I spent most of the day clearing out the junk of my life.... both metaphorically and in my house. Clutter, it makes you say how in the hell did I end up with all of this.....JUNK.
In my home it is easy enough my husband is half mouse half packrat. He collects things, one time he decided he needed pallets, no not one or 10 pallets it was truck loads on truck loads of them. We still have these pallets at the ranch and I still don't know why he needed them. That is just who he is. Just have to accept all the parts of him and I do. In return I collect craft things not just simple paper and scissors but like all the things bits and bobbles everything. You just never know.
I also just love clothes shoes and pretty things I am not sure if it is because I like clothes am addicted to shopping or if it's from my childhood not having enough. Whatever the reason I have more then one person should ever had. staring at my room I just get the feeling of overwhelming dread. Totally self inflected no one to blame but me. I also know I need to thin things out.
That goes for my mind as well if I sit too long I start to look to hard on the situation trying to make sense of it. Why does someone have to blow up another's life what joy do you get from that? What purpose did it have? I can't do that I can't reflect on what others are thinking or doing. Shit I can't for my own well being.
I can however do a mental clean up of who in my life needs to stay and who it no longer matters if they are here or not. I do not mean that in any way to be mean or hateful, but one thing this situation has brought to my eyes and I can not ignore is the fact that there are people out there that will reach out check on you worry for your well being because they care and there are those who question the situation because they are nosy. I am a firm believer in if you have my number you matter enough to me to talk to in real life. that goes for me as well if I want to know something I don't read all the posts about it, I don't ask those who are close to that person, I ask the person. If I don't know the person in real life then I really don't focus on the situation what ever it is. We all have shit, we all have issues and not everyone is meant to be a part of our journey. Social media has given us this untethered look at everyone and we think because someone has clicked yes when you it sends you a friend request that somehow they are intitled to every aspect of our lives. Most notably the hard parts. The parts we struggle with. No You do NOT have full access to me or my issues. I will share what I feel I need to share.
I have chosen to share my lowest point yes, I needed to work through this publicly at least the parts I want to share. That however does not give you license to ask about my well being to any member of my family. Just ask me gee it might even help to hear from you. I try to always be honest with everyone about whatever it is, however I do not want to be the reason you whisper or gossip. There is no need. Truly.
When we were younger and my husband drank and did the idiot things men did I hated when people would feel like they were protecting me if they didn't tell me things I would find out anyway. A real friend will tell you the hard things and hold your hand while you cry they won't judge you for your choices and they will always understand. They may not like it but they will stand beside you. That is a real friend. Like I said my husband and I had a rocky start. I don't make excuses for him I am perfectly aware of what happened and what didn't. This person however invented an entire life, contradicting themselves I didn't know you but then saying but you were mean to me. which was it. You and your friends hated me but, I don't know you I didn't know you. I moved away but he followed me. When when did this happen. I am still so confused. I know I promised I wouldn't speak on that epic fantasy this person had but I still go back and forth in my mind about how and why.
Anyone who knows me and my family knows we do absolutely everything together. So when I started to take apart what was said the more I realize it just couldn't be unless there was a twin or something. So I have to start to think about why why would this person I have no idea even existed before last week, would want to rip my world apart and what purpose it had.
I still don't have an answer for why.... obsession maybe they mentioned my family on TV so what you wanted the fame but we weren't famous for 30 years only one. and we aren't famous now. so still confused. My daughter was mentioned. as was my mother in law. still not clear how you thought they would just ignore me and what? ?? so confused. I know I can't keep going around and around with this. obviously this person is not ok. But that is not for me to prove. I have to get better. and I am working on that.
This situation is not the only reason this happened I broke because I wanted and needed to be everything. I had to have total control always. I have always been this way trying to control every situation and I have to retrain my brain to letting go of what I can not control and being ok if I don't know the outcome of a situation.
That I think will the harder thing to do. I right now while I write this am trying to control this how this will be viewed. But I can't you all will believe what you want or need to believe. You all will think whatever you think and I can't control that. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with.
So you all that read this and any future things I write will interpret it how you see fit, and yes you will judge me how you see fit. I have to be ok with that, after all I have chosen this for myself. This is the ultimate experiment of how well adjusted I am. Maybe this is me daring that person to step forward and prove their story I know that won't ever happen.
That isn't the true goal I do know two things for sure, I am still here still standing, and I am somehow stronger not weaker, and I know that I am not a super human, I was brought to point of breaking shit I broke in a pretty stupid way, but it has helped me to see what my weaknesses are and how I can fortify them.
I am still pretty gun shy when it comes to going out in public but each day it is getting easier.. Things are becoming clearer.
If you have questions ask me if not just enjoy the ride I guess. another day out and still not many answers for the questions I have. I may never get them. Part of this journey is accepting that and knowing I really don't need them, I guess.
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