Today I need to address the real problem ..... I know as a child I would hear this saying I want to pin it on good ol' Pops but it could have just as easily been one of the cousins or even my Grandma.
You are smartest dumbass kid alive.
Yeah it's me I'm the problem it's me.
I never should have trusted that much in other people. I should have double checked all the things my social media friends, people who lurked too long asked personal questions people..... why was I so trusting.
Those of us who are native women, or just natives in general, we know ..... whispers, gazes if a room goes quiet the moment you walk in.
Jealousy..... longing for something you have and they don't
Don't ACT better then me because....
We misdirect and finger point to take the heat off ourselves and put it on who ever is the subject of the gossip that is currently going around. Now don't pretend you don't do it because we are all guilty......
So for the next little while I guess......
It's me I'm the problem ME.
Oh how far they fall, acting like a perfect family, wow those are some skeletons in your closet. She got knocked off her high horse.
I don't think I was ever on a high horse, I have always been too honest about most things, MOST Things how ever I did keep secrets from the world for personal reasons. For my own sanity but most importantly I just didn't want anyone of you to have the ammo to shoot holes through my life. This didn't start with my marriage and children this has been my entire life.
Now I know some of you are waiting thinking oh she's going to make some huge revelation some TEA as the kids say to store away for a time that I am riding high in the saddle and I need to be knocked back down to earth. No some secrets will be kept from you things I won't speak of publicly but those are also things that I have to unpack alone with a box of kleenex and a therapist in a room alone. This public story is just that and the real healing is going to be for me.
Anyway ....... like or not this is whatever this is for me to regain my life my story not some BS cooked up story with a million holes.
It has always been hard for me to go out in public, I always felt that people could see the real me through whatever I was wearing, driving, how well spoken you are that shit doesn't matter in my own insecurity I have convinced myself that people can see that I am not perfect.
I was never not honest with my husband he knows all my baggage, ALL of it (this is were you would insert a hand on face emoji) so although I put armor on in public I have always been honest with him, and my children but I have always skated around it with anyone else.
He has always known some of my insecurities. One of my biggest fears has always been that my life would mirror my mothers........
again Liz again with her......
YEAH because it wasn't a good part of her life and I can see the parallels, In the last years of her life she was not able to work full time, she became less of her legacy and more of a shell of herself. This woman who fought for her people her entire life was reduced to a shell of that person, living so far from home that she was alone yet she stayed for her children.
In those last years I although I was right along side her I couldn't save her from this. Watching her reduced to this is one of my biggest fears.
I couldn't let the life I built be torn down with my fears, yet here we are, I let my fear become a reality, and I didn't see it coming.
However this person gathered the weapons needed to wound me almost fatally they knew, if they kicked one leg out of my foundation I would topple that isn't ok.
But the more important thing is I can rebuild for the simple fact I have been doing it for so long that it isn't anything new.
Now for the truth bomb, for the last two years our entire family has been swinging wildly trying to figure out how to navigate a world where we didn't make a move without my father in law. My husband and Son were learning a whole new world where he wasn't there and although it was hard on the women of our family the men are struggling more. Again, this isn't their story it's mine and I am only addressing what I had control of. So this is my part of this no one else.
I have been working so hard to make it easier for them, holding down the fort figuring out what was next for this family. As a child we went without a lot. So as long as there is a roof over our head, food in the fridge, and gas in the car we are good. But a full time job, I physically I couldn't do it with my treatments, along with my injury and long term shit.
So where is this rambling going Liz? what point are you trying to get to.....
For every year Him and I are together there have been those who revel in our falls. And there has been some pretty bad stumbles. But we had each other to lean on and we had that support from his dad. Nothing was ever that bad because like me his dad worked hard to make sure the entire family was ok he would stay up late each night making moves fixing issues and putting out fires.
So start of this wasn't because of one thing, I have been trying to keep everyone around me ok I forgot about me. there are 24 useable hours in each day but I still didn't have enough in the tank to use any of that time on myself.
I was burning the candle at both ends, and forgetting to take care of Liz. that is not an excuse I can't make excuses I made the choice to focus on the big things, and lil ol me well she just wasn't big enough to give a second thought to.
So here I was focusing on fixing what I could I couldn't see the evil right on our doorstep, Wait that is a bit of an oversell, I don't want to generalize this Evil is a big ticket word. But sinister maybe that was a better term. This wasn't evil I had seen evil first hand.
No this wasn't pure evil it was someone else who had their own sense of desperation, their own ideas of what I had.
HAVE this is my life they can have their own..... do whatever you need to do if it was that easy to destroy me I would have been long gone years ago.
I left the house yesterday and even if when people saw me they whispered or snickered I didn't fall from the outside I am ok.
I have chosen to do this publicly and I think because of that so much of the whispers don't carry as much weight. I feel parts of the old Liz peaking through. I am so mad at myself for being weak, but I also have to face that I was weak because I tried to be strong for too too long. sadly a lot of these are going to be rambling testing myself on what is ok to share, what isn't because truthfully I brought my self to this point and only I can bring myself through it.
my lesson for today is easy enough accept responsibility some answers don't have answers, and you can fall to your lowest point and still get back up and keep on going. Only you have that power, no one should ever be able to take you down. You have met some horrible beings in this world, gone through so much before your fall that it can be forgiven.
But first you have to accept that no matter the words used actions taken you can only lose what you put out there. People are going to judge and talk no matter what.
So I am working on acceptance, and forgiveness I have to forgive myself. I have to know deep down what I have done in my life and it was to build something better then I had. I contemplated maybe deleting all my social media, but I have never ran away from anything, So still I stand. battered and a little more leery of everyone but I am still here. I might be able to share more of me tomorrow or not but this is my healing journey and I am writing the story and I will choose what I bring to light.
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