Just keep Swimming

So here we are day 4 after....... so so many burning questions. I mean I have them too so how can I even be ok.

I know the burning question everyone has it's the question I have had from the moment I woke up, in this new world this after..... 

For longer then I have been an adult it has been him and I. That statement is crazy how do I navigate anything in this world without first checking with him? I don't have an answer..... not for that question. I got way to comfortable I guess, I got complacent in my life.

Now I need to make one thing clear to me.... then by proxy to you all as well, there wasn't a moment HE SAID anything. He wasn't done, He didn't leave, somehow he didn't really factor into this. What I did was selfish, one sided, and like I have said so many times, it was just the last straw I didn't have anymore in the tank to fight this battle, prove my side and keep my life. 

Me the person who never backed down in a fight, me the person who always was the know it all. I was just done. But how did I get to this point the point that I couldn't muster another argument, the point where there wasn't a way.

How how how..... I think the better question is why.

My entire life I have been putting out fires, more times then not they were not my fires they were whatever was happening around me. I was 5 years old and trying to parent my parent. That is not an exaggeration in our life I was always more levelheaded then my mother. She knew it and she knew she could always turn to me for help if she needed it. 

Was it a personality type or was it a deep need to be needed? Maybe it is a mixture of both. I will walk through the pits of hell to help someone who means anything to me, late nights of making things perfect, make sure they understand that it's no problem, I can fix that I can do that. One of my favorite things to say is if you want it done right do it yourself.

I am a control freak, I can't just let things play out I have to help it along. I can't stand to see disappointment,  I have worked to ensure that my kids my husband do not ever have to deal with hurt, deal with it not working out. Let me fix it, let me see what I can do. 

Since I was a teenager I have worked on my relationships I have always worked hard to make sure everything is ok..... OK what a term, what does that even mean.... no let's not get sidetracked I am trying to understand and to understand I must be honest about who I am.

I don't want to unpack my relationship with my mom, I think that will take more time, more reflection and a lot of hurt..... the way others viewed her and the way I did never seemed to line up when she was alive. She was this ray of light to so many other people they looked to her, she had the answers, but to me she wasn't that she always seemed to flighty too free spirited. I was always so angry when it came to her. And in the end I didn't look at her lovingly I was angry at her for becoming what she had always warned me never to become. DEPENDANT on others. She knew it and apologized for being weak. I asked her in one of our last conversations I asked her why she had LET herself get here. She told me one day you will understand one day it will become clear. But her story is not this maybe someday I will tackle who she was but first I have to untangle who I am and why I let myself get to this point. 

I haven't looked in a mirror in 5 days avoided it actually afraid of what I would see in my own reflection. would it still be me or changed somehow?  Looked this morning nope from the outside it's still me. What a letdown. This huge event just happened and I do not look any different. figures, the most painful scars a person can have are on the inside. 

Him and I there is no him without I and vise versa. He has always been the one constant for all of my adulthood, did we fight and argue yes, was there some very toxic very horrible things in our past yes, but that goes with anyone. There are not fairytales.

Some might try to romanticized our life together awe you met when you were 14 and your still together. there was a lot in-between all of that. So much just like any other relationship. But forgiveness was one thing I always made sure I had. Let's not sugarcoat this our first years together were rocky. But somehow we always found our way back like a warm blanket. 

As I unpack this last straw and what and why it got to me I am starting to realize it was never about him leaving me because he isn't ever going to leave me I am sure of that he does love me, or need me or I am his comfortable blanket. Whatever it is toxic or not I was not sure of but we are a we. He said something on the long drive home on Tuesday morning.

I can't go on if your not here I had come to terms with that, if you leave me alone I'm not going to be ok.

This statement, and my need to make sure everyone is ok all the time really fucked with my already muddled mind.

But I didn't do this to him I did this to me...... was this a cry for help...... I don't think so. or maybe it was shit I really don't know. What I do know is I am tired. Tired of fighting every fight. 

This statement is going to cause more questions then give answers......

I did not want to die. I just couldn't see a fix anymore. My core being was rocked. I started to question every second every word everything. And all I saw was blackness. Never in my entire life had I ever been that low. I always found a way. ALWAYS until this moment. 

Now five days out I am realizing the fear I had was of being a failure. I failed as a wife as a mother, no that is not true. My fear was that I would be perceived as a failure. The image of failing was scary. But it was an illusion it wasn't real. We have a good life. Not perfect but letting someone else dissect and destroy it for their own personal reasons. I am not going to speak on this or even the call anymore they do not deserve any more time or space in my head.

I am choosing to believe in my life. what I worked so hard to build everything isn't a lie the more I take apart whatever was said the more I understand that isn't even possible. 

So then how did they know so much I guess that is a question they will have to answer why are you watching someone else's life studying it so that you can what? what did they want? and why no I do not need those answers. I just need to know what I am doing with my life.

So this many days out I have realized I am not going anywhere. I have things to rebuild better stronger, but I am given that chance. They are faceless, I could not pick them out of a crowd, truthfully I don't care to. 

there are things I do need to fix, on the top of this list is me. somewhere in the last 33 years I have become someone I do not like I have to find me again. independent of anyone else. So does this mean I am in the selfish phase of my life maybe. Not angry not bitter. I just need to find some sense of joy. Not gratification. I don't need to find joy by giving all of myself to others I need to find joy in me in what I like and what I want. so I guess the next few days I will look at that. 

What do I like.... well I like this I like writing. strange but I do. I like seeing smiles, I like trying new things, but I also like my own little bubble. And while doing this little experiment sharing of myself I have invited you all in and I know I can't trust you all but the time for masks and protection is gone. The world deserves to know the real me not some image that others put out about me. Not the story others have told of me. I am in there wanting out and now to find a way.

I woke up for the first time in years hopeful. Hopeful for what is next. I can't make people stay with me on this journey if it becomes to uncomfortable for them I understand. I have raised my family I am in the next chapter and it is up to each one of those in my life to join in or walk away. My choices not everyone will agree with and I am ok with that. I have to do what is best for me. I do need people in my corner but I am not going to beg for it. I will be ok eventually and that has to be enough for me.

As for him the question you all have. well I can't just throw away an entire life. Like I said relationships are give and take. Because we are a we, we will figure it out. I am not believing in him I am believing in me, and what I built he is just part of it. I am not a weak person, I am not stupid, and I know exactly what I am doing. I have to give it a chance. What I did taking every other person out of it was unfair, to every person I care for. I know that and that is the real struggle I am having. But as for what I am going to do I am going to rebuild from the rubble with those who matter to me. that is all I can do. 

I tell my kids all the time you have to keep moving keep swimming or you will sink. I was treading water and I started to sink. Now it is time to swim.