Is there a higher power

 My entire life I have been curious about everything. One thing that has always baffled me is religion all religion. I am too practical, and I am just not ok with something forced on anyone. If you look at the history of religion through out time you see that who ever is in power uses their view on what heaven and hell are and that includes a lot of fear. 

Don't get me wrong you can believe whatever you want. It is not my mission in life to tell you what is real and what isn't. I do however read everything I can about all types of churches, I am more interested in why a group of people would believe something. I also find it interesting how they know for a fact that their way is the only way, I mean people have been being born and dying for centuries right? where are they all going? That's just how my brain works I can't help it.

Now we are Catholics, my children are baptized we attend church, but my relationship with the church is not as strong as it should be and I will never make my children choose that god. Each person and their relationship with whatever they believe should be their own. 

Someone asked me a while ago to explain the difference between our culture as Blackfoot people and religion, and there is a difference. Our culture is not a religion it is our way of life. Yes we pray and give thanks but it is a way of life, religion is structured and there is a good and bad a heaven and hell. Punishments for breaking commandments.

Ok Liz why are you touching this hot button item..... you promised your therapist you wouldn't be political..... Stay with me here this is important.

First of all what I did was a mortal sin, according to my religion, I know this it has been told to me murder is bad killing of ones self is the ultimate form of such. With that in the back of my mind always thou shall not...... 

You would think maybe I would have had pause, but I didn't I didn't even think twice I honestly believed I would see my mother, grandparents, my sister...... but how if there is a heaven and hell. Didn't even factor in. 

In the ambulance I remember two things I remember the paramedic in the back with me knew my daughter and I know I saw my mother. Sounds silly I know physically she wasn't there, maybe it was all in my mind, maybe she was meeting me at the gates of the sandhills to tell me no, who knows. But I did see her and she wasn't happy to see me.

Now no Catholic  would ever say oh you were visited by a loved one. That crap doesn't happen but it did so where does that leave me. More questions then answers. always seems to be the more I look deep the more questions I have.

I can shrug that away I guess. 

So the damage I did to myself had to do with both my kidneys and my heart. needless to say I started to have heart failure late Monday night, listening to the doctors and nurses say there wasn't anything else they could do for me was a bit alarming to say the least, you woke me up to tell me that I wasn't going to make it, I wanted to just go to sleep somehow you guys are making this a big deal now.......

I know the power my mother in law has in her prayers, there is a saying a lot of us are still here because of grandma's prayers. Believe it people. 

I don't think I was scared but I was worried because my kids were there, my husband was there, so I made a silent vow, a promise to our creator. That is between him and I and I will fulfill it, but I know that is why I am still here. 

I know I was in bad shape I am still pretty weak for sure, but I am on the other side now. Was it God or was it our creator are they the same thing?

Religion is really a comfort for the unknown it's a way for us to believe that we will go on somehow somewhere. 

I see people who attend church and pray but can be the most unkind to others the other six days a week and then I see those who are humble and kind and don't set foot in a church so what do I believe. I guess like I said it is a personal belief in what gives me comfort.

What gives me comfort right now is knowing that I have a creator, he has given me a second chance and that you do not leave this world until whatever job you have to do is completed. 

I also know now that there are people in this world who are not kind, they are spiteful mean and will tear you down to try to make themselves feel better. That is not anything new to me, I had just not dealt with that in over 20 years. I guess the lesson I have learned is that I need to always be aware of my surroundings and stop being so trusting in the world. 

I am not sure if any of this even matters to anyone but me but I know I needed to go through this in my head. some one said thank the lord your still here.......

Um ok you can thank him and I will thank the creator both of them must have had a hand in it. And I will not waste the second chance I have been given. No more waiting for the cancer to eat me up  I have some living to do.

Now how to break it to my husband that I want a tattoo Ha ha welcome to the new Liz get on board or get out of the way.