When you are reading the history books there usually at the end of a chapter there are some after thoughts. There are some things that may have affected the history you are reading about but in the overall story they really didn't matter enough to add to the overall text.
Things with an asterisk are usually in very small print usually they are not easily found and when they are found you realize that they really didn't change the story only added on little bit to it so inconsequential that the author felt it wasn't important enough to include it.
As most of you know by now I started this blog because of an asterisk. I am not calling this person that, in fact that is what their blocked number was saved as in his phone. No name no number..... just that *.
At first this really bothered me as why oh why would you not at least give them a name.... a fake name, a persona something, after all they said, all they believed in their pretend relationship. I have never questioned him on who's numbers are saved, I never check messages, I had trust. HAD.....
So I bit the preverbal bullet. Asked him, after the winter we have had I can't have either of us dying and not knowing the real truth. Why save this oh so special persons name at least shit name her Max the hoot or some shit. Save the number as Joe or Jim or Bitch shit I don't know, but it is one of the many many things that bother me still.
His answer was so simple maybe he is lying maybe it's so simple that it makes sense after 3 months I still can't figure out which is true.
I didn't save her number I blocked her number because I though she was being friendly first, talking about my dad, talking about my family on TV then she got weird. Plus she's married, she reached out to me and I just didn't want all that trouble.
Now that part about her being married, living with someone that part is totally true, in fact her husband is suppose to be a part of our peoples holiest of people. She is suppose to be a respected part of our community. SUPPOSE TO BE.
To me the act of texting talking is just as bad if not worse then actually sleeping with someone, you let this person in had conversations, that is way worse. I don't know if I am being silly I don't even care that they talked, it's that she thought because of these conversations that she was his soul mate. Can I get over that I do not know. Did her spouse know, what would he feel. I had a fleeting thought can I handle the smoke the fight and all I thought was fuck that bring it that is how I get over shit, get mad beat it up and move on. This humble quiet person this isn't me.
I told her I would expose her for the snake she really is. She claimed I was harassing her, she called me but I was bothering her. So from my hospital bed I told the police the truth after she contacted them to claim I was harassing and basically stalking her. And felt I needed to not carry it on another family didn't deserve to be destroyed. That on top of my mother in Law and every other woman telling me men slip if you truly love each other you will work through it.
I don't disagree men all men I don't care who raised them are huge children. Every wife and girlfriend shit every sister knows this as a fact. But a woman who seeks out a man, while in a relationship, literally stalks his family and then tries to get rid of the wife, what is her excuse. I have never blamed others alone for all of his problems.
I am very logical usually. I don't ever let emotions take over. My mom use to tell me I had the most active imagination because I would (and still do) play every scenario out in whatever is happening. It's part of the reason I could never be an addict I need to be in control. I don't know why I am like this I just am, that is why I think everyone was so shocked at what I did. I am way to rational way to level headed.
The reason this one bothered me was because it wasn't physical, it was more intimate, it wasn't a physical attraction, He even said she was homely. HOMELY like that should make me feel better it didn't it made me question everything about myself. Did I somehow the prettiest girl in the world lose her edge. Did I the most engaged person in every room be come so boring he needed to seek outside conversation. This is the shit no one talks about the blow to your ego as a person. I know or knew my worth. I had built myself time and time again. But this how do you compete with someone who is so below you intellectually but also in looks in friends in life. the blow to my ego was what got me. The second hand embarrassment for him. Everyone knows I am battling cancer it goes into remission then when I think oh I'm in the clear it pops up in another location. Like whack-a-mole.
If this got out how angry would people be because he was too weak to be there for me. He needed comfort or to be propped up. All while I struggled in silence. Till Death do we part. Maybe I am dying yes I am scared but I wasn't dead yet fucker. and for this I am still so angry. For this I WANT TO NAME names. But I also don't want the embarrassment of people knowing that is who she is. I mean I do not know anything about her, let alone what she looks like. What if she is better looking what if she is smarter what if she was right about everything.
I hate self doubt HATE it. But do both of them deserve the shame..... more importantly do I and her spouse? Hurt people hurt people Liz don't hurt others it won't make you feel better..... I feel like that meme
"YOU SURE BOUT THAT"
There are things I just can't seem to get out of my mind like when we drive through some place I think did you go here with her? Or that one time when you were drinking and you were here for a week were you with her. I can't get rid of the feeling someone is watching me to see if we split up. and I can't promise we are going to but I can't promise we are going to stay together my mind just won't quit. HOWEVER this asterisk she doesn't deserve to win this imaginary battle with me. I am the one with the life she wanted. With the mother in Law husband and children she wanted. She wanted the fame. the whatever. So do I give it to her? and drag myself down in the process.
So my husband the person whom I am the angriest at got sick, like really sick could be dying sick, not once did I ever feel like oh gosh how am I going to deal with him being so sick what about me and my sensitive ego..... Which person from my past can I reach out to and talk to not sext not plan a hook up just talk to.... I couldn't even imagine doing that to him, yet that is exactly what he did.....
Yet here I am at his beck and call, ensuring he stays calm, getting him to his appointments making sure he is comfortable doing all the paperwork so he can continue to be paid you know doing what a spouse does. Does this make me a bigger person? No it makes me a person who actually cares for the person whom I have built my life.
I have had some of their family try to friend request me some of his friends claim they had nothing to do with any of this without prompting only making me realize there is no safe space for me to truly heal.
Speaking with my therapist because how else am I going to get through this I have come to realization I may never get the answers I truly need because I will never know why people do the things they do all I can do is control what I do and how.
My brother once famously said I can't stand having meetings just to have meetings and I feel the same damn way about therapy sometimes I don't need to continue to talk just to talk that is not the generation I grew up in I need to deal with this by getting through it talk is cheap and a waste of time. every question should not be asked unless you are prepared for the answers. that being said I am not ready nor do I think I will ever be truly ready for the disappointment all of this has brought me.
I also have to accept this has changed me in so many ways. I am bitter but I am also to the point where I just don't care anymore about who I hurt or how, I am broken and I truly don't know three months out of the asterisk that tried to change the course of my life almost succeeded if I will truly ever heal from all of this. I do know that she shouldn't matter and me holding back her name isn't protecting her its saving me from something that is nothing more then a footnote.
I joked with the brother maybe my husband getting sick was bad medicine if your native you get the joke, but seriously is this what karma is? It was so hard for him to "DEAL" with my illness and death hanging around that maybe now he has to face it daily. that is horrible to say but hey he said it first to that * thing and then to me in his explanation so I guess it is plausible. Either way listen here you lurking back there waiting to see us fall, sending messages through people
YES he is being cared for YES we are still a WE and if you want him just let me know cause the for better or worse shoe is now on the other foot.
