You ever have a dream so real you woke up and had to think about it. I can't be the only one who has these dreams. Come on guys lets be honest here it is a safe place.
Anyway for the past few nights I have had some realistic dreams, not the oh I won a million dollars and all my problems are gone kind of dreams but those that are probability my inner fears are leaking into my subconscious. In my life I have been told those fears are never to be spoken of you just deal with them.
So why then am I having these fears that is what I really need to unpack, but where to start? And is it really worth the trouble......
I have never been really afraid of anything, love horror movies don't really fret the small stuff I was diagnosed with Cancer 2 times so far and not a wince, so what now has me looking inward wanting to crawl inside a hole instead of facing the world.
No Liz you are being a bit dramatic, you can handle this I mean you have been through the rounds on so many levels. But your unsteady footing and being unsure of who you can and can't trust that is real.
First things first it wasn't just one thing. I think I have to go back a bit further then just this incident I have had several life changing events in the last decade. Through no fault of my own for the most part. But I have had to make life adjustments, start over and find my way on more then one time. That is not taking into account the things I have carried for other people I have chosen to do that one as well so no real blame other then myself. But my family has had some real doozies. We will just leave it at that.
How ever the this cookie crumbled it did.... and now to find a way to piece it back together. I don't think it will be easy. I have had trust broken from people I have been friendly to actual friends, family has turned out to be not so family like. My body had betrayed me in so many ways. I have had to try to start over from the bottom and that is not easy. This on top of losing those who mean so much to me, seeing those who don't deserve praise get ahead. I have had my character attacked. My family life attacked. people have snickered, pointed and talked about us. We have been the target of smear campaigns and hate. I say we have faced all of this but I have tried to smooth it out each time for everyone.
So when this person who obviously saw weakness at the moment took advantage it was just too much to handle it was just one straw too much and I broke. It truly wasn't my finest moment. I haven't never wanted to die. I have fought so hard to stay alive through every uphill battle. I am not a weak person never have been yet here I am frail unsure and starting over from the very bottom AGAIN.
The bonus question asked in every appointment I have is how do we prevent this from happening again? I do not have a clear answer at least one that would be acceptable to any medical professional at least. I am not that person. I will never let myself get to that place ever again. But how Liz. First things first I will be more honest with how I am feeling when I feel overwhelmed I just internalize it. Like I was taught just suck it up. Well I now know I can't do that because it becomes too much. I also have to be ok with just being enough for me, and having a little left over for the cubs. but then there lies a problem how much is enough.
Those kinds of questions don't really have an answer I suppose, play it by ear go on instinct be vigilant all that jazz I suppose. But first I have to familiarize myself with my new me. The one who doesn't have all the answers the one who has deep seeded fear and the one who worries. I don't like this new me. She doesn't trust anyone, let alone herself. So I guess I will have to work on that.
I am oh so grateful for those who have stood beside me know me and are being in my corner just know I see you and I am working on finding my way back to some resemblance of who I was it is just taking a bit of time. These next few days should be helpful with that.
Don't give up hope on me I am in there I am here somewhere. Until tomorrow I guess
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