reclaiming my time

 I have never felt like I needed to hide who I am, I was always self assure and aware of everything. This is something new for me. 

Makeup has always been fun for me, until yesterday, it became my shield to venture out. I couldn't walk out the door, without my heart starting to race sweat beads down my back. No this isn't who I am No I have always been sure of what I am doing where I am going and who the hell I am. Until now this is all new to me for the first time in my life. 

It would be easy to blame any number of things for this any moment in the last year and a half could have caused me to break in the way I broke but all of those things I walked into with open eyes. So ultimately this all falls on my shoulders. And that is the problem. It all falls on my shoulders I have chosen to be the person I am, I don't ask for help I am never wrong. This is one of the things I have to learn how not to be.

Our elders have this thing they say I can't spell it but roughly translated it is Don't worry about it. Basically they are saying it will work out it's not that big of a deal. I have never learned that amount of chill. Maybe someday I will figure that out but for now I fret, I fret about things I can control and more then not I worry about the things I have zero control or say over. 

I focus on what can be. Running scenarios through my mind playing all possible and impossible outcomes. But everyone does that don't they have full blown conversations in their head before you even see the person or get to where ever your going? 

It's like the boy scouts, always be prepared. and I am usually right on top of everything. Except for the last year and a half I haven't been. I have been flying blindly into situations. 

The amount of care I should be putting into everything is terribly lacking in every department. 

I have always had great time management, work ethic and ability. until now. my lack of care was bleeding into everything I been doing. Truthfully that doesn't bother me even now. 

I would wear the same sleep shirt and sweats for days on end. comb your hair who cares. I just couldn't muster up enough care to do anything. Messy house messy life. and believe me it's pretty freaking messy right now. 

So me taking the time to actually put makeup on is a good thing. 

Something everyone keeps telling me is that I have to be kind to myself but I wasn't raised to be kind to yourself what the hell is wrong with you if your not bleeding to death suck it up. 

I think through all of this that is what I am struggling the most with is that, WEAKNESS or the appearance of weakness. Get your shit together I can hear my grandpa I can hear myself muffled but I can hear it.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Ok but how..... right now I am struggling with where to start, baby steps..... but who has time for that. But I also know I have to get myself back to where I use to be. and I don't have time for baby steps. 

My favorite thing to tell myself is if they don't feed you house you or pay your bills they don't matter. but right now all I can think is how can  I stop people from staring judging me. At the same time I really shouldn't give two shits. guess you can all see where my mind is at. 

I am caught between I really don't care what you think and oh god don't talk about me. I know I have chosen to put this out there I have chosen to allow you all to see my struggles so I really can't cry about you looking at me when I invited you in. That is the tradeoff. 

So we went to town yesterday and I have never had anxiety ever I never stressed about being anywhere alone or with who ever until yesterday. 

My husband walked down an isle I went down the next I saw someone I knew and I started to panic. No I wasn't afraid it was something else something deeper. I needed a shield a barrier between me and the world. I am still so hurt that he is going to have to be that for me. He also doesn't know how to handle this new me I have never been clingy never unsteady he is having to see me smaller in stature  I want to fade in to the background. 

hopefully that starts to fade, as I find myself again or become who I am suppose to be. 

I know I don't owe anything to anyone I owe this to myself to find my footing. I have given up I was preparing myself to say goodbye long before this. Not that I wanted to take my own life but that the universe or the cancer gods or who ever was going to get sick of me and finally say game over.

I did have moments of hope this summer at our annual big camp with Motokii's  I felt their prayers it was a special feeling I can't make anyone understand but I felt better. Until I realized that person was watching me they came to our camp and what stared at me. Judged me who knows but now that special feeling I had has been replaced by insecurity. They did that and I want to reclaim my power my life. 

But I have always said I have lived my life ensured I raised good kids, did what was right even when I didn't agree with it. I am a good person or at least have a good heart. My one fatal flaw is that I am too loyal I will totally cut someone off from me if you wrong someone I love. so now how do I cut myself off from me. I hurt the person most important to me ME.

Each day I am getting better. I was touch and go about going to Las Vegas in a few weeks but I feel like I have to go. I have to prove to myself that I am ok, that I can handle the stares and whispers but more importantly  I can still be me. 

I think tomorrow I am going address the ethical questions I keep asking myself. but for right now I am reclaiming me for me.