My entire life I have never been the weak one, suck it up......
At five I broke my arm playing with all my cousins who happen to be boys. I was told quiet directly that if I cried I would NEVER be able to play with them again. I promptly got up and walked in my grandparents house laid on the couch and never whimpered once. I don't know how many hours later my grandfather came home asked why I was just laying inside I said oh I'm just tired. I don't remember the pain at all I do however remember I got to ride in an ambulance and got McDonalds. That was amazing.
Life gets hard you don't cry about it you just figure a way through it. I have had to leave in the middle of the night because of some bullshit my father was on about one thing or another. Thankfully I had my cousin who is like my sister and best friend all rolled into one. She saved me so many times. But no tears. nope you just get through it.
I have so many examples. Appendix needed to be removed I drove myself to hospital, and then checked myself out the next day. Shattered my arm went to a rodeo with the family the next weekend because I couldn't disappoint my child. Part of my colon removed home the same day. same with every surgery I have ever had. I don't have time to be sick or hurt or weak.
Part of the problem part of why I broke so bad is because I have always been so strong. I push past the pain put it away and deal. If it's losing someone, if its an emergency of some kind..... no one has time for mom to fall apart I have to hold it together.
I had a conversation with my cousin who could be my twin we have grown up together and are still so close, he knows me as well as I know myself. He told me I couldn't hide shit from him he knew something was wrong even before I did. I just couldn't verbalize it still having trouble doing it. But he knew. He talked some sense into me today.
He reminded me that we are stronger then we realize that we have lived through more then most people have ever, and it's ok to be sad but pull your self up and keep on moving. I broke because I became stagnant I forgot to keep moving forward, got comfortable.
People are always going to hate on you speak ill of your name it's up to you do fight it off ignore it or just say fuck it. Somewhere in the last week I forgot all that.
I told him I was tired of fighting tired of being sick. I said it's unfair there are people who are addicts who live healthy lives for decades I feel like my body betrayed me. It isn't fair. But that is life and I can either cry about it or get the fuck over it.
I have been living in this holding pattern for the last little while afraid to bite the bullet afraid to do much of anything fighting illness will do that to you I suppose. But I can't keep doing this to myself.
What was said to me how it was said that was designed to hurt to cut me and it did. But I am not broken. I am me I have fought and won every battle put in my path.
As the big little brother said when are we done being sad and when do we start kicking ass. I guess right now I was trying to not be angry I was trying to be kind but that isn't my defense I fight back I fight my way out and now it's time to start fighting.
Fighting for me. I do not need to replay what happened it already happened and I am still here. so starting today I start living for me. My family is welcome to come along but at this point this is about me and I will be ok.
I went out did a photoshoot today and although the fear of outside sat in my stomach I powered through and I realized those that know me and love me will always be there and I can't stop living just because someone else wants my life. Not many people are built to handle what I have lived through what I have and not many can battle for their life in so many ways like I have so sorry but you can never be me and I am stronger because of your weakness.
You played your hand. I folded but I am still in the game, This time I am ALL IN so bring it.
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