I woke up this morning and I was so confused. I was confused about a few things but the one thing that confused me more then anything is how some people pretend to care. Yes I mean what I said they pretend to care, either for their own gratification or their need to be needed or shit just to find out first hand the gossip and be on the inside.
These are good doers the ones that always have advice for anyone going through anything. They know it all but they are pretending, because they never address their own issues no they instead interject themselves into others lives for a short amount of time and then move on.
We all know them professional grievers, first at a tragedy you know them I know them and they have always rubbed me the wrong way.
Now don't get me wrong I have asked for some time to heal I am not taking phone calls I am not really answering texts because I just don't trust myself just yet. But there are people who have reached out offered words of encouragement or just a little bit of a story of what I mean to them or whatever. I truly appreciate each and every one of those people I love those that are in my life. BUT there are also those who were first to be here, first to see the shit happen and then haven't tried to talk to me or anyone in my family. These are the people I know are the ones who are telling a story that isn't the truth, they couldn't possibility have all the facts yet I know they are speaking on my name.....
on my trauma. that idiotic word my trauma we all have trauma I just couldn't carry anymore, I know that is not the story being told in certain circles but whatever.
I have always lived by the creed don't judge others because we all have shit we have to weed through some of us are just better at it. I was usually one of those people.
I had a discussion with my husband, I told him he didn't do this to me, not alone, I did it to myself, I chose to carry too much try to be too much and this is the result of that.
My therapist asked me so what do you think you could have done differently? Now that is the million dollar question. How do we retrain our brain to care less, about what people who don't know you think? What about the people who do know you how do we control what they think .... the answer is you can't.
I have had to realize in the last week that the perception of you and the real you they have to be the same. It wasn't that I wasn't real but it is that I just picked and choose what I share. protect yourself. This opened me up to being attacked with things that couldn't be proven but also gave me enough doubt in me that it didn't matter.
Never give someone else that power. easier said then done for sure, but I am working toward that. so the new me the me that has a million flaws who doesn't have the answers and the one who is scared that is the new me.
Am I ok with that well I guess we will see. I am no longer going to be the fix it all. I can't be. Now the relearning starts and it starts with having people around me that want to be around me not because I need friends or family but because they want to be a part of my life just like I want to be part of theirs.
that saying power in numbers that is a myth I choose to believe its better to have 4 quarters then 10 dimes or 20 nickels yes they both add up to the same but the quality is what really matters don't spread yourself too thin.
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