acceptance

Today is a hard day to write, I can't lie. What more can I share and still keep some for myself. When does this become entertainment for the masses apposed to what is meant to be healing for me. I was warned about this I would start to second guess what I share it would prevent me from actually getting close to what is really at the heart of my lowest lows. so through gritted teeth I am going to power through todays chapter in my story.......

Today I need to address the real problem ..... I know as a child I would hear this saying I want to pin it on good ol' Pops but it could have just as easily been one of the cousins or even my Grandma.

You are smartest dumbass kid alive. 

Yeah it's me I'm the problem it's me.

I never should have trusted that much in other people. I should have double checked all the things my social media friends, people who lurked too long asked personal questions people..... why was I so trusting.

Those of us who are native women, or just natives in general, we know ..... whispers, gazes if a room goes quiet the moment you walk in.

Jealousy..... longing for something you have and they don't

Don't ACT better then me because.... 

We misdirect and finger point to take the heat off ourselves and put it on who ever is the subject of the gossip that is currently going around. Now don't pretend you don't do it because we are all guilty......

So for the next little while I guess......

It's me I'm the problem ME.

Oh how far they fall, acting like a perfect family, wow those are some skeletons in your closet. She got knocked off her high horse. 

I don't think I was ever on a high horse, I have always been too honest about most things, MOST Things how ever I did keep secrets from the world for personal reasons. For my own sanity but most importantly I just didn't want anyone of you to have the ammo to shoot holes through my life. This didn't start with my marriage and children this has been my entire life.

Now I know some of you are waiting thinking oh she's going to make some huge revelation some TEA as the kids say to store away for a time that I am riding high in the saddle and I need to be knocked back down to earth. No some secrets will be kept from you things I won't speak of publicly but those are also things that I have to unpack alone with a box of kleenex and a therapist in a room alone. This public story is just that and the real healing is going to be for me.

Anyway ....... like or not this is whatever this is for me to regain my life my story not some BS cooked up story with a million holes. 

It has always been hard for me to go out in public, I always felt that people could see the real me through whatever I was wearing, driving, how well spoken you are that shit doesn't matter in my own insecurity I have convinced myself that people can see that I am not perfect. 

I was never not honest with my husband he knows all my baggage, ALL of it (this is were you would insert a hand on face emoji) so although I put armor on in public I have always been honest with him, and my children but I have always skated around it with anyone else. 

He has always known some of my insecurities. One of my biggest fears has always been that my life would mirror my mothers........

again Liz again with her......

YEAH because it wasn't a good part of her life and I can see the parallels, In the last years of her life she was not able to work full time, she became less of her legacy and more of a shell of herself. This woman who fought for her people her entire life was reduced to a shell of that person, living so far from home that she was alone yet she stayed for her children. 

In those last years I although I was right along side her I couldn't save her from this. Watching her reduced to this is one of my biggest fears. 

I couldn't let the life I built be torn down with my fears, yet here we are, I let my fear become a reality, and I didn't see it coming.

However this person gathered the weapons needed to wound me almost fatally they knew, if they kicked one leg out of my foundation I would topple that isn't ok. 

But the more important thing is I can rebuild for the simple fact I have been doing it for so long that it isn't anything new.

Now for the truth bomb, for the last two years our entire family has been swinging wildly trying to figure out how to navigate a world where we didn't make a move without my father in law. My husband and Son were learning a whole new world where he wasn't there and although it was hard on the women of our family the men are struggling more. Again, this isn't their story it's mine and I am only addressing what I had control of. So this is my part of this no one else.

I have been working so hard to make it easier for them, holding down the fort figuring out what was next for this family. As a child we went without a lot. So as long as there is a roof over our head, food in the fridge, and gas in the car we are good. But a full time job, I physically I couldn't do it with my treatments, along with my injury and long term shit. 

So where is this rambling going Liz? what point are you trying to get to.....

For every year Him and I are together there have been those who revel in our falls. And there has been some pretty bad stumbles. But we had each other to lean on and we had that support from his dad. Nothing was ever that bad because like me his dad worked hard to make sure the entire family was ok he would stay up late each night making moves fixing issues and putting out fires. 

 So start of this wasn't because of one thing, I have been trying to keep everyone around me ok I forgot about me. there are 24 useable hours in each day but I still didn't have enough in the tank to use any of that time on myself.

I was burning the candle at both ends, and forgetting to take care of Liz. that is not an excuse I can't make excuses I made the choice to focus on the big things, and lil ol me well she just wasn't big enough to give a second thought to.

So here I was focusing on fixing what I could I couldn't see the evil right on our doorstep, Wait that is a bit of an oversell,  I don't want to generalize this Evil is a big ticket word. But sinister maybe that was a better term. This wasn't evil I had seen evil first hand. 

No this wasn't pure evil it was someone else who had their own sense of desperation, their own ideas of what I had.

HAVE this is my life they can have their own..... do whatever you need to do if it was that easy to destroy me I would have been long gone years ago.

I left the house yesterday and even if when people saw me they whispered or snickered I didn't fall from the outside I am ok. 

I have chosen to do this publicly and I think because of that so much of the whispers don't carry as much weight. I feel parts of the old Liz peaking through. I am so mad at myself for being weak, but I also have to face that I was weak because I tried to be strong for too too long. sadly a lot of these are going to be rambling testing myself on what is ok to share, what isn't because truthfully I brought my self to this point and only I can bring myself through it.

my lesson for today is easy enough accept responsibility some answers don't have answers, and you can fall to your lowest point and still get back up and keep on going. Only you have that power, no one should ever be able to take you down. You have met some horrible beings in this world, gone through so much before your fall that it can be forgiven. 

But first you have to accept that no matter the words used actions taken you can only lose what you put out there. People are going to judge and talk no matter what. 

So I am working on acceptance, and forgiveness I have to forgive myself. I have to know deep down what I have done in my life and it was to build something better then I had. I contemplated maybe deleting all my social media, but I have never ran away from anything,  So still I stand. battered and a little more leery of everyone but I am still here. I might be able to share more of me tomorrow or not but this is my healing journey and I am writing the story and I will choose what I bring to light.

Just keep Swimming

So here we are day 4 after....... so so many burning questions. I mean I have them too so how can I even be ok.

I know the burning question everyone has it's the question I have had from the moment I woke up, in this new world this after..... 

For longer then I have been an adult it has been him and I. That statement is crazy how do I navigate anything in this world without first checking with him? I don't have an answer..... not for that question. I got way to comfortable I guess, I got complacent in my life.

Now I need to make one thing clear to me.... then by proxy to you all as well, there wasn't a moment HE SAID anything. He wasn't done, He didn't leave, somehow he didn't really factor into this. What I did was selfish, one sided, and like I have said so many times, it was just the last straw I didn't have anymore in the tank to fight this battle, prove my side and keep my life. 

Me the person who never backed down in a fight, me the person who always was the know it all. I was just done. But how did I get to this point the point that I couldn't muster another argument, the point where there wasn't a way.

How how how..... I think the better question is why.

My entire life I have been putting out fires, more times then not they were not my fires they were whatever was happening around me. I was 5 years old and trying to parent my parent. That is not an exaggeration in our life I was always more levelheaded then my mother. She knew it and she knew she could always turn to me for help if she needed it. 

Was it a personality type or was it a deep need to be needed? Maybe it is a mixture of both. I will walk through the pits of hell to help someone who means anything to me, late nights of making things perfect, make sure they understand that it's no problem, I can fix that I can do that. One of my favorite things to say is if you want it done right do it yourself.

I am a control freak, I can't just let things play out I have to help it along. I can't stand to see disappointment,  I have worked to ensure that my kids my husband do not ever have to deal with hurt, deal with it not working out. Let me fix it, let me see what I can do. 

Since I was a teenager I have worked on my relationships I have always worked hard to make sure everything is ok..... OK what a term, what does that even mean.... no let's not get sidetracked I am trying to understand and to understand I must be honest about who I am.

I don't want to unpack my relationship with my mom, I think that will take more time, more reflection and a lot of hurt..... the way others viewed her and the way I did never seemed to line up when she was alive. She was this ray of light to so many other people they looked to her, she had the answers, but to me she wasn't that she always seemed to flighty too free spirited. I was always so angry when it came to her. And in the end I didn't look at her lovingly I was angry at her for becoming what she had always warned me never to become. DEPENDANT on others. She knew it and apologized for being weak. I asked her in one of our last conversations I asked her why she had LET herself get here. She told me one day you will understand one day it will become clear. But her story is not this maybe someday I will tackle who she was but first I have to untangle who I am and why I let myself get to this point. 

I haven't looked in a mirror in 5 days avoided it actually afraid of what I would see in my own reflection. would it still be me or changed somehow?  Looked this morning nope from the outside it's still me. What a letdown. This huge event just happened and I do not look any different. figures, the most painful scars a person can have are on the inside. 

Him and I there is no him without I and vise versa. He has always been the one constant for all of my adulthood, did we fight and argue yes, was there some very toxic very horrible things in our past yes, but that goes with anyone. There are not fairytales.

Some might try to romanticized our life together awe you met when you were 14 and your still together. there was a lot in-between all of that. So much just like any other relationship. But forgiveness was one thing I always made sure I had. Let's not sugarcoat this our first years together were rocky. But somehow we always found our way back like a warm blanket. 

As I unpack this last straw and what and why it got to me I am starting to realize it was never about him leaving me because he isn't ever going to leave me I am sure of that he does love me, or need me or I am his comfortable blanket. Whatever it is toxic or not I was not sure of but we are a we. He said something on the long drive home on Tuesday morning.

I can't go on if your not here I had come to terms with that, if you leave me alone I'm not going to be ok.

This statement, and my need to make sure everyone is ok all the time really fucked with my already muddled mind.

But I didn't do this to him I did this to me...... was this a cry for help...... I don't think so. or maybe it was shit I really don't know. What I do know is I am tired. Tired of fighting every fight. 

This statement is going to cause more questions then give answers......

I did not want to die. I just couldn't see a fix anymore. My core being was rocked. I started to question every second every word everything. And all I saw was blackness. Never in my entire life had I ever been that low. I always found a way. ALWAYS until this moment. 

Now five days out I am realizing the fear I had was of being a failure. I failed as a wife as a mother, no that is not true. My fear was that I would be perceived as a failure. The image of failing was scary. But it was an illusion it wasn't real. We have a good life. Not perfect but letting someone else dissect and destroy it for their own personal reasons. I am not going to speak on this or even the call anymore they do not deserve any more time or space in my head.

I am choosing to believe in my life. what I worked so hard to build everything isn't a lie the more I take apart whatever was said the more I understand that isn't even possible. 

So then how did they know so much I guess that is a question they will have to answer why are you watching someone else's life studying it so that you can what? what did they want? and why no I do not need those answers. I just need to know what I am doing with my life.

So this many days out I have realized I am not going anywhere. I have things to rebuild better stronger, but I am given that chance. They are faceless, I could not pick them out of a crowd, truthfully I don't care to. 

there are things I do need to fix, on the top of this list is me. somewhere in the last 33 years I have become someone I do not like I have to find me again. independent of anyone else. So does this mean I am in the selfish phase of my life maybe. Not angry not bitter. I just need to find some sense of joy. Not gratification. I don't need to find joy by giving all of myself to others I need to find joy in me in what I like and what I want. so I guess the next few days I will look at that. 

What do I like.... well I like this I like writing. strange but I do. I like seeing smiles, I like trying new things, but I also like my own little bubble. And while doing this little experiment sharing of myself I have invited you all in and I know I can't trust you all but the time for masks and protection is gone. The world deserves to know the real me not some image that others put out about me. Not the story others have told of me. I am in there wanting out and now to find a way.

I woke up for the first time in years hopeful. Hopeful for what is next. I can't make people stay with me on this journey if it becomes to uncomfortable for them I understand. I have raised my family I am in the next chapter and it is up to each one of those in my life to join in or walk away. My choices not everyone will agree with and I am ok with that. I have to do what is best for me. I do need people in my corner but I am not going to beg for it. I will be ok eventually and that has to be enough for me.

As for him the question you all have. well I can't just throw away an entire life. Like I said relationships are give and take. Because we are a we, we will figure it out. I am not believing in him I am believing in me, and what I built he is just part of it. I am not a weak person, I am not stupid, and I know exactly what I am doing. I have to give it a chance. What I did taking every other person out of it was unfair, to every person I care for. I know that and that is the real struggle I am having. But as for what I am going to do I am going to rebuild from the rubble with those who matter to me. that is all I can do. 

I tell my kids all the time you have to keep moving keep swimming or you will sink. I was treading water and I started to sink. Now it is time to swim. 

From the beginning so it shall be

 Once upon a time........

I have always been a night owl sleep although I do love it has always alluded me, some nights I can't shut my mind off and tonight is no different.

Tonight my thoughts have gone way back all the way to the 8th grade to be exact. That is the time when I first met my husband. Such a long long time ago......

But it was also a time when I had my own point of view, I was already becoming who I am today I just didn't know it then.

I did have a very small group of core friends but I also was friends with people outside that group of girls. I want to be very very clear, I had moments of kindness but I was not the nicest person in the room, I knew 3 things, I knew I was cute, I knew I was original and I knew at all costs I had to pretend.

Sometimes when I think back I think gosh was I a phony person, I molded who I was depending on what group of people I was hanging with at that moment. My core group of buddies I just didn't measure up to them, but I had one thing going for me I was new. But then again at that very time we all were, there was a mass exodus to enroll your children in school on the reservation so we were all finding our way together. Although my mom was one of the administrators of the division I wasn't like all the other kids, but god knows I couldn't let them know.

It's crazy now as an adult looking back what is they say hindsight is 20/20 that is true for sure. There are people who still look at me with a fear in their eyes and I vaguely remember them or how mean I was to them. Then it comes back to me, and then I wince inside I could have been better but I could never risk the truth coming out so I went along with the crowd. That is still the case right now I still try to be kind when I can but the mean person I was as a teenager comes out more often then not.

My mother in all her wisdom she taught me so much but the lesson I learned from childhood was you don't have to be right Lizzie you just have to make your point and stick to it. She would tell me that there are always shades of grey always, right and wrong live right inside of there. I have lived my entire life that way. You don't have to be right you just have to win the arguments. Don't take a stand unless you can defend it. So I always looked for all the possible outs before I spoke. 

They are going to say or do this or that be ready have a rebuttal be ready win the fight. You know there is a grey area and we will end up in that space. That is until this..... this thing I didn't look for the answers before, I didn't see the grey area in it I only saw Black and White. And that my friends was my fatal flaw. 

I still have so many of my friends from my youth and I am still friendly with so many more. I am grateful for my time with each of them they also helped shape me and I know this. Shit I still have the same Red Haired boy hanging around even after all of this, or is it that I am still hanging around him? I guess it's one of those grey areas.

He told me when we were 15 that he was going to marry me and I held him to it, it just took us a while to get there. My mind is murky but I do know that for sure. That did happen, that was black and white. How and why well those areas are grey. 

18 years old is pretty young looking back shit I thought I knew so much, I didn't look for all the possible outs I didn't think twice. I made choices and like always I defended them. I still defend them I made those choices and I regret nothing.

I made a choice and I have lived by that choice to this day, marriage is forever...... no outside kids no quitting on each other through it all, All the bad ..... we will get to that. And all the good..... that is the part you all know and can see on all my social media pages. Did I make the right choice why in the HELL and I questioning this now? My life happened it did. I am here I am breathing. I made it through the fire and am still standing chard and burnt but I am still here. I regret nothing..... well except for one thing. That thing the INCIDENT.

I was never insecure in my identity ever. Embarrassed at times maybe but never insecure. My relationship was filled with so many peaks and valleys so so many, when people tell you a marriage takes work they aren't fucking kidding. I tell my children now, in order to make a relationship work any relationship you have to be willing to give some of you up to become a "WE" meeting in the middle sometimes you give more take less and vice versa. Forgiveness is huge, you have to forgive a hell of a lot in order for it work. So don't do it until you are ready to give of yourself freely because if it's not a team it won't work.

Are we in this together? Am I not seeing what I should? I have never doubted for one second until now. We worked so hard to get here, I WORKED SO FUCKING HARD TO GET HERE. I gave up so much to be Liz Fox. I did, and never regret any choice I made but is Liz Fox still there or is it just another example of my mind and my heart only seeing black and white and not the grey area in the middle.

I don't talk of this often but when I found out I was pregnant I had a conversation with my mother, she was pissed to put it mildly. "God Damn it Lizzie. What about school? you were already accepted."  I sat and thought about it, before I could get the words out she said " You can do it alone, it's possible." She had wrote my husband out of the equation before I even told him. Black and White her grey was I was going to be a single parent. " No mom let me think, let me talk to him." 

"if you go to him you stay with him Liz." She didn't want me to not go to school she wanted more for me then she had I see that now but her way of doing it wasn't all that productive.

So one late night outside his ranch I told him...... then blurted out I can do this alone I am just telling you that's all you don't have to do nothing. I'll be gone after summer is over. 

He looked out the window for a bit then turned and said I told you I was going to marry you so Just stay. 

Just stay...... 

He said the same thing when I sent for him on Monday night when the doctors told me my heart was starting to fail. 

He came in the room sat in silence for a bit, looked at me with fear and said you don't have to leave me Just stay here Just stay.

All of this happened. It wasn't an illusion this is my life no matter what they said. Right? This is my truth my world......

I don't know I still don't know. But thinking back is helping me to find my footing. 

I know that I was never perfect my marriage my life everything had flaws. But I am ok with that, I picked my position in that grey area and I am defending it.

As Maya Angelou said so famously:

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better DO BETTER."

and that is all I can do, I know better now so I shall try to do better.

Trust

 So this is day 3..... so anti climatic wouldn't you say counting down the days after. I promised myself that I would address my thoughts daily and that is almost scarier then any other thing I have ever done in my life. 

So what do I feel the need to get off my chest today? Nothing I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I want to disappear pretend that it was one week ago maybe if I went back in time then maybe a lot of this shit would never have happened. I was ok, no one is perfect but I was ok with my life.

So maybe today I think in grand terms of life and love and all that contains in our little worlds. I have the privilege and curse of being the first daughter, oldest child in an Indian home every Indian woman knows that means you are a second mother babysitter, auntie, caregiver for your parents, everything. Then you decide you want to be a wife...... oh now you take on a whole other person whom sadly you have to continue to raise while you are trying to raise babies. No I do not regret one moment or choice I have made, before this thing I did this stupid fleeting thought I had. 

Native women are the strongest people I know, but we also have so many balls in the air all the time. I was giving a talk one time about how we are expected to be all these thing all the time and a non native person asked me how do I think we as a people deal with the trauma ..... that knocked me back on my heels for a second. We all know we have the trauma yes. But we don't address it we just move forward dealing with it by laughing, cooking throwing ourselves into our families promising silently I am going to be a better parent wife sister excreta. 

What I did was a sign of weakness in most peoples eyes, Shit it's weakness in my eyes. 

My eyes..... who did I see when I look at myself? Somewhere over time I was the mom who did all the cool things with her kids, but also the parent that was the scariest one, Ha ha I chuckle when I think of that because it was always a mask. The worry I have constantly about the dangers in the world, wanting to protect my cubs because I know what I have lived through so that they would never have to. If I wasn't the mom I was the wife, the Rodeo Wife, the one who was the glue dealing with all the things making sure everything was always ok. 

That title Wife..... it's almost a weapon in itself. we can wield it when we needed to it is a powerplay every rodeo wife knows what I mean. But that also is a mask of insecurity of doubt. Hey wait why is she looking at me like that who is that ..... never mind we are a happy home we all have struggles but we are a unit.

I keep thinking back over my 33 years as a wife and mother, in the beginning it was hard. I can't lie about that. But it got easier, we had happy we had unity we had each other the 4 of us. My in-laws became my family we did everything together so I slowly moved away from my own family to just being part of theirs. After my mom died I realized two things, every family member I had was no longer here beside me in this country, and that I was becoming more dependent on my In-laws. There is nothing wrong with that in a perfect world except we don't live in a perfect world now do we.

as I laid in the hospital, I had this feeling it was the same exact feeling I had as I swallowed those pills. 

Yes I have people who love me. Yes there are so many people here that care, but I am alone. My first thought was my mom......

I know I said I wouldn't speak on other peoples trauma but I am sure she wouldn't mind.

My mother she was someone who was so smart, on so many levels. We didn't come from money in fact we worked hard each day to be a better person make your way. She was what some would classify a radical Indian you know the arm in the air AIM warriors that was her. Always learning. Always Lizzie.

She did so much before she had kids, and after, but her last years she was isolated and alone. She would come visit and say when it was her time she would want to go home to her family. She knew even though there were people here who cared for her, her family wasn't here. I made that happen for her, and sadly now I know what she meant. 

Anyway I always think of that saying alone in a crowded room. Yeah I get it. I've gotten pretty good at knowing everyone but still being totally alone. Who can you really trust with your secrets? Who really knows you? 

TRUST....

God knows I can't trust myself I was duped either an entire lifetime or for 15 minutes either way I couldn't trust myself, can I trust me now? Are my eyes clear can I see what is in front of me or is not real. 

They knew too much ..... I felt violated..... I still feel that way. Who's watching me to see me slip to take advantage if I let my guard down. And why? 

3 days "After" and I am still unsure of everything in my life. Is this my life was I just a placeholder. 

I know words are just that words.... but hey those words had so much venom on them so much distain for me for what I had built. They knew too much. How dare they know so much. HOW DARE THEY.

Well I haven't cried in about 2 hours so that is progress right......

I am trying to get to the point where I can trust myself first because I can't trust my surroundings I am starting over. The old Liz would have just sat down and figured out a way to destroy any negative arrows thrown my way, BUT THEY KNEW TOO MUCH. 

Anger is fleeting its fear I feel. That is something new for me I have never feared things in my life I wasn't even scared through all the cancer I just handled it. But this has me shaken. Who am I? 

I spent the day trying to reflect on things. watching 90's Romcoms reciting my favorite lines.

"He's just a man on a horse baby girl"

"Laughter through tears is the best Medicine."

"Once upon a time baby girl your momma knew what it meant to shine."

has anything become any clearer in my muddled mind? No not really, I still have the same doubts same shaky hands. Someone knocked on the door and I went and hid. 

My goal for tomorrow trust yourself a little more. You can do this. Maybe..... No you can you are the first born daughter you have fought many battles and learned so many lessons tomorrow you will see, everything you have faced so far has been fuel to fight this battle..... Come on Liz snap the fuck out of this.

Maybe tomorrow I will be that warrior I was raised to be maybe. Either way I will be back here spilling my guts. and If they are watching you didn't end me you just broke me and I will be back better then ever.

Those five little words

 After my first late night session with what the cool kids call their Therapist .... Wait everyone calls them that so I am already one strike behind. He suggested that because I like to write stories and it is also a very good tool to help you heal from all that broke you that maybe I write a blog post for two weeks straight and see how that goes. there were some caveats for this endeavor:

Number one it has to be about me all about me my life what brought me to my incident (he didn't call it that I did) don't shy away from the parts that you feel need to be seen.

Number two be willing to take criticism about it because if you are doing this publicly then you are opening yourself up to every arm chair author and their mothers as well. Judgement is a hard pill to swallow but he seems to think I have the armor to deal with it so great.

Number three and most important don't get political, this is not for that and most political ideas are polarizing and that isn't what needed. You Liz need to get some of what is inside your mind out so that there is room to let the good in.   

Of course I put my own rule on this entire thing and he said that was fine..... I can not project what happened on anyone it was my choice nothing forced me to do what I did and every sentence every word must reflect that fact. 

Ok good sir I am in!! I have always fancied myself a writer and what is easier to write then your own life. But also I need to heal, in so many ways. There is a lot of baggage I carry that isn't my own and I am not going to share any of that but I also have a lot I need to heal from so you all that have decided to click on the link or found this well you all get to join me on this wild journey of healing. I don't plan on using names ever if you know me personally you will know who my husband kids and family are the rest of you just imagine who we might be. 

Sooooooooo Day two out of the hospital post life changing event, "How are You Doing Liz".  There it is those five words that people ask either in passing or out of a a need to find out the details of a story they heard. Either way this is the hardest question in the world to answer. Do you answer truthfully that you can't find your footing just yet and that you spent the entire day replaying every moment that left you where you are now. Do you talk about the tears that come in waves because your entire soul was crushed. Or do you answer like I always do......

"I'm ok everything is fine."

But that is the exact statement that has covered up so much in my life for so long. Oh you lost your mom how are you 

"I'm ok everything is fine."

with every traumatic event in my life I have answered this question the exact same way. knowing deep down I have to be the strong one. I have always been the go to person I can fix that, I can find a way. 

I have never let a setback be the end of that. door closes go around and find another way in. windows backdoors shit knock the walls down. No is never a final answer. BUT am I still that person? Did the core parts of me break? I always have attacked everything with the same outlook there is the answer you want you just have to look deep enough, try every angle, don't ever give up. 

I am so sorry about your illness "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm ok everything is fine."

So you may be asking the same question that I keep asking myself what then could break a person who no matter what never looked at the world with tears in their eyes. Why if you are such a force of perseverance did you break in the worst possible way. Not looking for the way around not kicking the walls in to escape instead of .........

Oh your entire family was rocked to it's core when you lost your father in law "How are you doing Liz?"

"I'm OK I'M FINE!!!"

Am I though? Can I just put blinders on for every event and be strong carry on. There is a saying I have always loved "Be careful of the Blackfoot even their women are warriors." My people we are strong resilient fighters. FULL STOP. I know this to my core, so if this is the case how in fucking hell was I so weak for one moment, how did I let this break me? So many questions running through my mind. I keep dancing around the question you all have right now by deflecting avoiding and pretending there isn't a huge elephant staring at us all.

I can't just simply answer those five words right now. Not in the way you would like me to, in a way that I would like me to. My center has always been one thing I know who I am comfortable in my skin knowing everything that has happened was because I had made that choice. But that center is off balance,  They did that but why did I let them? 

HOW THE FUCK did I let them do this to me. No I don't let people just do to me, I am not a child I am Liz..... yet here we are, they did. So what now. 

I went digging yes. I needed to know yes. That is on me but in all truth I was still confident I held the stronger foothold you don't go in to battle unless you have a stronger advantage. 

Was this a blitz attack? no I brought the fight to them. And I almost lost. They were sneaky. they attached themselves to my family in ways I didn't see coming and they used that as weapons. That angers me, that isn't a fair fight. 

WHO DOES THAT. I am still questioning every word I heard can that be true no it can't because this or that. What if I was that blind. AM I THAT STUPID?

Always be the smartest person in the room. Never say I don't know ......Lizzie if someone asks you a question and you don't have the answer you say I'll find out and then make sure you always have an answer.

Yet I don't know. I am afraid of the answers and this is all new to me. I am so angry at myself. I am so angry at them. Can I find Liz? or some remnants of her anywhere? Or do I start all over and say fuck it all.  I could have done that instead of what I did. 

My grandpa used to say you can shit in one hand and wish in the other see which fills up first. Well I wish I didn't do this but shit I surely did and now I have to find my way out of it. 

Your world was altered in so many ways "How are you doing Liz?"

...............

The jury is still out one that one guys 

I know two things 2 days out of the lowest point of my life and that is saying a lot I have had so many lows that I have battled to be me I wore all those battle scars, with the knowing I am making this choice and I can live with every outcome, but for the first time in my life I do not know I do not have the answers and I am afraid. I have never been fearful, and I have faced some monsters in my life. There was always a way out there was always a answer. Till now. 

I worry not so much for me I worry for my family. What I did to them for selfish reasons. having people check in on me is new. Don't worry guys I won't do it again. That I do know for sure. 

Why then take a full bottle of sleeping pills if you are so fucking strong? If you won't ever do it again.

Because I do know one thing that part of Liz the part that never gives up she didn't die she might have been critically wounded but she is still here and I will continue slowly, shaky and unsure for a bit but I will find my way. Because that is who I am.

So with tears in my eyes I say

"I'm Ok I'll be fine."

We are all damaged some of us just wear it better

In the day and age in the age of Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat, all of trying to learn the new Tic Tok dances and post the perfect Instagram picture somehow we have convinced ourselves that our lives are needing to be perfect. We can't have these blemishes we can't have flaws. Your life must appear to be perfect. We have become accustom to only show the shiny parts of ourselves. This fact is a horrible side affect of the Social media age, a time when the pressure to be perfect is so great that an entire generation of humans are struggling with feelings of inadequacies and the rise of mental illness is on the rise. Or maybe it is just more apparent because we all share so much. Who really knows and all the studies are not really that clear.

Although I grew up in a generation before the internet was really a thing yup I am one of those Gen X'ers one of the chosen few who came of age in both before and after. As such we are stronger then most. In our day if someone had something to say they said it to your face. That approach saved a hell of a lot of heartache and misunderstanding. But in a sense we have all adapted to this media age where we have to share everything with everyone. I know none of you care what I had for dinner yet I will and am sharing that shit with you. We all scroll aimlessly on whatever app our phone has open and are force fed images and stories of who's wearing what and who is cool and god forbid who isn't.  We find solace in numbers, adding as many people as we can our friends list is like a badge of honor we all wear. the little thumbs up sign or heart at the bottom of a post gives us endorphins and is fueling our self-worth. None of this however really shows the struggles all of face on a daily basis. None of this covers up the things that are happening in the moments leading up to or after that post has been uploaded. 

This all brings me to my first Blog post I have been trying to decide how to start a blog for quite a while with the same inflated self-worth as everyone else I foolishly believe you all want to read this. knowing deep down no you really don't want or need to. I too am guilty of only showing the shiny parts the perfection that I think is my life. Never letting the real me show through entirely until now. Last night as I lay at the hospital after doing the most selfish thing I could ever attempt and the nurse and doctor from the Psych ward came to talk to me, I told them what had let me to this point and how I wasn't having a breakdown, I knew better and I would never attempt this again. How I have always been the levelheaded one weighing my options always being so confident in my way. Did I always make the right choice no but did I own every choice I have ever made DAMN RIGHT I do. That ownership included this and every person my actions hurt along the way. I told them trough tears what had brought me and that bottle of pills to this point. How there was no other action I could have taken in that moment.  I was under a pile of rubble of pieces I was trying so hard to keep together and it took one person and her tales her hateful words to break me totally. 

In my eyes my world everything I knew for 33 years was a lie. I looked around my house and wondered about every choice I had made, every word spoken every thought every feeling was it all a lie how?  How did I the person who weighed every option get to this point how was I the fool How How How.

I don't need to go into the story that was spun or if I even believe it now, but at that moment there was no more Liz Fox. She didn't exist according to this person. They were the rightful owner to my life. They knew the real me and it was a fraud. And I believed them. I doubted everything I didn't trust in the things I had worked so hard to make happen. 15 minutes that is all it took to crush me and they knew it.

I am not big on regret ever I have always lived my life with you made the choice you make the most of that choice. BUT somehow all the choices I have made didn't have a foundation anymore. All the happy photographs in my mind they were now cloudy did any of it matter?  For the first time in my life I did the selfish thing, I didn't think of my children I didn't think of any of my loved ones, my life my my my that was the only thoughts I had. I wasn't scared I didn't pause I just acted. 

Flashes of EMTS my dogs being upset they were trying to reverse this. Just let me go it was all a lie all of it. every inner insecurity I have ever had flooded to surface of my mind in that time. No one likes you no one ever did. you are nothing you came from nothing you have nothing. your a fraud and it had been found out. Nothing was ever going to be the same. You all know now. I am not perfect. I am not the smartest person in the room. And my life is a lie. 

A lie A lie A lie.

As I was starting to wake more realizing what I had done all the people I just hurt with my actions. Did I do this for attention did I want to be found. No, No I didn't I didn't see a way out. For the first time in my life I couldn't do as my grandfather had taught me, I wasn't the smartest person in the room  I was the fool who believed. Now what? How do I fix this how do I go on. Believe me I had plenty of time alone hearing nothing but a heart monitor and my thoughts along with the tick tick tick of the clock.

Seeing the hurt in my kids eyes was the hardest thing to face. I didn't factor them or my new grandbaby into my selfish choice. I had always been the one with the answers. I had always been the compass for them now I am swinging wildly out of control. I did not want to face that disappointment. That guilt I will carry with me for the rest of my days. What about my husband .... then it was what about him. I needed to talk to him. But did I for myself or did I just want more hurt and I needed to have him do the hurting? 

Answers I needed answers and he had them. Or did he? Is he just the comfort blanket that would make me feel more in control. Who knows.

He didn't come. He wasn't allowed. Everyone blamed him. I BLAMED HIM. FUCK HIM..... 

No I can't have anger anymore that part died. So did my self confidence and assurance of who I am. This is a new world. One where the consequences of my selfish actions has to be at the forefront of every conversation I have at least for the time being. 

The physical damage I did was there for all time. Inner scars I will have to wear a constant reminder of my own moment of weakness. The emotional hurt I put on every person who loves me. for what a moment of weakness. my own I have to own this. 

I own this and I am reclaiming my power this is my life and only I get to write each page not that person who with 15 minutes and a story tried to destroy it all. Maybe their story is real maybe only parts of it are. But who I was before that call and after are totally different.

This is the new me. the one who has a few more war wounds, a crazy story, and is starting over without the shiny side that we show the world. I am tarnished I am not perfect. I have fallen as low as any person can fall. BUT I am here. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but I am in it and for that I am thankful. 

Am I afraid of what people will think maybe but the need to have my truth out there is important. I need to know that it was for something my selfishness wasn't just for vanity wasn't just for attention. I am not nothing I do mean something and maybe just maybe I can help someone. Or I just really want the clicks and thumbs up. Either way this is my truth, My messy truth, The one that needs to breath air so that me and my family can heal. 

If you want to gossip I say get it from the horses mouth. Well I am that horse and here it is from my mouth and no my story isn't over. There will be other stories to dwell on soon enough but for now you can chew on mine.

The Therapist suggested I write down what I thought to clear my mind. To help make sense of it all because I can't let the words dictate this new chapter. I can't let it rule who I am. And in this media age you all get to take this journey with me. The good the bad and all the in-between. 

I am sorry for the pain I have caused all those I love but I truly think I needed this to wake up to find my footing and to be a better parent, grandparent and human. 

If there is a tomorrow make the best of it because more then ever not everyone is guaranteed.