Trust

 So this is day 3..... so anti climatic wouldn't you say counting down the days after. I promised myself that I would address my thoughts daily and that is almost scarier then any other thing I have ever done in my life. 

So what do I feel the need to get off my chest today? Nothing I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I want to disappear pretend that it was one week ago maybe if I went back in time then maybe a lot of this shit would never have happened. I was ok, no one is perfect but I was ok with my life.

So maybe today I think in grand terms of life and love and all that contains in our little worlds. I have the privilege and curse of being the first daughter, oldest child in an Indian home every Indian woman knows that means you are a second mother babysitter, auntie, caregiver for your parents, everything. Then you decide you want to be a wife...... oh now you take on a whole other person whom sadly you have to continue to raise while you are trying to raise babies. No I do not regret one moment or choice I have made, before this thing I did this stupid fleeting thought I had. 

Native women are the strongest people I know, but we also have so many balls in the air all the time. I was giving a talk one time about how we are expected to be all these thing all the time and a non native person asked me how do I think we as a people deal with the trauma ..... that knocked me back on my heels for a second. We all know we have the trauma yes. But we don't address it we just move forward dealing with it by laughing, cooking throwing ourselves into our families promising silently I am going to be a better parent wife sister excreta. 

What I did was a sign of weakness in most peoples eyes, Shit it's weakness in my eyes. 

My eyes..... who did I see when I look at myself? Somewhere over time I was the mom who did all the cool things with her kids, but also the parent that was the scariest one, Ha ha I chuckle when I think of that because it was always a mask. The worry I have constantly about the dangers in the world, wanting to protect my cubs because I know what I have lived through so that they would never have to. If I wasn't the mom I was the wife, the Rodeo Wife, the one who was the glue dealing with all the things making sure everything was always ok. 

That title Wife..... it's almost a weapon in itself. we can wield it when we needed to it is a powerplay every rodeo wife knows what I mean. But that also is a mask of insecurity of doubt. Hey wait why is she looking at me like that who is that ..... never mind we are a happy home we all have struggles but we are a unit.

I keep thinking back over my 33 years as a wife and mother, in the beginning it was hard. I can't lie about that. But it got easier, we had happy we had unity we had each other the 4 of us. My in-laws became my family we did everything together so I slowly moved away from my own family to just being part of theirs. After my mom died I realized two things, every family member I had was no longer here beside me in this country, and that I was becoming more dependent on my In-laws. There is nothing wrong with that in a perfect world except we don't live in a perfect world now do we.

as I laid in the hospital, I had this feeling it was the same exact feeling I had as I swallowed those pills. 

Yes I have people who love me. Yes there are so many people here that care, but I am alone. My first thought was my mom......

I know I said I wouldn't speak on other peoples trauma but I am sure she wouldn't mind.

My mother she was someone who was so smart, on so many levels. We didn't come from money in fact we worked hard each day to be a better person make your way. She was what some would classify a radical Indian you know the arm in the air AIM warriors that was her. Always learning. Always Lizzie.

She did so much before she had kids, and after, but her last years she was isolated and alone. She would come visit and say when it was her time she would want to go home to her family. She knew even though there were people here who cared for her, her family wasn't here. I made that happen for her, and sadly now I know what she meant. 

Anyway I always think of that saying alone in a crowded room. Yeah I get it. I've gotten pretty good at knowing everyone but still being totally alone. Who can you really trust with your secrets? Who really knows you? 

TRUST....

God knows I can't trust myself I was duped either an entire lifetime or for 15 minutes either way I couldn't trust myself, can I trust me now? Are my eyes clear can I see what is in front of me or is not real. 

They knew too much ..... I felt violated..... I still feel that way. Who's watching me to see me slip to take advantage if I let my guard down. And why? 

3 days "After" and I am still unsure of everything in my life. Is this my life was I just a placeholder. 

I know words are just that words.... but hey those words had so much venom on them so much distain for me for what I had built. They knew too much. How dare they know so much. HOW DARE THEY.

Well I haven't cried in about 2 hours so that is progress right......

I am trying to get to the point where I can trust myself first because I can't trust my surroundings I am starting over. The old Liz would have just sat down and figured out a way to destroy any negative arrows thrown my way, BUT THEY KNEW TOO MUCH. 

Anger is fleeting its fear I feel. That is something new for me I have never feared things in my life I wasn't even scared through all the cancer I just handled it. But this has me shaken. Who am I? 

I spent the day trying to reflect on things. watching 90's Romcoms reciting my favorite lines.

"He's just a man on a horse baby girl"

"Laughter through tears is the best Medicine."

"Once upon a time baby girl your momma knew what it meant to shine."

has anything become any clearer in my muddled mind? No not really, I still have the same doubts same shaky hands. Someone knocked on the door and I went and hid. 

My goal for tomorrow trust yourself a little more. You can do this. Maybe..... No you can you are the first born daughter you have fought many battles and learned so many lessons tomorrow you will see, everything you have faced so far has been fuel to fight this battle..... Come on Liz snap the fuck out of this.

Maybe tomorrow I will be that warrior I was raised to be maybe. Either way I will be back here spilling my guts. and If they are watching you didn't end me you just broke me and I will be back better then ever.