Once upon a time........
I have always been a night owl sleep although I do love it has always alluded me, some nights I can't shut my mind off and tonight is no different.
Tonight my thoughts have gone way back all the way to the 8th grade to be exact. That is the time when I first met my husband. Such a long long time ago......
But it was also a time when I had my own point of view, I was already becoming who I am today I just didn't know it then.
I did have a very small group of core friends but I also was friends with people outside that group of girls. I want to be very very clear, I had moments of kindness but I was not the nicest person in the room, I knew 3 things, I knew I was cute, I knew I was original and I knew at all costs I had to pretend.
Sometimes when I think back I think gosh was I a phony person, I molded who I was depending on what group of people I was hanging with at that moment. My core group of buddies I just didn't measure up to them, but I had one thing going for me I was new. But then again at that very time we all were, there was a mass exodus to enroll your children in school on the reservation so we were all finding our way together. Although my mom was one of the administrators of the division I wasn't like all the other kids, but god knows I couldn't let them know.
It's crazy now as an adult looking back what is they say hindsight is 20/20 that is true for sure. There are people who still look at me with a fear in their eyes and I vaguely remember them or how mean I was to them. Then it comes back to me, and then I wince inside I could have been better but I could never risk the truth coming out so I went along with the crowd. That is still the case right now I still try to be kind when I can but the mean person I was as a teenager comes out more often then not.
My mother in all her wisdom she taught me so much but the lesson I learned from childhood was you don't have to be right Lizzie you just have to make your point and stick to it. She would tell me that there are always shades of grey always, right and wrong live right inside of there. I have lived my entire life that way. You don't have to be right you just have to win the arguments. Don't take a stand unless you can defend it. So I always looked for all the possible outs before I spoke.
They are going to say or do this or that be ready have a rebuttal be ready win the fight. You know there is a grey area and we will end up in that space. That is until this..... this thing I didn't look for the answers before, I didn't see the grey area in it I only saw Black and White. And that my friends was my fatal flaw.
I still have so many of my friends from my youth and I am still friendly with so many more. I am grateful for my time with each of them they also helped shape me and I know this. Shit I still have the same Red Haired boy hanging around even after all of this, or is it that I am still hanging around him? I guess it's one of those grey areas.
He told me when we were 15 that he was going to marry me and I held him to it, it just took us a while to get there. My mind is murky but I do know that for sure. That did happen, that was black and white. How and why well those areas are grey.
18 years old is pretty young looking back shit I thought I knew so much, I didn't look for all the possible outs I didn't think twice. I made choices and like always I defended them. I still defend them I made those choices and I regret nothing.
I made a choice and I have lived by that choice to this day, marriage is forever...... no outside kids no quitting on each other through it all, All the bad ..... we will get to that. And all the good..... that is the part you all know and can see on all my social media pages. Did I make the right choice why in the HELL and I questioning this now? My life happened it did. I am here I am breathing. I made it through the fire and am still standing chard and burnt but I am still here. I regret nothing..... well except for one thing. That thing the INCIDENT.
I was never insecure in my identity ever. Embarrassed at times maybe but never insecure. My relationship was filled with so many peaks and valleys so so many, when people tell you a marriage takes work they aren't fucking kidding. I tell my children now, in order to make a relationship work any relationship you have to be willing to give some of you up to become a "WE" meeting in the middle sometimes you give more take less and vice versa. Forgiveness is huge, you have to forgive a hell of a lot in order for it work. So don't do it until you are ready to give of yourself freely because if it's not a team it won't work.
Are we in this together? Am I not seeing what I should? I have never doubted for one second until now. We worked so hard to get here, I WORKED SO FUCKING HARD TO GET HERE. I gave up so much to be Liz Fox. I did, and never regret any choice I made but is Liz Fox still there or is it just another example of my mind and my heart only seeing black and white and not the grey area in the middle.
I don't talk of this often but when I found out I was pregnant I had a conversation with my mother, she was pissed to put it mildly. "God Damn it Lizzie. What about school? you were already accepted." I sat and thought about it, before I could get the words out she said " You can do it alone, it's possible." She had wrote my husband out of the equation before I even told him. Black and White her grey was I was going to be a single parent. " No mom let me think, let me talk to him."
"if you go to him you stay with him Liz." She didn't want me to not go to school she wanted more for me then she had I see that now but her way of doing it wasn't all that productive.
So one late night outside his ranch I told him...... then blurted out I can do this alone I am just telling you that's all you don't have to do nothing. I'll be gone after summer is over.
He looked out the window for a bit then turned and said I told you I was going to marry you so Just stay.
Just stay......
He said the same thing when I sent for him on Monday night when the doctors told me my heart was starting to fail.
He came in the room sat in silence for a bit, looked at me with fear and said you don't have to leave me Just stay here Just stay.
All of this happened. It wasn't an illusion this is my life no matter what they said. Right? This is my truth my world......
I don't know I still don't know. But thinking back is helping me to find my footing.
I know that I was never perfect my marriage my life everything had flaws. But I am ok with that, I picked my position in that grey area and I am defending it.
As Maya Angelou said so famously:
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better DO BETTER."
and that is all I can do, I know better now so I shall try to do better.
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