What's Love Got To Do With It??

 Well I made it TWO freaking weeks of writing my thoughts ramblings and all that Jazz. I managed not to name names point fingers or displace blame onto others.

Am I cured? of what I am not sure but no I am most defiantly not cured of all that broke me, I still have the thoughts no matter how hard I try, you replay parts of your life or your entire life. Doing so has however made me remember who I am. 

Who I am without saying I am his wife, their mom, your friend, the person who deserved to be destroyed.

No I was not born of money, but I was taught to work hard, out work everyone. There are 3 keys to success in life knowledge, hard work, and personality. I have all those things with or without anyone beside me so it's time to start thinking like I know who I am.

I have been doing so much self reflection, looking inside myself. Finding out what makes Liz tick, well it seems there is so much more to me then the outside. Yes my insides are still a mess, but that is what makes me human.

I had a very strong memory of my childhood, my big little brother and I growing up were for lack of a better term shit kids. we tormented each other the neighborhood and all of our older cousins. I always had to bounce shit off of him from being a little monster right up to today. Somehow nothing is undoable if I first talk to him about it. He has always been able to see inside, and just know. I try to be that same thing for him but I know deep down he has always been stronger and I just always fall in line with him. 

Well the day of my incident, he called me a few hours before, it was a normal enough call but he was fishing asking me questions and kept going back to how are you. I would answer like I always do fine it is what it is what did you need from me. I never imagined that so much would be dumped on my head in just a few hours after that I didn't have the strength to overcome it. I would never imagine I would ever be that low. 

strangely talking to him this week we had both had the same thought we both thought of my mom and how she felt what she went through and he said I never want to see you like that. She forgot who she was and let the negative win over and over don't you do that Liz. and I promised him but more importantly promised myself never again.

NEVER AGAIN!!

So where does that leave me now. Firstly I started writing again and that is a win. Like I said at the beginning of this journey I have always fancied myself a writer so I think I am going to keep this Blog up, and I am going to give stories from my life hopefully they will a bit more on the chipper side HOWEVER life is life so you never know. Secondly I am going to continue therapy. It is helping. 

But most importantly I am never going to hang my identity on anyone but myself. I am a mother wife sister friend and community member but above all of those things I am me, every hurdle I have overcome, every time I have stumbled I and I alone has picked me up and kept going. This time is no different there is just farther to climb back up.

I can do it and right now I feel better then I did yesterday, and I can actually go about my day without tears. That in itself is such as good thing. I was never one for tears or outward emotion. Don't get me wrong I am passionate about things, speak loudly, stand my ground if I believe in something I can defend that. but I am not emotional, I never have let emotions get in the way of logic before this so having to figure out how to balance my emotions and the logic of what is right and wrong, that is what I am figuring our right now. 

I also have given up on trying to control every situation, my children, and my husband all have lives that they need to live, my involvement will be what they need not what I want. 

I also am not always the only answer. that is the hardest one to swallow. I have always studied every situation to ensure that I know I KNOW. nut now I need to let people figure out things on their own.

That statement is the scariest thing I have thought or said. But I can not carry the load of everyone anymore. Mentally or physically I can't do it so hello this is the new and maybe improved me. 

If you know me personally and I seem aloof or distant just know I am not I am just finding my footing and it will all be ok eventually.

I may have damaged my heart but it is still there and the love I have for my true friends and family will never waiver, never change. 

Until tomorrow I everyone. 

Is there a higher power

 My entire life I have been curious about everything. One thing that has always baffled me is religion all religion. I am too practical, and I am just not ok with something forced on anyone. If you look at the history of religion through out time you see that who ever is in power uses their view on what heaven and hell are and that includes a lot of fear. 

Don't get me wrong you can believe whatever you want. It is not my mission in life to tell you what is real and what isn't. I do however read everything I can about all types of churches, I am more interested in why a group of people would believe something. I also find it interesting how they know for a fact that their way is the only way, I mean people have been being born and dying for centuries right? where are they all going? That's just how my brain works I can't help it.

Now we are Catholics, my children are baptized we attend church, but my relationship with the church is not as strong as it should be and I will never make my children choose that god. Each person and their relationship with whatever they believe should be their own. 

Someone asked me a while ago to explain the difference between our culture as Blackfoot people and religion, and there is a difference. Our culture is not a religion it is our way of life. Yes we pray and give thanks but it is a way of life, religion is structured and there is a good and bad a heaven and hell. Punishments for breaking commandments.

Ok Liz why are you touching this hot button item..... you promised your therapist you wouldn't be political..... Stay with me here this is important.

First of all what I did was a mortal sin, according to my religion, I know this it has been told to me murder is bad killing of ones self is the ultimate form of such. With that in the back of my mind always thou shall not...... 

You would think maybe I would have had pause, but I didn't I didn't even think twice I honestly believed I would see my mother, grandparents, my sister...... but how if there is a heaven and hell. Didn't even factor in. 

In the ambulance I remember two things I remember the paramedic in the back with me knew my daughter and I know I saw my mother. Sounds silly I know physically she wasn't there, maybe it was all in my mind, maybe she was meeting me at the gates of the sandhills to tell me no, who knows. But I did see her and she wasn't happy to see me.

Now no Catholic  would ever say oh you were visited by a loved one. That crap doesn't happen but it did so where does that leave me. More questions then answers. always seems to be the more I look deep the more questions I have.

I can shrug that away I guess. 

So the damage I did to myself had to do with both my kidneys and my heart. needless to say I started to have heart failure late Monday night, listening to the doctors and nurses say there wasn't anything else they could do for me was a bit alarming to say the least, you woke me up to tell me that I wasn't going to make it, I wanted to just go to sleep somehow you guys are making this a big deal now.......

I know the power my mother in law has in her prayers, there is a saying a lot of us are still here because of grandma's prayers. Believe it people. 

I don't think I was scared but I was worried because my kids were there, my husband was there, so I made a silent vow, a promise to our creator. That is between him and I and I will fulfill it, but I know that is why I am still here. 

I know I was in bad shape I am still pretty weak for sure, but I am on the other side now. Was it God or was it our creator are they the same thing?

Religion is really a comfort for the unknown it's a way for us to believe that we will go on somehow somewhere. 

I see people who attend church and pray but can be the most unkind to others the other six days a week and then I see those who are humble and kind and don't set foot in a church so what do I believe. I guess like I said it is a personal belief in what gives me comfort.

What gives me comfort right now is knowing that I have a creator, he has given me a second chance and that you do not leave this world until whatever job you have to do is completed. 

I also know now that there are people in this world who are not kind, they are spiteful mean and will tear you down to try to make themselves feel better. That is not anything new to me, I had just not dealt with that in over 20 years. I guess the lesson I have learned is that I need to always be aware of my surroundings and stop being so trusting in the world. 

I am not sure if any of this even matters to anyone but me but I know I needed to go through this in my head. some one said thank the lord your still here.......

Um ok you can thank him and I will thank the creator both of them must have had a hand in it. And I will not waste the second chance I have been given. No more waiting for the cancer to eat me up  I have some living to do.

Now how to break it to my husband that I want a tattoo Ha ha welcome to the new Liz get on board or get out of the way.

reclaiming my time

 I have never felt like I needed to hide who I am, I was always self assure and aware of everything. This is something new for me. 

Makeup has always been fun for me, until yesterday, it became my shield to venture out. I couldn't walk out the door, without my heart starting to race sweat beads down my back. No this isn't who I am No I have always been sure of what I am doing where I am going and who the hell I am. Until now this is all new to me for the first time in my life. 

It would be easy to blame any number of things for this any moment in the last year and a half could have caused me to break in the way I broke but all of those things I walked into with open eyes. So ultimately this all falls on my shoulders. And that is the problem. It all falls on my shoulders I have chosen to be the person I am, I don't ask for help I am never wrong. This is one of the things I have to learn how not to be.

Our elders have this thing they say I can't spell it but roughly translated it is Don't worry about it. Basically they are saying it will work out it's not that big of a deal. I have never learned that amount of chill. Maybe someday I will figure that out but for now I fret, I fret about things I can control and more then not I worry about the things I have zero control or say over. 

I focus on what can be. Running scenarios through my mind playing all possible and impossible outcomes. But everyone does that don't they have full blown conversations in their head before you even see the person or get to where ever your going? 

It's like the boy scouts, always be prepared. and I am usually right on top of everything. Except for the last year and a half I haven't been. I have been flying blindly into situations. 

The amount of care I should be putting into everything is terribly lacking in every department. 

I have always had great time management, work ethic and ability. until now. my lack of care was bleeding into everything I been doing. Truthfully that doesn't bother me even now. 

I would wear the same sleep shirt and sweats for days on end. comb your hair who cares. I just couldn't muster up enough care to do anything. Messy house messy life. and believe me it's pretty freaking messy right now. 

So me taking the time to actually put makeup on is a good thing. 

Something everyone keeps telling me is that I have to be kind to myself but I wasn't raised to be kind to yourself what the hell is wrong with you if your not bleeding to death suck it up. 

I think through all of this that is what I am struggling the most with is that, WEAKNESS or the appearance of weakness. Get your shit together I can hear my grandpa I can hear myself muffled but I can hear it.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Ok but how..... right now I am struggling with where to start, baby steps..... but who has time for that. But I also know I have to get myself back to where I use to be. and I don't have time for baby steps. 

My favorite thing to tell myself is if they don't feed you house you or pay your bills they don't matter. but right now all I can think is how can  I stop people from staring judging me. At the same time I really shouldn't give two shits. guess you can all see where my mind is at. 

I am caught between I really don't care what you think and oh god don't talk about me. I know I have chosen to put this out there I have chosen to allow you all to see my struggles so I really can't cry about you looking at me when I invited you in. That is the tradeoff. 

So we went to town yesterday and I have never had anxiety ever I never stressed about being anywhere alone or with who ever until yesterday. 

My husband walked down an isle I went down the next I saw someone I knew and I started to panic. No I wasn't afraid it was something else something deeper. I needed a shield a barrier between me and the world. I am still so hurt that he is going to have to be that for me. He also doesn't know how to handle this new me I have never been clingy never unsteady he is having to see me smaller in stature  I want to fade in to the background. 

hopefully that starts to fade, as I find myself again or become who I am suppose to be. 

I know I don't owe anything to anyone I owe this to myself to find my footing. I have given up I was preparing myself to say goodbye long before this. Not that I wanted to take my own life but that the universe or the cancer gods or who ever was going to get sick of me and finally say game over.

I did have moments of hope this summer at our annual big camp with Motokii's  I felt their prayers it was a special feeling I can't make anyone understand but I felt better. Until I realized that person was watching me they came to our camp and what stared at me. Judged me who knows but now that special feeling I had has been replaced by insecurity. They did that and I want to reclaim my power my life. 

But I have always said I have lived my life ensured I raised good kids, did what was right even when I didn't agree with it. I am a good person or at least have a good heart. My one fatal flaw is that I am too loyal I will totally cut someone off from me if you wrong someone I love. so now how do I cut myself off from me. I hurt the person most important to me ME.

Each day I am getting better. I was touch and go about going to Las Vegas in a few weeks but I feel like I have to go. I have to prove to myself that I am ok, that I can handle the stares and whispers but more importantly  I can still be me. 

I think tomorrow I am going address the ethical questions I keep asking myself. but for right now I am reclaiming me for me.

acceptance

Today is a hard day to write, I can't lie. What more can I share and still keep some for myself. When does this become entertainment for the masses apposed to what is meant to be healing for me. I was warned about this I would start to second guess what I share it would prevent me from actually getting close to what is really at the heart of my lowest lows. so through gritted teeth I am going to power through todays chapter in my story.......

Today I need to address the real problem ..... I know as a child I would hear this saying I want to pin it on good ol' Pops but it could have just as easily been one of the cousins or even my Grandma.

You are smartest dumbass kid alive. 

Yeah it's me I'm the problem it's me.

I never should have trusted that much in other people. I should have double checked all the things my social media friends, people who lurked too long asked personal questions people..... why was I so trusting.

Those of us who are native women, or just natives in general, we know ..... whispers, gazes if a room goes quiet the moment you walk in.

Jealousy..... longing for something you have and they don't

Don't ACT better then me because.... 

We misdirect and finger point to take the heat off ourselves and put it on who ever is the subject of the gossip that is currently going around. Now don't pretend you don't do it because we are all guilty......

So for the next little while I guess......

It's me I'm the problem ME.

Oh how far they fall, acting like a perfect family, wow those are some skeletons in your closet. She got knocked off her high horse. 

I don't think I was ever on a high horse, I have always been too honest about most things, MOST Things how ever I did keep secrets from the world for personal reasons. For my own sanity but most importantly I just didn't want anyone of you to have the ammo to shoot holes through my life. This didn't start with my marriage and children this has been my entire life.

Now I know some of you are waiting thinking oh she's going to make some huge revelation some TEA as the kids say to store away for a time that I am riding high in the saddle and I need to be knocked back down to earth. No some secrets will be kept from you things I won't speak of publicly but those are also things that I have to unpack alone with a box of kleenex and a therapist in a room alone. This public story is just that and the real healing is going to be for me.

Anyway ....... like or not this is whatever this is for me to regain my life my story not some BS cooked up story with a million holes. 

It has always been hard for me to go out in public, I always felt that people could see the real me through whatever I was wearing, driving, how well spoken you are that shit doesn't matter in my own insecurity I have convinced myself that people can see that I am not perfect. 

I was never not honest with my husband he knows all my baggage, ALL of it (this is were you would insert a hand on face emoji) so although I put armor on in public I have always been honest with him, and my children but I have always skated around it with anyone else. 

He has always known some of my insecurities. One of my biggest fears has always been that my life would mirror my mothers........

again Liz again with her......

YEAH because it wasn't a good part of her life and I can see the parallels, In the last years of her life she was not able to work full time, she became less of her legacy and more of a shell of herself. This woman who fought for her people her entire life was reduced to a shell of that person, living so far from home that she was alone yet she stayed for her children. 

In those last years I although I was right along side her I couldn't save her from this. Watching her reduced to this is one of my biggest fears. 

I couldn't let the life I built be torn down with my fears, yet here we are, I let my fear become a reality, and I didn't see it coming.

However this person gathered the weapons needed to wound me almost fatally they knew, if they kicked one leg out of my foundation I would topple that isn't ok. 

But the more important thing is I can rebuild for the simple fact I have been doing it for so long that it isn't anything new.

Now for the truth bomb, for the last two years our entire family has been swinging wildly trying to figure out how to navigate a world where we didn't make a move without my father in law. My husband and Son were learning a whole new world where he wasn't there and although it was hard on the women of our family the men are struggling more. Again, this isn't their story it's mine and I am only addressing what I had control of. So this is my part of this no one else.

I have been working so hard to make it easier for them, holding down the fort figuring out what was next for this family. As a child we went without a lot. So as long as there is a roof over our head, food in the fridge, and gas in the car we are good. But a full time job, I physically I couldn't do it with my treatments, along with my injury and long term shit. 

So where is this rambling going Liz? what point are you trying to get to.....

For every year Him and I are together there have been those who revel in our falls. And there has been some pretty bad stumbles. But we had each other to lean on and we had that support from his dad. Nothing was ever that bad because like me his dad worked hard to make sure the entire family was ok he would stay up late each night making moves fixing issues and putting out fires. 

 So start of this wasn't because of one thing, I have been trying to keep everyone around me ok I forgot about me. there are 24 useable hours in each day but I still didn't have enough in the tank to use any of that time on myself.

I was burning the candle at both ends, and forgetting to take care of Liz. that is not an excuse I can't make excuses I made the choice to focus on the big things, and lil ol me well she just wasn't big enough to give a second thought to.

So here I was focusing on fixing what I could I couldn't see the evil right on our doorstep, Wait that is a bit of an oversell,  I don't want to generalize this Evil is a big ticket word. But sinister maybe that was a better term. This wasn't evil I had seen evil first hand. 

No this wasn't pure evil it was someone else who had their own sense of desperation, their own ideas of what I had.

HAVE this is my life they can have their own..... do whatever you need to do if it was that easy to destroy me I would have been long gone years ago.

I left the house yesterday and even if when people saw me they whispered or snickered I didn't fall from the outside I am ok. 

I have chosen to do this publicly and I think because of that so much of the whispers don't carry as much weight. I feel parts of the old Liz peaking through. I am so mad at myself for being weak, but I also have to face that I was weak because I tried to be strong for too too long. sadly a lot of these are going to be rambling testing myself on what is ok to share, what isn't because truthfully I brought my self to this point and only I can bring myself through it.

my lesson for today is easy enough accept responsibility some answers don't have answers, and you can fall to your lowest point and still get back up and keep on going. Only you have that power, no one should ever be able to take you down. You have met some horrible beings in this world, gone through so much before your fall that it can be forgiven. 

But first you have to accept that no matter the words used actions taken you can only lose what you put out there. People are going to judge and talk no matter what. 

So I am working on acceptance, and forgiveness I have to forgive myself. I have to know deep down what I have done in my life and it was to build something better then I had. I contemplated maybe deleting all my social media, but I have never ran away from anything,  So still I stand. battered and a little more leery of everyone but I am still here. I might be able to share more of me tomorrow or not but this is my healing journey and I am writing the story and I will choose what I bring to light.

Just keep Swimming

So here we are day 4 after....... so so many burning questions. I mean I have them too so how can I even be ok.

I know the burning question everyone has it's the question I have had from the moment I woke up, in this new world this after..... 

For longer then I have been an adult it has been him and I. That statement is crazy how do I navigate anything in this world without first checking with him? I don't have an answer..... not for that question. I got way to comfortable I guess, I got complacent in my life.

Now I need to make one thing clear to me.... then by proxy to you all as well, there wasn't a moment HE SAID anything. He wasn't done, He didn't leave, somehow he didn't really factor into this. What I did was selfish, one sided, and like I have said so many times, it was just the last straw I didn't have anymore in the tank to fight this battle, prove my side and keep my life. 

Me the person who never backed down in a fight, me the person who always was the know it all. I was just done. But how did I get to this point the point that I couldn't muster another argument, the point where there wasn't a way.

How how how..... I think the better question is why.

My entire life I have been putting out fires, more times then not they were not my fires they were whatever was happening around me. I was 5 years old and trying to parent my parent. That is not an exaggeration in our life I was always more levelheaded then my mother. She knew it and she knew she could always turn to me for help if she needed it. 

Was it a personality type or was it a deep need to be needed? Maybe it is a mixture of both. I will walk through the pits of hell to help someone who means anything to me, late nights of making things perfect, make sure they understand that it's no problem, I can fix that I can do that. One of my favorite things to say is if you want it done right do it yourself.

I am a control freak, I can't just let things play out I have to help it along. I can't stand to see disappointment,  I have worked to ensure that my kids my husband do not ever have to deal with hurt, deal with it not working out. Let me fix it, let me see what I can do. 

Since I was a teenager I have worked on my relationships I have always worked hard to make sure everything is ok..... OK what a term, what does that even mean.... no let's not get sidetracked I am trying to understand and to understand I must be honest about who I am.

I don't want to unpack my relationship with my mom, I think that will take more time, more reflection and a lot of hurt..... the way others viewed her and the way I did never seemed to line up when she was alive. She was this ray of light to so many other people they looked to her, she had the answers, but to me she wasn't that she always seemed to flighty too free spirited. I was always so angry when it came to her. And in the end I didn't look at her lovingly I was angry at her for becoming what she had always warned me never to become. DEPENDANT on others. She knew it and apologized for being weak. I asked her in one of our last conversations I asked her why she had LET herself get here. She told me one day you will understand one day it will become clear. But her story is not this maybe someday I will tackle who she was but first I have to untangle who I am and why I let myself get to this point. 

I haven't looked in a mirror in 5 days avoided it actually afraid of what I would see in my own reflection. would it still be me or changed somehow?  Looked this morning nope from the outside it's still me. What a letdown. This huge event just happened and I do not look any different. figures, the most painful scars a person can have are on the inside. 

Him and I there is no him without I and vise versa. He has always been the one constant for all of my adulthood, did we fight and argue yes, was there some very toxic very horrible things in our past yes, but that goes with anyone. There are not fairytales.

Some might try to romanticized our life together awe you met when you were 14 and your still together. there was a lot in-between all of that. So much just like any other relationship. But forgiveness was one thing I always made sure I had. Let's not sugarcoat this our first years together were rocky. But somehow we always found our way back like a warm blanket. 

As I unpack this last straw and what and why it got to me I am starting to realize it was never about him leaving me because he isn't ever going to leave me I am sure of that he does love me, or need me or I am his comfortable blanket. Whatever it is toxic or not I was not sure of but we are a we. He said something on the long drive home on Tuesday morning.

I can't go on if your not here I had come to terms with that, if you leave me alone I'm not going to be ok.

This statement, and my need to make sure everyone is ok all the time really fucked with my already muddled mind.

But I didn't do this to him I did this to me...... was this a cry for help...... I don't think so. or maybe it was shit I really don't know. What I do know is I am tired. Tired of fighting every fight. 

This statement is going to cause more questions then give answers......

I did not want to die. I just couldn't see a fix anymore. My core being was rocked. I started to question every second every word everything. And all I saw was blackness. Never in my entire life had I ever been that low. I always found a way. ALWAYS until this moment. 

Now five days out I am realizing the fear I had was of being a failure. I failed as a wife as a mother, no that is not true. My fear was that I would be perceived as a failure. The image of failing was scary. But it was an illusion it wasn't real. We have a good life. Not perfect but letting someone else dissect and destroy it for their own personal reasons. I am not going to speak on this or even the call anymore they do not deserve any more time or space in my head.

I am choosing to believe in my life. what I worked so hard to build everything isn't a lie the more I take apart whatever was said the more I understand that isn't even possible. 

So then how did they know so much I guess that is a question they will have to answer why are you watching someone else's life studying it so that you can what? what did they want? and why no I do not need those answers. I just need to know what I am doing with my life.

So this many days out I have realized I am not going anywhere. I have things to rebuild better stronger, but I am given that chance. They are faceless, I could not pick them out of a crowd, truthfully I don't care to. 

there are things I do need to fix, on the top of this list is me. somewhere in the last 33 years I have become someone I do not like I have to find me again. independent of anyone else. So does this mean I am in the selfish phase of my life maybe. Not angry not bitter. I just need to find some sense of joy. Not gratification. I don't need to find joy by giving all of myself to others I need to find joy in me in what I like and what I want. so I guess the next few days I will look at that. 

What do I like.... well I like this I like writing. strange but I do. I like seeing smiles, I like trying new things, but I also like my own little bubble. And while doing this little experiment sharing of myself I have invited you all in and I know I can't trust you all but the time for masks and protection is gone. The world deserves to know the real me not some image that others put out about me. Not the story others have told of me. I am in there wanting out and now to find a way.

I woke up for the first time in years hopeful. Hopeful for what is next. I can't make people stay with me on this journey if it becomes to uncomfortable for them I understand. I have raised my family I am in the next chapter and it is up to each one of those in my life to join in or walk away. My choices not everyone will agree with and I am ok with that. I have to do what is best for me. I do need people in my corner but I am not going to beg for it. I will be ok eventually and that has to be enough for me.

As for him the question you all have. well I can't just throw away an entire life. Like I said relationships are give and take. Because we are a we, we will figure it out. I am not believing in him I am believing in me, and what I built he is just part of it. I am not a weak person, I am not stupid, and I know exactly what I am doing. I have to give it a chance. What I did taking every other person out of it was unfair, to every person I care for. I know that and that is the real struggle I am having. But as for what I am going to do I am going to rebuild from the rubble with those who matter to me. that is all I can do. 

I tell my kids all the time you have to keep moving keep swimming or you will sink. I was treading water and I started to sink. Now it is time to swim. 

From the beginning so it shall be

 Once upon a time........

I have always been a night owl sleep although I do love it has always alluded me, some nights I can't shut my mind off and tonight is no different.

Tonight my thoughts have gone way back all the way to the 8th grade to be exact. That is the time when I first met my husband. Such a long long time ago......

But it was also a time when I had my own point of view, I was already becoming who I am today I just didn't know it then.

I did have a very small group of core friends but I also was friends with people outside that group of girls. I want to be very very clear, I had moments of kindness but I was not the nicest person in the room, I knew 3 things, I knew I was cute, I knew I was original and I knew at all costs I had to pretend.

Sometimes when I think back I think gosh was I a phony person, I molded who I was depending on what group of people I was hanging with at that moment. My core group of buddies I just didn't measure up to them, but I had one thing going for me I was new. But then again at that very time we all were, there was a mass exodus to enroll your children in school on the reservation so we were all finding our way together. Although my mom was one of the administrators of the division I wasn't like all the other kids, but god knows I couldn't let them know.

It's crazy now as an adult looking back what is they say hindsight is 20/20 that is true for sure. There are people who still look at me with a fear in their eyes and I vaguely remember them or how mean I was to them. Then it comes back to me, and then I wince inside I could have been better but I could never risk the truth coming out so I went along with the crowd. That is still the case right now I still try to be kind when I can but the mean person I was as a teenager comes out more often then not.

My mother in all her wisdom she taught me so much but the lesson I learned from childhood was you don't have to be right Lizzie you just have to make your point and stick to it. She would tell me that there are always shades of grey always, right and wrong live right inside of there. I have lived my entire life that way. You don't have to be right you just have to win the arguments. Don't take a stand unless you can defend it. So I always looked for all the possible outs before I spoke. 

They are going to say or do this or that be ready have a rebuttal be ready win the fight. You know there is a grey area and we will end up in that space. That is until this..... this thing I didn't look for the answers before, I didn't see the grey area in it I only saw Black and White. And that my friends was my fatal flaw. 

I still have so many of my friends from my youth and I am still friendly with so many more. I am grateful for my time with each of them they also helped shape me and I know this. Shit I still have the same Red Haired boy hanging around even after all of this, or is it that I am still hanging around him? I guess it's one of those grey areas.

He told me when we were 15 that he was going to marry me and I held him to it, it just took us a while to get there. My mind is murky but I do know that for sure. That did happen, that was black and white. How and why well those areas are grey. 

18 years old is pretty young looking back shit I thought I knew so much, I didn't look for all the possible outs I didn't think twice. I made choices and like always I defended them. I still defend them I made those choices and I regret nothing.

I made a choice and I have lived by that choice to this day, marriage is forever...... no outside kids no quitting on each other through it all, All the bad ..... we will get to that. And all the good..... that is the part you all know and can see on all my social media pages. Did I make the right choice why in the HELL and I questioning this now? My life happened it did. I am here I am breathing. I made it through the fire and am still standing chard and burnt but I am still here. I regret nothing..... well except for one thing. That thing the INCIDENT.

I was never insecure in my identity ever. Embarrassed at times maybe but never insecure. My relationship was filled with so many peaks and valleys so so many, when people tell you a marriage takes work they aren't fucking kidding. I tell my children now, in order to make a relationship work any relationship you have to be willing to give some of you up to become a "WE" meeting in the middle sometimes you give more take less and vice versa. Forgiveness is huge, you have to forgive a hell of a lot in order for it work. So don't do it until you are ready to give of yourself freely because if it's not a team it won't work.

Are we in this together? Am I not seeing what I should? I have never doubted for one second until now. We worked so hard to get here, I WORKED SO FUCKING HARD TO GET HERE. I gave up so much to be Liz Fox. I did, and never regret any choice I made but is Liz Fox still there or is it just another example of my mind and my heart only seeing black and white and not the grey area in the middle.

I don't talk of this often but when I found out I was pregnant I had a conversation with my mother, she was pissed to put it mildly. "God Damn it Lizzie. What about school? you were already accepted."  I sat and thought about it, before I could get the words out she said " You can do it alone, it's possible." She had wrote my husband out of the equation before I even told him. Black and White her grey was I was going to be a single parent. " No mom let me think, let me talk to him." 

"if you go to him you stay with him Liz." She didn't want me to not go to school she wanted more for me then she had I see that now but her way of doing it wasn't all that productive.

So one late night outside his ranch I told him...... then blurted out I can do this alone I am just telling you that's all you don't have to do nothing. I'll be gone after summer is over. 

He looked out the window for a bit then turned and said I told you I was going to marry you so Just stay. 

Just stay...... 

He said the same thing when I sent for him on Monday night when the doctors told me my heart was starting to fail. 

He came in the room sat in silence for a bit, looked at me with fear and said you don't have to leave me Just stay here Just stay.

All of this happened. It wasn't an illusion this is my life no matter what they said. Right? This is my truth my world......

I don't know I still don't know. But thinking back is helping me to find my footing. 

I know that I was never perfect my marriage my life everything had flaws. But I am ok with that, I picked my position in that grey area and I am defending it.

As Maya Angelou said so famously:

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better DO BETTER."

and that is all I can do, I know better now so I shall try to do better.

Trust

 So this is day 3..... so anti climatic wouldn't you say counting down the days after. I promised myself that I would address my thoughts daily and that is almost scarier then any other thing I have ever done in my life. 

So what do I feel the need to get off my chest today? Nothing I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I want to disappear pretend that it was one week ago maybe if I went back in time then maybe a lot of this shit would never have happened. I was ok, no one is perfect but I was ok with my life.

So maybe today I think in grand terms of life and love and all that contains in our little worlds. I have the privilege and curse of being the first daughter, oldest child in an Indian home every Indian woman knows that means you are a second mother babysitter, auntie, caregiver for your parents, everything. Then you decide you want to be a wife...... oh now you take on a whole other person whom sadly you have to continue to raise while you are trying to raise babies. No I do not regret one moment or choice I have made, before this thing I did this stupid fleeting thought I had. 

Native women are the strongest people I know, but we also have so many balls in the air all the time. I was giving a talk one time about how we are expected to be all these thing all the time and a non native person asked me how do I think we as a people deal with the trauma ..... that knocked me back on my heels for a second. We all know we have the trauma yes. But we don't address it we just move forward dealing with it by laughing, cooking throwing ourselves into our families promising silently I am going to be a better parent wife sister excreta. 

What I did was a sign of weakness in most peoples eyes, Shit it's weakness in my eyes. 

My eyes..... who did I see when I look at myself? Somewhere over time I was the mom who did all the cool things with her kids, but also the parent that was the scariest one, Ha ha I chuckle when I think of that because it was always a mask. The worry I have constantly about the dangers in the world, wanting to protect my cubs because I know what I have lived through so that they would never have to. If I wasn't the mom I was the wife, the Rodeo Wife, the one who was the glue dealing with all the things making sure everything was always ok. 

That title Wife..... it's almost a weapon in itself. we can wield it when we needed to it is a powerplay every rodeo wife knows what I mean. But that also is a mask of insecurity of doubt. Hey wait why is she looking at me like that who is that ..... never mind we are a happy home we all have struggles but we are a unit.

I keep thinking back over my 33 years as a wife and mother, in the beginning it was hard. I can't lie about that. But it got easier, we had happy we had unity we had each other the 4 of us. My in-laws became my family we did everything together so I slowly moved away from my own family to just being part of theirs. After my mom died I realized two things, every family member I had was no longer here beside me in this country, and that I was becoming more dependent on my In-laws. There is nothing wrong with that in a perfect world except we don't live in a perfect world now do we.

as I laid in the hospital, I had this feeling it was the same exact feeling I had as I swallowed those pills. 

Yes I have people who love me. Yes there are so many people here that care, but I am alone. My first thought was my mom......

I know I said I wouldn't speak on other peoples trauma but I am sure she wouldn't mind.

My mother she was someone who was so smart, on so many levels. We didn't come from money in fact we worked hard each day to be a better person make your way. She was what some would classify a radical Indian you know the arm in the air AIM warriors that was her. Always learning. Always Lizzie.

She did so much before she had kids, and after, but her last years she was isolated and alone. She would come visit and say when it was her time she would want to go home to her family. She knew even though there were people here who cared for her, her family wasn't here. I made that happen for her, and sadly now I know what she meant. 

Anyway I always think of that saying alone in a crowded room. Yeah I get it. I've gotten pretty good at knowing everyone but still being totally alone. Who can you really trust with your secrets? Who really knows you? 

TRUST....

God knows I can't trust myself I was duped either an entire lifetime or for 15 minutes either way I couldn't trust myself, can I trust me now? Are my eyes clear can I see what is in front of me or is not real. 

They knew too much ..... I felt violated..... I still feel that way. Who's watching me to see me slip to take advantage if I let my guard down. And why? 

3 days "After" and I am still unsure of everything in my life. Is this my life was I just a placeholder. 

I know words are just that words.... but hey those words had so much venom on them so much distain for me for what I had built. They knew too much. How dare they know so much. HOW DARE THEY.

Well I haven't cried in about 2 hours so that is progress right......

I am trying to get to the point where I can trust myself first because I can't trust my surroundings I am starting over. The old Liz would have just sat down and figured out a way to destroy any negative arrows thrown my way, BUT THEY KNEW TOO MUCH. 

Anger is fleeting its fear I feel. That is something new for me I have never feared things in my life I wasn't even scared through all the cancer I just handled it. But this has me shaken. Who am I? 

I spent the day trying to reflect on things. watching 90's Romcoms reciting my favorite lines.

"He's just a man on a horse baby girl"

"Laughter through tears is the best Medicine."

"Once upon a time baby girl your momma knew what it meant to shine."

has anything become any clearer in my muddled mind? No not really, I still have the same doubts same shaky hands. Someone knocked on the door and I went and hid. 

My goal for tomorrow trust yourself a little more. You can do this. Maybe..... No you can you are the first born daughter you have fought many battles and learned so many lessons tomorrow you will see, everything you have faced so far has been fuel to fight this battle..... Come on Liz snap the fuck out of this.

Maybe tomorrow I will be that warrior I was raised to be maybe. Either way I will be back here spilling my guts. and If they are watching you didn't end me you just broke me and I will be back better then ever.

We are all damaged some of us just wear it better

In the day and age in the age of Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat, all of trying to learn the new Tic Tok dances and post the perfect Instagram picture somehow we have convinced ourselves that our lives are needing to be perfect. We can't have these blemishes we can't have flaws. Your life must appear to be perfect. We have become accustom to only show the shiny parts of ourselves. This fact is a horrible side affect of the Social media age, a time when the pressure to be perfect is so great that an entire generation of humans are struggling with feelings of inadequacies and the rise of mental illness is on the rise. Or maybe it is just more apparent because we all share so much. Who really knows and all the studies are not really that clear.

Although I grew up in a generation before the internet was really a thing yup I am one of those Gen X'ers one of the chosen few who came of age in both before and after. As such we are stronger then most. In our day if someone had something to say they said it to your face. That approach saved a hell of a lot of heartache and misunderstanding. But in a sense we have all adapted to this media age where we have to share everything with everyone. I know none of you care what I had for dinner yet I will and am sharing that shit with you. We all scroll aimlessly on whatever app our phone has open and are force fed images and stories of who's wearing what and who is cool and god forbid who isn't.  We find solace in numbers, adding as many people as we can our friends list is like a badge of honor we all wear. the little thumbs up sign or heart at the bottom of a post gives us endorphins and is fueling our self-worth. None of this however really shows the struggles all of face on a daily basis. None of this covers up the things that are happening in the moments leading up to or after that post has been uploaded. 

This all brings me to my first Blog post I have been trying to decide how to start a blog for quite a while with the same inflated self-worth as everyone else I foolishly believe you all want to read this. knowing deep down no you really don't want or need to. I too am guilty of only showing the shiny parts the perfection that I think is my life. Never letting the real me show through entirely until now. Last night as I lay at the hospital after doing the most selfish thing I could ever attempt and the nurse and doctor from the Psych ward came to talk to me, I told them what had let me to this point and how I wasn't having a breakdown, I knew better and I would never attempt this again. How I have always been the levelheaded one weighing my options always being so confident in my way. Did I always make the right choice no but did I own every choice I have ever made DAMN RIGHT I do. That ownership included this and every person my actions hurt along the way. I told them trough tears what had brought me and that bottle of pills to this point. How there was no other action I could have taken in that moment.  I was under a pile of rubble of pieces I was trying so hard to keep together and it took one person and her tales her hateful words to break me totally. 

In my eyes my world everything I knew for 33 years was a lie. I looked around my house and wondered about every choice I had made, every word spoken every thought every feeling was it all a lie how?  How did I the person who weighed every option get to this point how was I the fool How How How.

I don't need to go into the story that was spun or if I even believe it now, but at that moment there was no more Liz Fox. She didn't exist according to this person. They were the rightful owner to my life. They knew the real me and it was a fraud. And I believed them. I doubted everything I didn't trust in the things I had worked so hard to make happen. 15 minutes that is all it took to crush me and they knew it.

I am not big on regret ever I have always lived my life with you made the choice you make the most of that choice. BUT somehow all the choices I have made didn't have a foundation anymore. All the happy photographs in my mind they were now cloudy did any of it matter?  For the first time in my life I did the selfish thing, I didn't think of my children I didn't think of any of my loved ones, my life my my my that was the only thoughts I had. I wasn't scared I didn't pause I just acted. 

Flashes of EMTS my dogs being upset they were trying to reverse this. Just let me go it was all a lie all of it. every inner insecurity I have ever had flooded to surface of my mind in that time. No one likes you no one ever did. you are nothing you came from nothing you have nothing. your a fraud and it had been found out. Nothing was ever going to be the same. You all know now. I am not perfect. I am not the smartest person in the room. And my life is a lie. 

A lie A lie A lie.

As I was starting to wake more realizing what I had done all the people I just hurt with my actions. Did I do this for attention did I want to be found. No, No I didn't I didn't see a way out. For the first time in my life I couldn't do as my grandfather had taught me, I wasn't the smartest person in the room  I was the fool who believed. Now what? How do I fix this how do I go on. Believe me I had plenty of time alone hearing nothing but a heart monitor and my thoughts along with the tick tick tick of the clock.

Seeing the hurt in my kids eyes was the hardest thing to face. I didn't factor them or my new grandbaby into my selfish choice. I had always been the one with the answers. I had always been the compass for them now I am swinging wildly out of control. I did not want to face that disappointment. That guilt I will carry with me for the rest of my days. What about my husband .... then it was what about him. I needed to talk to him. But did I for myself or did I just want more hurt and I needed to have him do the hurting? 

Answers I needed answers and he had them. Or did he? Is he just the comfort blanket that would make me feel more in control. Who knows.

He didn't come. He wasn't allowed. Everyone blamed him. I BLAMED HIM. FUCK HIM..... 

No I can't have anger anymore that part died. So did my self confidence and assurance of who I am. This is a new world. One where the consequences of my selfish actions has to be at the forefront of every conversation I have at least for the time being. 

The physical damage I did was there for all time. Inner scars I will have to wear a constant reminder of my own moment of weakness. The emotional hurt I put on every person who loves me. for what a moment of weakness. my own I have to own this. 

I own this and I am reclaiming my power this is my life and only I get to write each page not that person who with 15 minutes and a story tried to destroy it all. Maybe their story is real maybe only parts of it are. But who I was before that call and after are totally different.

This is the new me. the one who has a few more war wounds, a crazy story, and is starting over without the shiny side that we show the world. I am tarnished I am not perfect. I have fallen as low as any person can fall. BUT I am here. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but I am in it and for that I am thankful. 

Am I afraid of what people will think maybe but the need to have my truth out there is important. I need to know that it was for something my selfishness wasn't just for vanity wasn't just for attention. I am not nothing I do mean something and maybe just maybe I can help someone. Or I just really want the clicks and thumbs up. Either way this is my truth, My messy truth, The one that needs to breath air so that me and my family can heal. 

If you want to gossip I say get it from the horses mouth. Well I am that horse and here it is from my mouth and no my story isn't over. There will be other stories to dwell on soon enough but for now you can chew on mine.

The Therapist suggested I write down what I thought to clear my mind. To help make sense of it all because I can't let the words dictate this new chapter. I can't let it rule who I am. And in this media age you all get to take this journey with me. The good the bad and all the in-between. 

I am sorry for the pain I have caused all those I love but I truly think I needed this to wake up to find my footing and to be a better parent, grandparent and human. 

If there is a tomorrow make the best of it because more then ever not everyone is guaranteed.