Once upon a time: that is how most fairytales start. But I am an Indian so that start never fit our lives. We grow up knowing anger and hate. We grow up knowing we are not the same. If we are lucky we grow up knowing some part of who we are what are people are capable of.  There are superheroes in our world, They don't wear capes but have long braids, There superpower is standing out and captivating an entire people.

I was never told about Disney Princesses and their castles, instead our heroes looked like us. My hero was my mom. Corny isn't it. Her storytelling in my youth would make me aware of my surroundings, her way of speaking and taking over a conversation showed me that women have a voice. But she wasn't the only one. I heard of AIM and the movement from a very early age. 

Did you know at Wounded Knee .........

Do you see that man his name is Russel Means he isn't scared and we shouldn't be either.

Lizzie did you know .......

From my earliest years, these stories were those that rang in my ears. Our bedtime stories included war, fighting, and struggle. It also included the truth. We are not equal we were never meant to be. We are not a colonized people never let them tell you that you are. You my girl are still here your words your actions carry meaning. 

I would be a smart ass kid and say things like it doesn't matter to me. Your fight is not my fight I am not an activist. ...... But am I even in my defiance to my mother and her fight I was stating I would beat them from the inside. Maybe it was phycological maybe it was her way of brainwashing me but it stuck all of it, I find myself repeating almost verbatim her thoughts her words. 

She meant so much to so many like everyone had a different version of her for their own use. She was ok with that being the hero the cool aunt and the scholar. She was the activist to some and the educator to others. To me she was just Vines. 

Somehow in my life I never really called her mom, the oddity of it was she was not really like my mom on so many levels she wasn't a mom in that she cuddled me wiped my tears or kissed my hurts. She was however my mom in she taught me to problem solve she taught me to fight for what I felt was right and she taught me to be proud of who I am and where I come from. 

Enough about her and I and back to the story..... shoot where was I going with this anyway? OH Yes thats it, PRIDE

I was writing a paper one time and mistakenly asked a question and every Blackfeet and Blood person knew don't ask Viney a question it turns into a whole ass class in whatever you had the gull not to know.

I asked her what in the actual hell Metis were. I grew up mostly in Montana until we moved here I had never heard of them. I truly didn't understand the concept of what they are. History books will tell you they are Cree and French and that they resided in Manitoba and Quebec. But today they are everywhere. No actual afflation to any tribe or people.  The whole concept confused me and honestly still does. 

So they have no trace to any tribe, they don't have to prove their linage? Nothing just on their word? This was one of those times I needed her lesson on this because no matter how smart I think I am she was always smarter.

She sat me down and said Ok Lizzie this is going to be the short answer to a longer problem. For 500 years we have been forced into boxes given rations children stolen moved away. forbidden language and culture and still we survived. We survive starvation rape and genocide, then we are defined by blood quantum trying to weed us out end our existence. Metis are the last ditch effort to put that final nail in the coffin. 

Now Viney was a true Indian an AIM Indian all for one one for all yet she felt this strongly about Metis why? at 20 I didn't really understand. At 50 I get it. She died before she could see what this world has come to the world she fought so hard to preserve, turned into an entire group of people using a total uno reverse card on those of us who have had to battle for the bare minimum.

Thinking back now she saw this she knew, she understood about what and who they were "locusts" take take take, move on. Now don't get this twisted she instilled in me that if you could prove who you are, prove where you came from then you belonged we don't need the government telling us who we are. Blood quantum is their tool of destruction to cause constant fear and anger within our own people. This conversation is not about those of us who have family who can define who we are, and do belong. One thing about our people no matter what nation you come from there is something in your homeland that calls to you, no matter how long you have been gone from that place you feel at home.

Home. Our connection to this land, our connection to the past, feeling the pains, understanding the struggles. That makes us who we are. This is one fact that is lost to this new generation of Metis, who do not have any connection to anything, they see dollar signs, they see the government funding the ability to claim some of that "free money" their non native parents complained about. Their sense of entitlement because of this very fact is blatant and at its core more racist then any Residential school denier. Every generation has a battle that they need to fight to keep our future generations safe....

THIS IS MY BATTLE 

this is our fight. I often say if not me then who, and those words do not ring truer then in this moment, at this time. 

We have to protect our people our culture and preserve our history, and between the onslaught of pretend Indians and Metis, our people and our generation are facing new battles. I want to say 

Hey Vines you taught me enough I am ready and I will now take this torch.

Decolonation

 Our people like to say since time immemorial our people have been here. Ok so we all have our origin stories no matter the tribe we hear the stories or we should, right we should all have that elder or story teller that gives us our oral history.  The why and how, the who and the what. I have two thoughts to this number one this separates us from our non native counterparts and two this was the first thing that was taken from us.

Ok Ok Liz hold on what are you really trying to say right off the jump you are defining an entire group of people, by two simple factors and also pointing the finger directly at colonization for the deconstruction of our culture.

YES yes I am. 

Let's just use my people the Blackfoot people as an example of what colonization has first taken away but also without prejudice lets look at what has survived although morphed somewhat from the beginning. I am trying very hard to not sound like a professor or to lecture as I know 9 out of 10 people tune out if you try to lecture them on history. Of course I am speaking from experience,  I often use my mother as my point of reference for all things history related. This is no exemption. She spent her whole life studying and untimely protecting our culture and way of life. In my later years meeting my husband and his family I learned another way, traditionally actually practicing the things my mother taught and learned in books. I saw our history come to life saw a way of life and a sense of belonging that I didn't know existed and it felt like I had always lived this way.

Our people the Blackfoot people are now broken up into 4 distinct tribes yet we all have the same language, beliefs in stories locations most importantly we are all intertwined. From the history books it is written that we were too strong and this separation was needed to control and bend us into submission. This was the first strike in a war that continues today. Colonization on it's face no matter if it was done to the Blackfoot people or any people that was "discovered" by Europeans was done in in waves, divide them. make them dependent on the oppressors. yes I said it oppressors if you start a war with another culture and do so in the name of your leader or in most cases in the name of your god you are wanting to oppress those who do not believe or know of your leaders and gods. 

History books are written by the perceived winners. Remember that for later. 

The second wave is to starve the oppressed people. Now the history books do not begin to tell the story of what this actually entailed. From the systematic slaughter of the buffalo our only source of food to taking away our ability to actually hunt by restricting the ability of leaving the pretend boundaries they drew, then delivering food once a month knowing full well this would define us for generations, is both genius and evil. When we were not dying or bending in the ways that they deemed acceptable, the next wave of attack was unleashed. 

long before there were things like mustard gas or other tools of war the governments used viruses like smallpox to "manage" the Indian problem. One extremely cold winter the Blackfeet in the USA were not complying so they were given rotten meat, moldy flour, and the more diabolical item blankets laced with Smallpox.  This story along with so many others is not found in the history books I wonder why.

What is a people if you do not have future generations? The next wave in the attack of our people was introduced. "Kill the Indian save the Child." one of the most famous quotes was introduced. We are all aware now of the horrors of the Residential Schools and no matter what is said out loud this was a tactic of war and control. If you can control the next generation you control people. In these schools their gods were introduced, our language was forbidden, and we were taught that our culture was evil. That our parents and grandparents were Heathens, savages.

Now we can go into today with the Jail system, the foster care system and the revisionist history of our people but this is where I think we should move into how through all of this we prevailed.

Let me say that again we prevailed as Blackfoot people. Now all 4 bands are in different levels of retaining our culture and way of life but we all still have it. of every Native population in North America the Blackfoot people have been able to continue through everything listed above, to keep our annual Summer big camp going, keep our language alive, and never not once has it stopped. History books tell you different but we all know there has never been a time where this didn't happen.

Hello today were are we and how does this discussion affect those today? 

Our brothers to the south of Kainai their language was almost totally lost, to the west in Pikunii they do not have the summer camp and a lot of the culture we have is fading away, to the north the churches have a tighter hold. of the 4 tribes the Kainai have been the stewards of the knowledge and sharing this knowledge with our brothers and sisters around us. 

So what is Decolonization? At it's root it should be undoing the damage that is done to our people through the various waves of attack we have been subjected to easy peasey right?

not exactly in fact our decolonization has to take a a unique look at who we are how that has been morphed into something else and how to untangle what we are from what we have learned.

Some of us need to start at the beginning with language and culture. On the Blackfeet reservation that is where they are at. Thanks to those who are trying to bring the culture back they have immersion schools for the youth, and they have reappropriated several of their items to restart their annual big camp. This of course has been met with misunderstanding and mistrust. Like I stated earlier the dependance on the government and churches has become the real way of life and this is "evil or the Devil". Decolonization is not easy but if done the right way coming north to Kainai and learning and then in return sharing the knowledge is the key and what is being done.

This goes for every leg of the Confederacy. Each tribe has their own struggles and what needs to be done, the good news is there is a band of modern day warriors carrying out what needs to be done, however the colonizers  have planned for this and are relying on the fact that all of this will be met with internal opposition. When the government introduces things like blood quantum to tribes it ensures that we are too busy fighting ourselves to band together to keep our culture and people strong.

So what can we do? Start with the simple things like acknowledge we are one people. second celebrate those who are working to keep the culture alive, and finally identify and address our own short comings as a people so that we can strengthen those things.

For so long Kainai has been the "gold Standard" of the keepers of our culture, however in the current day we are losing things that are needed to keep it strong, language is the main issue, so many my age have not learned the language. secondly we need to be able to understand the difference between common spiritual knowledge and that knowledge that is for ceremony and prayer. Secondly explaining why these things are ok to share, and why we do the things we do, from our leaders. We also need to understand the importance of our "Indian Name" why do we need one who gives it and most importantly why each one of us should have one. From my own research these things are the beginnings of the loss of our culture, now my family is lucky my children and grandchildren have that connection. Many don't we also have a very strong Christian belief group who see what is done as barbaric and battle it every step of the way. Knowledge is power and sharing that knowledge is what is going to keep us going for the next 100 years. This duty now falls on our shoulders as we are the grown folks in the room learning from our elders and teaching our children.

Ask your self if not me then who? 

That is it in a nutshell maybe I should write more like this maybe I shouldn't we will mull that over and let you know. 

I blame my papa

 I blame my grandpa for this vanity....... I often think how dare this person not realize I am the most beautiful person in the world, from birth my grandpa would hold a mirror to my face and say look Lizzie that is the most beautiful person in the world. This vanity I speak of has always given me this armor to face the world because if they only knew I am the most beautiful person in the world my grandpa told me so. I truly believe all the self confidence in the world can come from many places and this is where mine came from and slowly over the past few months I have begun to remember the who and most importantly the why.

My uncle told me the other day Lizzie we don't quit we don't know how, you don't quit on life on people on yourself. 

Honestly I think that was a tad bit hard to hear cause I am at my core a weak woman when it comes to self care. I would so rather focus on the people I love. I would rather make sure every person around me is comfortable content secure. Me I'll be ok those five words again 🤦🏻‍♀️. 

As I sit here after deleting friend requests from those who are here for the downfall of me and reading then blocking messages from people who only pretended to care to hear my story. But more importantly not giving that person my power ever again remembering just who the hell Lizzie is with out her children without him.

I have come to the realization that I have to start to love myself first if that means maybe your feelings get hurt I can't control that aspect anymore. 

The old Liz before children was a I don't give a flying fuck about you or you or most importantly them. One of my favorite cousins told me oh Liz your a bitch but your good at it 

Yes yes I truly am I blame my papa for he told me from birth how special I am it's time and life that has knocked me down a few pegs, HOWEVER I found me at the bottom of this broken pile of heartbreak and resilience and if you thought 16 year old Liz was a mean bitch you ain't seen nothing yet my family gave me that power 49 years ago I dropped it but I picked it back up. 

I don't owe anyone anything anymore either your in my corner or get out of my way, I did my duty raised my children was a good person tried to be humble and quiet but that was then this is now.

Where ever this new year takes me I blame my papa for he told me it was ok.

You hear alot of people saying new year new me nope not this fool who isn't a fool anymore this year the old me is coming back 

* .....

 When you are reading the history books there usually at the end of a chapter there are some after thoughts. There are some things that may have affected the history you are reading about but in the overall story they really didn't matter enough to add to the overall text.

Things with an asterisk are usually in very small print usually they are not easily found and when they are found you realize that they really didn't change the story only added on little bit to it so inconsequential that the author felt it wasn't important enough to include it.

As most of you know by now I started this blog because of an asterisk. I am not calling this person that, in fact that is what their blocked number was saved as in his phone. No name no number..... just that *. 

At first this really bothered me as why oh why would you not at least give them a name.... a fake name, a persona something, after all they said, all they believed in their pretend relationship. I have never questioned him on who's numbers are saved, I never check messages, I had trust.  HAD..... 

So I bit the preverbal bullet. Asked him, after the winter we have had I can't have either of us dying and not knowing the real truth. Why save this oh so special persons name at least shit name her Max the hoot or some shit. Save the number as Joe or Jim or Bitch shit I don't know, but it is one of the many many things that bother me still. 

His answer was so simple maybe he is lying maybe it's so simple that it makes sense after 3 months I still can't figure out which is true.   

I didn't save her number I blocked her number because I though she was being friendly first, talking about my dad, talking about my family on TV then she got weird. Plus she's married, she reached out to me and I just didn't want all that trouble. 

Now that part about her being married, living with someone that part is totally true, in fact her husband is suppose to be a part of our peoples holiest of people. She is suppose to be a respected part of our community. SUPPOSE TO BE. 

To me the act of texting talking is just as bad if not worse then actually sleeping with someone, you let this person in had conversations, that is way worse. I don't know if I am being silly I don't even care that they talked, it's that she thought because of these conversations that she was his soul mate. Can I get over that I do not know. Did her spouse know, what would he feel. I had a fleeting thought can I handle the smoke the fight and all I thought was fuck that bring it that is how I get over shit, get mad beat it up and move on. This humble quiet person this isn't me. 

I told her I would expose her for the snake she really is. She claimed I was harassing her, she called me but I was bothering her. So from my hospital bed I told the police the truth after she contacted them to claim I was harassing and basically stalking her. And felt I needed to not carry it on another family didn't deserve to be destroyed. That on top of my mother in Law and every other woman telling me men slip if you truly love each other you will work through it.

I don't disagree men all men I don't care who raised them are huge children. Every wife and girlfriend shit every sister knows this as a fact. But a woman who seeks out a man, while in a relationship, literally stalks his family and then tries to get rid of the wife, what is her excuse. I have never blamed others alone for all of his problems.

I am very logical usually. I don't ever let emotions take over. My mom use to tell me I had the most active imagination because I would (and still do) play every scenario out in whatever is happening. It's part of the reason I could never be an addict I need to be in control. I don't know why I am like this I just am, that is why I think everyone was so shocked at what I did. I am way to rational way to level headed. 

The reason this one bothered me was because it wasn't physical, it was more intimate, it wasn't a physical attraction, He even said she was homely. HOMELY like that should make me feel better it didn't it made me question everything about myself. Did I somehow the prettiest girl in the world lose her edge. Did I the most engaged person in every room be come so boring he needed to seek outside conversation. This is the shit no one talks about the blow to your ego as a person. I know or knew my worth. I had built myself time and time again. But this how do you compete with someone who is so below you intellectually but also in looks in friends in life. the blow to my ego was what got me. The second hand embarrassment for him.  Everyone knows I am battling cancer it goes into remission then when I think oh I'm in the clear it pops up in another location. Like whack-a-mole. 

If this got out how angry would people be because he was too weak to be there for me.  He needed comfort or to be propped up. All while I struggled in silence. Till Death do we part.  Maybe I am dying yes I am scared but I wasn't dead yet fucker. and for this I am still so angry. For this I WANT TO NAME names. But I also don't want the embarrassment of people knowing that is who she is. I mean I do not know anything about her, let alone what she looks like. What if she is better looking what if she is smarter what if she was right about everything. 

I hate self doubt HATE it. But do both of them deserve the shame..... more importantly do I and her spouse? Hurt people hurt people Liz don't hurt others it won't make you feel better..... I feel like that meme 

"YOU SURE BOUT THAT"

There are things I just can't seem to get out of my mind like when we drive through some place I think did you go here with her? Or that one time when you were drinking and you were here for a week were you with her.  I can't get rid of the feeling someone is watching me to see if we split up. and I can't promise we are going to but I can't promise we are going to stay together my mind just won't quit. HOWEVER this asterisk she doesn't deserve to win this imaginary battle with me. I am the one with the life she wanted. With the mother in Law husband and children she wanted. She wanted the fame. the whatever. So do I give it to her? and drag myself down in the process.

So my husband the person whom I am the angriest at got sick, like really sick could be dying sick, not once did I ever feel like oh gosh how am I going to deal with him being so sick what about me and my sensitive ego.....  Which person from my past can I reach out to and talk to not sext not plan a hook up just talk to.... I couldn't even imagine doing that to him, yet that is exactly what he did..... 

Yet here I am at his beck and call, ensuring he stays calm, getting him to his appointments making sure he is comfortable doing all the paperwork so he can continue to be paid you know doing what a spouse does. Does this make me a bigger person? No it makes me a person who actually cares for the person whom I have built my life. 

I have had some of their family try to friend request me some of his friends claim they had nothing to do with any of this without prompting only making me realize there is no safe space for me to truly heal.

Speaking with my therapist because how else am I going to get through this I have come to realization I may never get the answers I truly need because I will never know why people do the things they do all I can do is control what I do and how.

My brother once famously said I can't stand having meetings just to have meetings and I feel the same damn way about therapy sometimes I don't need to continue to talk just to talk that is not the generation I grew up in I need to deal with this by getting through it talk is cheap and a waste of time. every question should not be asked unless you are prepared for the answers. that being said I am not ready nor do I think I will ever be truly ready for the disappointment all of this has brought me. 

I also have to accept this has changed me in so many ways. I am bitter but I am also to the point where I just don't care anymore about who I hurt or how, I am broken and I truly don't know three months out of the asterisk that tried to change the course of my life almost succeeded if I will truly ever heal from all of this. I do know that she shouldn't matter and me holding back her name isn't protecting her its saving me from something that is nothing more then a footnote.

I joked with the brother maybe my husband getting sick was bad medicine if your native you get the joke, but seriously is this what karma is? It was so hard for him to "DEAL"  with my illness and death hanging around that maybe now he has to face it daily. that is horrible to say but hey he said it first to that * thing and then to me in his explanation so I guess it is plausible. Either way listen here you lurking back there waiting to see us fall, sending messages through people 

YES he is being cared for YES we are still a WE and if you want him just let me know cause the for better or worse shoe is now on the other foot. 

 

In the land of hay Ya's and Yee Haws.

 For as long as I can remember I have learned about our people. Our people our race. Our plight our fight our existence. All of it. I learned about all of it.

I learned of the dangers of the different kinds of genocide that were continually introduced to us. I learned that evil man with the little mustache modeled his camps after our residential schools.  I learned all the stuff not put in the history books.

So in honor of the beginning of Native American History Month (Thanks Obama) I decided I would write down my thoughts on all of this. a little change of pace for me, in fact I do have some stuff to get off my chest after attending the annual INFR but that will be for another day, today I want to speak on these matters. Because these matters matter.

It is kind of strange to see Native issues in the forefront of things like the Oscar race and in the music world. Now if you are living under a rock you wouldn't know about these issues, but if like me you live in the world you know all about Buffy and Killers of the Flower Moon. So which do I tackle first? Which deserves more of my time of my thoughts..... they both do.  There are problems with both of these current issues. And on the flip side they both have some positives. 

I met him on the Pow Wow Trail....... 

Everyone in Indian Country knows this line, shit we have all sung it at the top of our lungs at a 49 party or driving in a car with our friends. Her relevance to our people is not even measurable, or undeniable. She put our people and their fight on the map. I never really liked her now no one tell my dead mother that because Buffy was her friend, but it is true. I have never like people who try too hard to make others see them, and one thing about Buffy is that she makes people look at her.

Buffy in all her glory is defined best by her own child, who said an Italian woman with a big nose is not beautiful but tell the world she is Indian and all of a sudden.....

The real problem one that is just being brought to light is one that no one and everyone simultaneously wants to tackle. The pretend Indian the fake, there are people who say there are over 200,000 people pretending to be first nations, getting what little funding and fame that brings. But in my mind there is so many more they have made up an entire race to infringe on native rights. a part of the continued genocide which has moved to on paper. 

The fascination with our race is nothing new. it is equal parts curiosity and hubris. I fancy myself a history buff, not just the history of my people which I am well versed in but in history in general. History proves that the victor writes the history. Think about that statement. The battle with the Indian was never won, there was a peace treaty signed.... then slowly violated but none the less it was a peace treaty, the white man has taken it on himself to write our history. People like Buffy took this and decided that she would give herself a bit of our history. 

She really wasn't the first to do this but by far she is the most successful at it. For their entire lives here on turtle island white people have been claiming things that are ours and passing them off as their own. There is no way we can be smart enough to create things, invent things, name things. When you look through the tapestry that makes up Canada and the United States, our people's hands are all over every aspect of it.  The constitution of the USA was taken from the eastern tribes and the name Canada was taken from the same people. Various sports, inventions, cities and locations all taken from Native words, yet the credit until recently has never been given to those who it should be.

I do not think what Buffy did was ok in fact what she did was something worse then pretending to be something she never was but she also worked her way into a tribe, a wolf in sheepskin. Studying learning and using that tribe for her own personal gain. Our tribe has had various people who have done this, marrying our members attending our ceremonies and then sharing what they have learned for profit. PROFIT. our ancestors once said when signing treaties we can not trade the lands for money because if you throw the dirt on a fire it won't burn but if you throw your money on the fire it will. The land will outlast your paper money. We didn't think the way a white person thinks we still don't in some ways. the things done by Buffy, were for fame and profit, it was never for the people surrounding her with love. 

If we are to attack her for what she did then we should be battling against other ways the white man is attacking us namely the Metis. This made up construct of people who can not provide their linage do not belong to any tribe, but yet somehow are equal to our tribal people is a new attack on us, and one where we feel we should not speak up. Take a step back and realize that they too have taken what is not theirs and claimed it for their own. If our collective outrage should be directed anywhere it should be there before it is too late.

and that is where I will leave the Buffy section.... "As I go back to Canada"

As a Blackfoot woman I have a sense of pride as I see pictures of Lily Gladstone on TV's posters, and in the news. Man she got to meet Leo...... and Dinero I mean.... come on how cool. Then you read the reviews..... mostly great mostly praise

Except for a few who have decided why if these people were so well off why would they subject themselves to being married to the white man? Why would they let a white man dictate their finances? 

Of course the source material was written by a white man, like I stated before they write their own version of history. But this did happen I watched the movie and there were explanations not included in the either the book or the screenplay.

There have always been these checks and balances as they were called in every deal made with my people. We after all were, savages and in their eyes incapable of handling our own finances let alone caring for ourselves. Women of that tribe married non natives because even though their elders didn't approve they wanted to have control and marrying one gave them more control because then the white man became their care giver.  These choices affect our race even today.

Because we have been told our ways are evil, the English language beat into us and their churches forced onto us we still have this way of looking at the world. We have this misguided outlook that we simultaneously have zero trust and look for their approval. 

We knew we couldn't trust the white man but to this day we must ask for approval for every thing we do on our reservations. We are not allowed to control our finances totally, we have to request for everything we need to do, and our core funding although it comes from our own money we can not use as we wish. Federal governments control our monies, our membership, and our day to day activities. 

We all know our treaty numbers, these numbers are rattled off for most tribal business, no one has taken the time to realize what these numbers are, these are tracking tools. Another tool set up to watch us. the only difference between us and those in Germany is our number is not tattooed on our forearm. 

I think although this book and movie is out there and only tells a part of Molly and her family it is a beginning and now our people can start to tell our tribal stories because we all have them. Each tribe has stories of horror and killing. Now is the time for our people to step out of the shadows not ask for permission but to take the reigns and get the real history out there.

Each of these things is proof that our stories our lives are still being profited off by non natives. Now is the time for us to take our history back. Buffy got away with her lie for her entire adult life made millions of dollars, and the tribe she claims never benefitted from one dollar. At least when the Movie was made of the book Killers of the Flower Moon, The Osage people were consulted their language spoken and their people were used when they were able to. It may be small steps but they are steps in the right direction.

Now it up to my generation to work towards getting the stories out there, in which ever way we choose to do so and to ensure that our children and their children are made aware of where we were and where our people are going.

As for the pretendindians all of them, I see you and no matter the backlash we must defend what is ours. My first step is to say publicly that there is no Metis nation. they are not a nation, they are not a race, if you are first nations, trace your linage back to a tribe, give proof. There are only 3 types of animal that are required to provide proof of who they are......

Dogs

Horses

and Indians.

If you have Indian blood you can prove it on paper we all have to, so should you. These are your rules all we ask is you follow them.

Facing fears and eating Arbys

 We all shy away from the difficult conversations no matter what they are. We would rather live with the discomfort of the thing eating us up from the inside rather then face the thing whatever it is and deal with it.

All families fight. But those that are true to themselves learn how to forgive, move forward and keep loving one another. At least in my world. I have had knock down drag out fights with cousins. Fists and angry words. But you know what I would give my life for any member of my family at any time. The kicker is I know within my family it would be the exact same for me. 

All families fight, again words of wisdom from my mother. " All families fight Lizzie, you aren't normal if you don't fight. We say what we need to say, cuss if you have to swing if it comes to that. Then it's done we move on as a family."

I kind of lost sight of that. You can say the horrible things to your family, the dark things that weigh you down. they are there to lift you up. Make you laugh and then we move forward, together. I didn't count on my family instead I tried to protect them from even me. 

It backfired they were there when I woke up the ones who mattered most my children. Phone calls from my extended family, for days and now weeks to remind me of who I am who we are and that I am never alone.

I am stronger because of my family who raised me and who I raised. It doesn't matter if 1000 people want to rain on my parade I am proud of the muck and shit I walked through to get to this point in my life.

I remember the only time in my entire life I went to jail........

I had just barely turned 17 thought I was grown.... you all know. We had snuck out the night before I was with my younger cousin, she was a little more free spirited then I was and I went home to my aunts house. She didn't, I heard my aunt say how much shit she was in so I called a friend of my big little brother to give me a ride. I found her. 

At a fucking house party in the middle of the day...... so was it was in Browning..... the friend came in with me looked around and promptly left my ass there. I would have done the same damn thing. I found her hanging with a bunch of kids in a room just as I found her the cops came. Now I am from Canada now and I didn't know the golden rule..... RUN.

Needless to say I wound up in the back of a cop car, trying unsuccessfully to talk my way out of the handcuffs they had me in. I was going to jail ..... oh shit my mom is going to kill my ass. I guess I wont be visiting in Browning for a while. 

We got into the Jail we didn't go into a cell we were in a holding room, me and the cousin. Her mom came in and began to let's just say give her some punishment. The cops finally ask auntie what you want to do with them .... "leave their asses in here." 

The little cousin she got released to another cousin who she was staying with..... My mom was in Canada, so I was SOL I spent the night in jail trying to save the cousin and she was sleeping in a warm bed. I was so mad but also so relieved she was ok.

Moral of the story sometimes we go through the worst shit to protect those we love and we get the shit end of the stick, BUT your family they will do the same for you. Everyone was so apologetic after this and I wasn't even mad. I had a cool jail story didn't get my ass beat by mom and it all worked out so in the end it was ok.

Why share that story to show how you have to let your guard down to save those who need it she didn't know she needed me to save her at the time years later she told me that the kids she was hanging with were messing with drugs. Maybe I saved her for a bit, either way you have to defend those who you love and I have always done that. 

Now those who find constant fault or blame you for their actions those are the kind of people you have to cut loose. I have had to in the last two weeks look deep into my life those around me and cut the ones who wouldn't walk half way to help me when I would cross mountains for them. This is the hardest thing I think but I remind myself these people in my life they also have my number can contact me on social media. But those that actively avoid me, or worse talk about things without even reaching out well those people don't really care and I have to basically put the same energy in as I am given. 

 Seeing people who you think highly of fall from grace is pretty hard. I was that person for a lot of people my people so trying to prove that it was moment of weakness in 48 years and not at all who I was or who I will be going forward. I have to remember this as those who want to gossip about it or try to hold one incident against me. These people will find fault in anything I do. We do not need these people and somehow the trash always removes themselves.

I have had a day of tears, but also of conversations that were not easy. Facing what happened the real reasons and trying to rebuild the trust and understanding is a day by day thing but the first step is always facing the hard things, and a big beef and cheder always helps.

Tomorrow is a new day can't promise it will be any easier to face anything but as long as you put in the work with those that matter they will be there to support you. The rest can kick several rocks.

Dear Me

 The payoff of 10 days of writing of self reflecting is that in the end you get to forgive yourself. Bonus points for having to write a letter to yourself in the past to forgive. One big thing I have learned is that forgiveness is never for the person or people who you feel have wronged you or hurt you, it is for you, when we carry hurt when we carry trauma in us it's like a rock we carry while trying to swim.

The more you hold on to the bigger the rock. Bigger the rock harder to swim. 

As a native person we all carry generational trauma, things totally out of our control things that happened to our parents and their parents. These things these past things are a result of so much done to our people and it is up to us, to start to break these cycles.

Up to me to break my family cycles.

As a parent I understand how native parents think how my mom thought, as my in laws thought. Our children were taken stolen abused, physically and mentally. Their identity was stripped and they tried to rebuild us into them. The only problem is our DNA is part of the land, our souls our spirits could never be broken completely. So they walked through the world wounded. These wounds were deep they are hard to overcome, because although we have had the tools to survive these tools also made us hard. We walk through this world a lot of us believing in the church now not because we truly believe, but because that believe was beat into us, like prisoners of war we complied to survive. I do not want to take the solace religion gives to anyone one but the trauma bond our people have with the church is not one built out of love of the word but of fear of what will happen if we don't attend. Our language, mannerisms, and the way we raise our families are all a result of what happened at those buildings by people whom we were forced to trust.

Because of this underlying issue because of this we hold our families closer, we try to prevent hurt, yet we are not affectionate, or really understanding. We have an entire generation of children who are now parents raised by those who attended the very schools designed to assimilate or eliminate which ever came first. Tis a very strange world we live in we are the children who were taught not to embrace who we were, this was out of fear. I shouldn't say we as my mom didn't grow up here in Canada so she was more vocal more willing to talk about who we are. My father how ever did. He suffered the most horrible of stories of course that is his story to tell not mine. Because of this he was always more distant more isolated. 

So I as most parents said to myself I will never be them, however there are things that have seeped into my life. I hold to hard to long. I try to control every situation, but I also try to fix every situation. My fight or flight is not even for me it's for my children, and my family. Protection.

Part of the reason I fell so hard is I didn't have control over what was being said, what was happening. Truth or facts didn't matter my brain couldn't compute it.

I need to accept that I am not a savior I am not perfect and most of all people are going to talk to attack and not like me. I have to just be confident in who I am, accept who I am faults and all and let go of what is out of my control.

So easy right......

That is the problem I keep going back to and don't know if I will ever truly be the person I should be, but I am working on it.

Acceptance is part of healing it's like in the serenity prayer that addicts quote.

"accept the things I can not change and know the difference."

So where does this leave me. Well truthfully this dive into self reflection has brought me to trying to solve bigger issues with my people I think that is a Coping mechanism for me why focus on the small stuff when there are these bigger problems don't be so selfish help your people. My mothers voice. I think that is how she coped. She couldn't fix her husband so lets just fix all our people get them rights teach them about everything and dedicate your life to them. Start a College, get people educated then they will fight for themselves.

Something my mom said in her later years while she was doing a study for a tourism center for our people was right now your story your history is being told by people who never lived it they are making money off of who they think we are. Do you want some middle aged white man telling the world who the Blackfoot people are or do you want to own your own history. 

I guess that imprinted on me pretty heavily as I still am looking to help our people rise back up, sadly the ones holding us back are ourselves. In that sense the experiment of Kill the Indian save the child worked. we do not think we have the power or knowledge to guide ourselves in to the next century.

But we do.

My healing has started but my need to help my people see themselves out of the darkness is always on my mind. So I am going to work to better this world for my grand daughter, for her generation. Through all the horrors our people have gone through we have to keep on swimming. So I am letting the rocks that are holding me down go. I can't change every person but I can make me a better version and that is what I am doing.

The anger and hurt that have been handed to me in so many ways by so many people some because they just didn't know better and those who needed me to hurt to make themselves feel better. I also am forgiving myself for not being the best mom. wife. sister, daughter, friend, and family member. I am forgiving myself for being a product of who I was raised to be but also for who I became.

We are warriors. Stoic, fighters.

All of these things designed to make us resilient, to make us survive have also hindered us. We don't believe in showing weakness, we do not talk about the things that make us uncomfortable. The street people, the people struggling with addiction, they are there because of this. When you push the shit down and just keep going you will need something to help you cope. More proof that a simple switch can't be turned on and off. 

Now I can be an advocate for help, counselling, therapy, medication when needed. all of these things along with finding your sense of purpose those are the tools that are going to help us.

I will end with this my biggest hero was my grandma, She worked her entire life with those same street people getting people sober, helping them, there were days where we would drive around with her giving food or jackets to the bums. She would say if they are hungry give them food if they are cold give them a jacket, but money that gives them booze. I have taught my kids this simple life lesson. I so wanted to be her as a child. I would sit in her office and watch her work. She did carry a secret well it wasn't that secret she could help every struggling person in town except the one she went home to every night. Now as a wife I can see the pain she must have felt the hopelessness, but still she rose everyday went to work and did her part. She is still my hero and I aim to be her everyday.

Forgive, let it go and move on 

With this the 10 days are done.  I will continue to write but hopefully my outlook and my thoughts will be on the happier side. either way thank you without you also I would not be here today.