We all shy away from the difficult conversations no matter what they are. We would rather live with the discomfort of the thing eating us up from the inside rather then face the thing whatever it is and deal with it.
All families fight. But those that are true to themselves learn how to forgive, move forward and keep loving one another. At least in my world. I have had knock down drag out fights with cousins. Fists and angry words. But you know what I would give my life for any member of my family at any time. The kicker is I know within my family it would be the exact same for me.
All families fight, again words of wisdom from my mother. " All families fight Lizzie, you aren't normal if you don't fight. We say what we need to say, cuss if you have to swing if it comes to that. Then it's done we move on as a family."
I kind of lost sight of that. You can say the horrible things to your family, the dark things that weigh you down. they are there to lift you up. Make you laugh and then we move forward, together. I didn't count on my family instead I tried to protect them from even me.
It backfired they were there when I woke up the ones who mattered most my children. Phone calls from my extended family, for days and now weeks to remind me of who I am who we are and that I am never alone.
I am stronger because of my family who raised me and who I raised. It doesn't matter if 1000 people want to rain on my parade I am proud of the muck and shit I walked through to get to this point in my life.
I remember the only time in my entire life I went to jail........
I had just barely turned 17 thought I was grown.... you all know. We had snuck out the night before I was with my younger cousin, she was a little more free spirited then I was and I went home to my aunts house. She didn't, I heard my aunt say how much shit she was in so I called a friend of my big little brother to give me a ride. I found her.
At a fucking house party in the middle of the day...... so was it was in Browning..... the friend came in with me looked around and promptly left my ass there. I would have done the same damn thing. I found her hanging with a bunch of kids in a room just as I found her the cops came. Now I am from Canada now and I didn't know the golden rule..... RUN.
Needless to say I wound up in the back of a cop car, trying unsuccessfully to talk my way out of the handcuffs they had me in. I was going to jail ..... oh shit my mom is going to kill my ass. I guess I wont be visiting in Browning for a while.
We got into the Jail we didn't go into a cell we were in a holding room, me and the cousin. Her mom came in and began to let's just say give her some punishment. The cops finally ask auntie what you want to do with them .... "leave their asses in here."
The little cousin she got released to another cousin who she was staying with..... My mom was in Canada, so I was SOL I spent the night in jail trying to save the cousin and she was sleeping in a warm bed. I was so mad but also so relieved she was ok.
Moral of the story sometimes we go through the worst shit to protect those we love and we get the shit end of the stick, BUT your family they will do the same for you. Everyone was so apologetic after this and I wasn't even mad. I had a cool jail story didn't get my ass beat by mom and it all worked out so in the end it was ok.
Why share that story to show how you have to let your guard down to save those who need it she didn't know she needed me to save her at the time years later she told me that the kids she was hanging with were messing with drugs. Maybe I saved her for a bit, either way you have to defend those who you love and I have always done that.
Now those who find constant fault or blame you for their actions those are the kind of people you have to cut loose. I have had to in the last two weeks look deep into my life those around me and cut the ones who wouldn't walk half way to help me when I would cross mountains for them. This is the hardest thing I think but I remind myself these people in my life they also have my number can contact me on social media. But those that actively avoid me, or worse talk about things without even reaching out well those people don't really care and I have to basically put the same energy in as I am given.
Seeing people who you think highly of fall from grace is pretty hard. I was that person for a lot of people my people so trying to prove that it was moment of weakness in 48 years and not at all who I was or who I will be going forward. I have to remember this as those who want to gossip about it or try to hold one incident against me. These people will find fault in anything I do. We do not need these people and somehow the trash always removes themselves.
I have had a day of tears, but also of conversations that were not easy. Facing what happened the real reasons and trying to rebuild the trust and understanding is a day by day thing but the first step is always facing the hard things, and a big beef and cheder always helps.
Tomorrow is a new day can't promise it will be any easier to face anything but as long as you put in the work with those that matter they will be there to support you. The rest can kick several rocks.
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