. Everyone blamed him. I BLAMED HIM. FUCK HIM..... 

No I can't have anger anymore that part died. So did my self confidence and assurance of who I am. This is a new world. One where the consequences of my selfish actions has to be at the forefront of every conversation I have at least for the time being. 

The physical damage I did was there for all time. Inner scars I will have to wear a constant reminder of my own moment of weakness. The emotional hurt I put on every person who loves me. for what a moment of weakness. my own I have to own this. 

I own this and I am reclaiming my power this is my life and only I get to write each page not that person who with 15 minutes and a story tried to destroy it all. Maybe their story is real maybe only parts of it are. But who I was before that call and after are totally different.

This is the new me. the one who has a few more war wounds, a crazy story, and is starting over without the shiny side that we show the world. I am tarnished I am not perfect. I have fallen as low as any person can fall. BUT I am here. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but I am in it and for that I am thankful. 

Am I afraid of what people will think maybe but the need to have my truth out there is important. I need to know that it was for something my selfishness wasn't just for vanity wasn't just for attention. I am not nothing I do mean something and maybe just maybe I can help someone. Or I just really want the clicks and thumbs up. Either way this is my truth, My messy truth, The one that needs to breath air so that me and my family can heal. 

If you want to gossip I say get it from the horses mouth. Well I am that horse and here it is from my mouth and no my story isn't over. There will be other stories to dwell on soon enough but for now you can chew on mine.

The Therapist suggested I write down what I thought to clear my mind. To help make sense of it all because I can't let the words dictate this new chapter. I can't let it rule who I am. And in this media age you all get to take this journey with me. The good the bad and all the in-between. 

I am sorry for the pain I have caused all those I love but I truly think I needed this to wake up to find my footing and to be a better parent, grandparent and human. 

If there is a tomorrow make the best of it because more then ever not everyone is guaranteed.