Well I made it TWO freaking weeks of writing my thoughts ramblings and all that Jazz. I managed not to name names point fingers or displace blame onto others.
Am I cured? of what I am not sure but no I am most defiantly not cured of all that broke me, I still have the thoughts no matter how hard I try, you replay parts of your life or your entire life. Doing so has however made me remember who I am.
Who I am without saying I am his wife, their mom, your friend, the person who deserved to be destroyed.
No I was not born of money, but I was taught to work hard, out work everyone. There are 3 keys to success in life knowledge, hard work, and personality. I have all those things with or without anyone beside me so it's time to start thinking like I know who I am.
I have been doing so much self reflection, looking inside myself. Finding out what makes Liz tick, well it seems there is so much more to me then the outside. Yes my insides are still a mess, but that is what makes me human.
I had a very strong memory of my childhood, my big little brother and I growing up were for lack of a better term shit kids. we tormented each other the neighborhood and all of our older cousins. I always had to bounce shit off of him from being a little monster right up to today. Somehow nothing is undoable if I first talk to him about it. He has always been able to see inside, and just know. I try to be that same thing for him but I know deep down he has always been stronger and I just always fall in line with him.
Well the day of my incident, he called me a few hours before, it was a normal enough call but he was fishing asking me questions and kept going back to how are you. I would answer like I always do fine it is what it is what did you need from me. I never imagined that so much would be dumped on my head in just a few hours after that I didn't have the strength to overcome it. I would never imagine I would ever be that low.
strangely talking to him this week we had both had the same thought we both thought of my mom and how she felt what she went through and he said I never want to see you like that. She forgot who she was and let the negative win over and over don't you do that Liz. and I promised him but more importantly promised myself never again.
NEVER AGAIN!!
So where does that leave me now. Firstly I started writing again and that is a win. Like I said at the beginning of this journey I have always fancied myself a writer so I think I am going to keep this Blog up, and I am going to give stories from my life hopefully they will a bit more on the chipper side HOWEVER life is life so you never know. Secondly I am going to continue therapy. It is helping.
But most importantly I am never going to hang my identity on anyone but myself. I am a mother wife sister friend and community member but above all of those things I am me, every hurdle I have overcome, every time I have stumbled I and I alone has picked me up and kept going. This time is no different there is just farther to climb back up.
I can do it and right now I feel better then I did yesterday, and I can actually go about my day without tears. That in itself is such as good thing. I was never one for tears or outward emotion. Don't get me wrong I am passionate about things, speak loudly, stand my ground if I believe in something I can defend that. but I am not emotional, I never have let emotions get in the way of logic before this so having to figure out how to balance my emotions and the logic of what is right and wrong, that is what I am figuring our right now.
I also have given up on trying to control every situation, my children, and my husband all have lives that they need to live, my involvement will be what they need not what I want.
I also am not always the only answer. that is the hardest one to swallow. I have always studied every situation to ensure that I know I KNOW. nut now I need to let people figure out things on their own.
That statement is the scariest thing I have thought or said. But I can not carry the load of everyone anymore. Mentally or physically I can't do it so hello this is the new and maybe improved me.
If you know me personally and I seem aloof or distant just know I am not I am just finding my footing and it will all be ok eventually.
I may have damaged my heart but it is still there and the love I have for my true friends and family will never waiver, never change.
Until tomorrow I everyone.
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