Facing fears and eating Arbys

 We all shy away from the difficult conversations no matter what they are. We would rather live with the discomfort of the thing eating us up from the inside rather then face the thing whatever it is and deal with it.

All families fight. But those that are true to themselves learn how to forgive, move forward and keep loving one another. At least in my world. I have had knock down drag out fights with cousins. Fists and angry words. But you know what I would give my life for any member of my family at any time. The kicker is I know within my family it would be the exact same for me. 

All families fight, again words of wisdom from my mother. " All families fight Lizzie, you aren't normal if you don't fight. We say what we need to say, cuss if you have to swing if it comes to that. Then it's done we move on as a family."

I kind of lost sight of that. You can say the horrible things to your family, the dark things that weigh you down. they are there to lift you up. Make you laugh and then we move forward, together. I didn't count on my family instead I tried to protect them from even me. 

It backfired they were there when I woke up the ones who mattered most my children. Phone calls from my extended family, for days and now weeks to remind me of who I am who we are and that I am never alone.

I am stronger because of my family who raised me and who I raised. It doesn't matter if 1000 people want to rain on my parade I am proud of the muck and shit I walked through to get to this point in my life.

I remember the only time in my entire life I went to jail........

I had just barely turned 17 thought I was grown.... you all know. We had snuck out the night before I was with my younger cousin, she was a little more free spirited then I was and I went home to my aunts house. She didn't, I heard my aunt say how much shit she was in so I called a friend of my big little brother to give me a ride. I found her. 

At a fucking house party in the middle of the day...... so was it was in Browning..... the friend came in with me looked around and promptly left my ass there. I would have done the same damn thing. I found her hanging with a bunch of kids in a room just as I found her the cops came. Now I am from Canada now and I didn't know the golden rule..... RUN.

Needless to say I wound up in the back of a cop car, trying unsuccessfully to talk my way out of the handcuffs they had me in. I was going to jail ..... oh shit my mom is going to kill my ass. I guess I wont be visiting in Browning for a while. 

We got into the Jail we didn't go into a cell we were in a holding room, me and the cousin. Her mom came in and began to let's just say give her some punishment. The cops finally ask auntie what you want to do with them .... "leave their asses in here." 

The little cousin she got released to another cousin who she was staying with..... My mom was in Canada, so I was SOL I spent the night in jail trying to save the cousin and she was sleeping in a warm bed. I was so mad but also so relieved she was ok.

Moral of the story sometimes we go through the worst shit to protect those we love and we get the shit end of the stick, BUT your family they will do the same for you. Everyone was so apologetic after this and I wasn't even mad. I had a cool jail story didn't get my ass beat by mom and it all worked out so in the end it was ok.

Why share that story to show how you have to let your guard down to save those who need it she didn't know she needed me to save her at the time years later she told me that the kids she was hanging with were messing with drugs. Maybe I saved her for a bit, either way you have to defend those who you love and I have always done that. 

Now those who find constant fault or blame you for their actions those are the kind of people you have to cut loose. I have had to in the last two weeks look deep into my life those around me and cut the ones who wouldn't walk half way to help me when I would cross mountains for them. This is the hardest thing I think but I remind myself these people in my life they also have my number can contact me on social media. But those that actively avoid me, or worse talk about things without even reaching out well those people don't really care and I have to basically put the same energy in as I am given. 

 Seeing people who you think highly of fall from grace is pretty hard. I was that person for a lot of people my people so trying to prove that it was moment of weakness in 48 years and not at all who I was or who I will be going forward. I have to remember this as those who want to gossip about it or try to hold one incident against me. These people will find fault in anything I do. We do not need these people and somehow the trash always removes themselves.

I have had a day of tears, but also of conversations that were not easy. Facing what happened the real reasons and trying to rebuild the trust and understanding is a day by day thing but the first step is always facing the hard things, and a big beef and cheder always helps.

Tomorrow is a new day can't promise it will be any easier to face anything but as long as you put in the work with those that matter they will be there to support you. The rest can kick several rocks.

Dear Me

 The payoff of 10 days of writing of self reflecting is that in the end you get to forgive yourself. Bonus points for having to write a letter to yourself in the past to forgive. One big thing I have learned is that forgiveness is never for the person or people who you feel have wronged you or hurt you, it is for you, when we carry hurt when we carry trauma in us it's like a rock we carry while trying to swim.

The more you hold on to the bigger the rock. Bigger the rock harder to swim. 

As a native person we all carry generational trauma, things totally out of our control things that happened to our parents and their parents. These things these past things are a result of so much done to our people and it is up to us, to start to break these cycles.

Up to me to break my family cycles.

As a parent I understand how native parents think how my mom thought, as my in laws thought. Our children were taken stolen abused, physically and mentally. Their identity was stripped and they tried to rebuild us into them. The only problem is our DNA is part of the land, our souls our spirits could never be broken completely. So they walked through the world wounded. These wounds were deep they are hard to overcome, because although we have had the tools to survive these tools also made us hard. We walk through this world a lot of us believing in the church now not because we truly believe, but because that believe was beat into us, like prisoners of war we complied to survive. I do not want to take the solace religion gives to anyone one but the trauma bond our people have with the church is not one built out of love of the word but of fear of what will happen if we don't attend. Our language, mannerisms, and the way we raise our families are all a result of what happened at those buildings by people whom we were forced to trust.

Because of this underlying issue because of this we hold our families closer, we try to prevent hurt, yet we are not affectionate, or really understanding. We have an entire generation of children who are now parents raised by those who attended the very schools designed to assimilate or eliminate which ever came first. Tis a very strange world we live in we are the children who were taught not to embrace who we were, this was out of fear. I shouldn't say we as my mom didn't grow up here in Canada so she was more vocal more willing to talk about who we are. My father how ever did. He suffered the most horrible of stories of course that is his story to tell not mine. Because of this he was always more distant more isolated. 

So I as most parents said to myself I will never be them, however there are things that have seeped into my life. I hold to hard to long. I try to control every situation, but I also try to fix every situation. My fight or flight is not even for me it's for my children, and my family. Protection.

Part of the reason I fell so hard is I didn't have control over what was being said, what was happening. Truth or facts didn't matter my brain couldn't compute it.

I need to accept that I am not a savior I am not perfect and most of all people are going to talk to attack and not like me. I have to just be confident in who I am, accept who I am faults and all and let go of what is out of my control.

So easy right......

That is the problem I keep going back to and don't know if I will ever truly be the person I should be, but I am working on it.

Acceptance is part of healing it's like in the serenity prayer that addicts quote.

"accept the things I can not change and know the difference."

So where does this leave me. Well truthfully this dive into self reflection has brought me to trying to solve bigger issues with my people I think that is a Coping mechanism for me why focus on the small stuff when there are these bigger problems don't be so selfish help your people. My mothers voice. I think that is how she coped. She couldn't fix her husband so lets just fix all our people get them rights teach them about everything and dedicate your life to them. Start a College, get people educated then they will fight for themselves.

Something my mom said in her later years while she was doing a study for a tourism center for our people was right now your story your history is being told by people who never lived it they are making money off of who they think we are. Do you want some middle aged white man telling the world who the Blackfoot people are or do you want to own your own history. 

I guess that imprinted on me pretty heavily as I still am looking to help our people rise back up, sadly the ones holding us back are ourselves. In that sense the experiment of Kill the Indian save the child worked. we do not think we have the power or knowledge to guide ourselves in to the next century.

But we do.

My healing has started but my need to help my people see themselves out of the darkness is always on my mind. So I am going to work to better this world for my grand daughter, for her generation. Through all the horrors our people have gone through we have to keep on swimming. So I am letting the rocks that are holding me down go. I can't change every person but I can make me a better version and that is what I am doing.

The anger and hurt that have been handed to me in so many ways by so many people some because they just didn't know better and those who needed me to hurt to make themselves feel better. I also am forgiving myself for not being the best mom. wife. sister, daughter, friend, and family member. I am forgiving myself for being a product of who I was raised to be but also for who I became.

We are warriors. Stoic, fighters.

All of these things designed to make us resilient, to make us survive have also hindered us. We don't believe in showing weakness, we do not talk about the things that make us uncomfortable. The street people, the people struggling with addiction, they are there because of this. When you push the shit down and just keep going you will need something to help you cope. More proof that a simple switch can't be turned on and off. 

Now I can be an advocate for help, counselling, therapy, medication when needed. all of these things along with finding your sense of purpose those are the tools that are going to help us.

I will end with this my biggest hero was my grandma, She worked her entire life with those same street people getting people sober, helping them, there were days where we would drive around with her giving food or jackets to the bums. She would say if they are hungry give them food if they are cold give them a jacket, but money that gives them booze. I have taught my kids this simple life lesson. I so wanted to be her as a child. I would sit in her office and watch her work. She did carry a secret well it wasn't that secret she could help every struggling person in town except the one she went home to every night. Now as a wife I can see the pain she must have felt the hopelessness, but still she rose everyday went to work and did her part. She is still my hero and I aim to be her everyday.

Forgive, let it go and move on 

With this the 10 days are done.  I will continue to write but hopefully my outlook and my thoughts will be on the happier side. either way thank you without you also I would not be here today. 

Columbus Who.......

 I know this may seem a bit off topic but really this "holiday" and who we really are really does fall into my healing process. So here I go today I choose to honor my mother who is such a huge part of who I am today even when I do not like to admit it to myself. Every choice she made with me or for me has shaped who I am.

From my earliest memory I have known who I am. I was almost slapped in the face with it. My mother graduated in 1969, she was right in the middle of the hippie movement in the white world but in the Indian world it was time of being fed up, drum beats of knowledge and resistance. Because of this she never sugarcoated anything about my race, my sex, and my place in this world. Now don't get me wrong as a child it was a lot of eye rolls and "I KNOWS". But now that I am an adult I find myself giving the same gusto she did when I speak on who I am and more importantly why I am.

As a female Native I was born with 2 strikes against me in a 3 strike world. "you are a woman, so automatically in the western world you are not equal to don't you ever forget that, and as a native woman no one cares in the western world you are even less than." I have molded my life around that fact. In the news today it is even more blaringly apparent. The western world will move mountains to find any girl unless she is native. I could go deeper into this mindset but for the purpose of this blog I think we will skate past this one. 

From about the age of 5 I can remember learning about wounded knee AIM, the fight of all native people, why did the tribes in California take back Alcatraz? And why the Fuck should I care? Let's start with my people.

Before it was widely accepted I learned about the Blackfoot Confederacy as a whole. I have never seen our Confederacy as 4 separated tribes but one people divided because we could not be conquered as a whole. "The Blackfoot are warriors Liz." 

Eye Roll

I learned of the battles we fought, but also the systematic genocide that we have been subjected to since that Spaniard got lost at sea and thought he found India. There are things that are in history books and then there are things that we learn because our elders and their elders spoke of them. We have a complete history of our people in the words and actions that is embedded in our DNA. 

I heard of Starvation Winter. something that to this day is not in any history book. The truth of it, the torture that was inflicted on our people, all in an attempt to starve us, poison us, eliminate the Indian problem. 

Since 1491 we have been assisting the lost tourists. Because at our core no matter the tribe, we are a people who help each other help those around us. More locally the border towns namely here on Blood Reserve, have lost sight on all the assistance the Blackfoot and more so the Kainai people have given them. That too is rewritten. 

Every event where we as a race helped another it has been met with the other party wanting more taking more and then shunning us.

and yet we survive and yet we prosper, we are still here in spite of the continued onslaught of hate and distrust. 

So today when Canada celebrates not going hungry because of our people and America celebrates a tourist getting lost, I celebrate the resilience of my people and the knowledge my mother handed down.

and yet still I rise

now eat your turkey or find your sales and keep on keeping on being brown

What's Love Got To Do With It??

 Well I made it TWO freaking weeks of writing my thoughts ramblings and all that Jazz. I managed not to name names point fingers or displace blame onto others.

Am I cured? of what I am not sure but no I am most defiantly not cured of all that broke me, I still have the thoughts no matter how hard I try, you replay parts of your life or your entire life. Doing so has however made me remember who I am. 

Who I am without saying I am his wife, their mom, your friend, the person who deserved to be destroyed.

No I was not born of money, but I was taught to work hard, out work everyone. There are 3 keys to success in life knowledge, hard work, and personality. I have all those things with or without anyone beside me so it's time to start thinking like I know who I am.

I have been doing so much self reflection, looking inside myself. Finding out what makes Liz tick, well it seems there is so much more to me then the outside. Yes my insides are still a mess, but that is what makes me human.

I had a very strong memory of my childhood, my big little brother and I growing up were for lack of a better term shit kids. we tormented each other the neighborhood and all of our older cousins. I always had to bounce shit off of him from being a little monster right up to today. Somehow nothing is undoable if I first talk to him about it. He has always been able to see inside, and just know. I try to be that same thing for him but I know deep down he has always been stronger and I just always fall in line with him. 

Well the day of my incident, he called me a few hours before, it was a normal enough call but he was fishing asking me questions and kept going back to how are you. I would answer like I always do fine it is what it is what did you need from me. I never imagined that so much would be dumped on my head in just a few hours after that I didn't have the strength to overcome it. I would never imagine I would ever be that low. 

strangely talking to him this week we had both had the same thought we both thought of my mom and how she felt what she went through and he said I never want to see you like that. She forgot who she was and let the negative win over and over don't you do that Liz. and I promised him but more importantly promised myself never again.

NEVER AGAIN!!

So where does that leave me now. Firstly I started writing again and that is a win. Like I said at the beginning of this journey I have always fancied myself a writer so I think I am going to keep this Blog up, and I am going to give stories from my life hopefully they will a bit more on the chipper side HOWEVER life is life so you never know. Secondly I am going to continue therapy. It is helping. 

But most importantly I am never going to hang my identity on anyone but myself. I am a mother wife sister friend and community member but above all of those things I am me, every hurdle I have overcome, every time I have stumbled I and I alone has picked me up and kept going. This time is no different there is just farther to climb back up.

I can do it and right now I feel better then I did yesterday, and I can actually go about my day without tears. That in itself is such as good thing. I was never one for tears or outward emotion. Don't get me wrong I am passionate about things, speak loudly, stand my ground if I believe in something I can defend that. but I am not emotional, I never have let emotions get in the way of logic before this so having to figure out how to balance my emotions and the logic of what is right and wrong, that is what I am figuring our right now. 

I also have given up on trying to control every situation, my children, and my husband all have lives that they need to live, my involvement will be what they need not what I want. 

I also am not always the only answer. that is the hardest one to swallow. I have always studied every situation to ensure that I know I KNOW. nut now I need to let people figure out things on their own.

That statement is the scariest thing I have thought or said. But I can not carry the load of everyone anymore. Mentally or physically I can't do it so hello this is the new and maybe improved me. 

If you know me personally and I seem aloof or distant just know I am not I am just finding my footing and it will all be ok eventually.

I may have damaged my heart but it is still there and the love I have for my true friends and family will never waiver, never change. 

Until tomorrow I everyone. 

Cutting out the Old

 Does anyone remember the bumper stickers of old with the bubble letters, cute little pictures? 

JUST KEEP TRUCKIN'

Yeah it's one of those nights I think. Because we have all lived by this statement at one time or another. At least I have. No matter what the issue you just keep truckin..... You got this.

You've got this.

I went and got my hair cut today. Bless my daughter she is trying to help me find myself again. The old Liz before would get her hair done, get pedicures, and care. I knew who I was why I was and no matter what happened I was sure of that.

Power through you got this 

I never thought doing this simple thing would help me like it did though and that is the truth. Changing things up and looking at the before and the after sure helps a lot. It really does.  I feel like I can face the world handle the questions and most importantly I can breathe and live. I know your outsides don't usually match your insides. Most times in fact your insides are torn the fuck up and your outside is like the shield to protect yourself.

The real question should be why do we have to hide how we really feel about somethings, why do we have to put a brave face on.

My big little brother put it pretty plainly to me yesterday however....... We all have people that hate us we all have people talking shit. What have we done this entire life Liz? so when are we done being sad? when is the pity party over and when do we get pissed off and take care of this shit?

I guess right now. I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be the one who takes a stand anymore but yet here I am doing it. Even though I don't want to be that person anymore because my initial instinct is to climb in a hole and ignore the world I am standing up and yelling at the top of my lungs......

Bring it.

Everything in my life in the last 33 years, is mine I have worked so hard to be me. I am pretty damn smart, I can handle any situation I have had thrown in my way up to this point. My problem continues to be that I can solve problems. I can be strong and I don't waiver. I needed and will continue to need to know my limits. 

As crazy as it sounds I have to learn how to balance everything because I can't totally change who I have been. I have to be ok with not fixing everything even when I try. I also have to admit its fine to cry but like I learned years ago cry until its done then it's over no more wallowing.

If someone thinks they lived my life good luck if you want my life you couldn't handle it. I have lived through more then I will ever admit and I am still standing.

Did you know that the vitamins I take saved my life. they did. Counter acted the sleeping pills and because of this they never took full affect. I was not aware this would happen but it did. Devine intervention maybe or maybe I just wasn't done in this world and I just needed this reset. 

Whatever the reason I am here facing my demons and still standing like always so I just Keep On Truckin. 

The Old Me and New Me are the same ME

My entire life I have never been the weak one, suck it up......

At five I broke my arm playing with all my cousins who happen to be boys. I was told quiet directly that if I cried I would NEVER be able to play with them again. I promptly got up and walked in my grandparents house laid on the couch and never whimpered once.  I don't know how many hours later my grandfather came home asked why I was just laying inside I said oh I'm just tired. I don't remember the pain at all I do however remember I got to ride in an ambulance and got McDonalds. That was amazing.

Life gets hard you don't cry about it you just figure a way through it. I have had to leave in the middle of the night because of some bullshit my father was on about one thing or another. Thankfully I had my cousin who is like my sister and best friend all rolled into one. She saved me so many times. But no tears. nope you just get through it. 

I have so many examples. Appendix needed to be removed I drove myself to hospital, and then checked myself out the next day. Shattered my arm went to a rodeo with the family the next weekend because I couldn't disappoint my child. Part of my colon removed home the same day. same with every surgery I have ever had. I don't have time to be sick or hurt or weak.

Part of the problem part of why I broke so bad is because I have always been so strong. I push past the pain put it away and deal. If it's losing someone, if its an emergency of some kind..... no one has time for mom to fall apart I have to hold it together.

I had a conversation with my cousin who could be my twin we have grown up together and are still so close, he knows me as well as I know myself. He told me I couldn't hide shit from him he knew something was wrong even before I did. I just couldn't verbalize it still having trouble doing it. But he knew.  He talked some sense into me today. 

He reminded me that we are stronger then we realize that we have lived through more then most people have ever, and it's ok to be sad but pull your self up and keep on moving. I broke because I became stagnant I forgot to keep moving forward, got comfortable. 

People are always going to hate on you speak ill of your name it's up to you do fight it off ignore it or just say fuck it. Somewhere in the last week I forgot all that.

I told him I was tired of fighting tired of being sick. I said it's unfair there are people who are addicts who live healthy lives for decades I feel like my body betrayed me. It isn't fair. But that is life and I can either cry about it or get the fuck over it.

I have been living in this holding pattern for the last little while afraid to bite the bullet afraid to do much of anything fighting illness will do that to you I suppose. But I can't keep doing this to myself. 

What was said to me how it was said that was designed to hurt to cut me and it did. But I am not broken. I am me I have fought and won every battle put in my path. 

As the big little brother said when are we done being sad and when do we start kicking ass. I guess right now I was trying to not be angry I was trying to be kind but that isn't my defense I fight back I fight my way out and now it's time to start fighting. 

Fighting for me. I do not need to replay what happened it already happened and I am still here. so starting today I start living for me. My family is welcome to come along but at this point this is about me and I will be ok. 

I went out did a photoshoot today and although the fear of outside sat in my stomach I powered through and I realized those that know me and love me will always be there and I can't stop living just because someone else wants my life. Not many people are built to handle what I have lived through what I have and not many can battle for their life in so many ways like I have so sorry but you can never be me and I am stronger because of your weakness.

You played your hand. I folded but I am still in the game, This time I am ALL IN so bring it.

Two steps forward one step back

 You ever have a dream so real you woke up and had to think about it. I can't be the only one who has these dreams. Come on guys lets be honest here it is a safe place. 

Anyway for the past few nights I have had some realistic dreams, not the oh I won a million dollars and all my problems are gone kind of dreams but those that are probability my inner fears are leaking into my subconscious. In my life I have been told  those fears are never to be spoken of you just deal with them. 

So why then am I having these fears that is what I really need to unpack, but where to start?  And is it really worth the trouble......

I have never been really afraid of anything, love horror movies don't really fret the small stuff I was diagnosed with Cancer 2 times so far and not a wince, so what now has me looking inward wanting to crawl inside a hole instead of facing the world.

No Liz you are being a bit dramatic, you can handle this I mean you have been through the rounds on so many levels. But your unsteady footing and being unsure of who you can and can't trust that is real. 

First things first it wasn't just one thing. I think I have to go back a bit further then just this incident I have had several life changing events in the last decade. Through no fault of my own for the most part. But I have had to make life adjustments, start over and find my way on more then one time. That is not taking into account the things I have carried for other people I have chosen to do that one as well so no real blame other then myself. But my family has had some real doozies. We will just leave it at that. 

How ever the this cookie crumbled it did.... and now to find a way to piece it back together. I don't think it will be easy. I have had trust broken from people I have been friendly to actual friends, family has turned out to be not so family like. My body had betrayed me in so many ways. I have had to try to start over from the bottom and that is not easy. This on top of losing those who mean so much to me, seeing those who don't deserve praise get ahead. I have had my character attacked. My family life attacked. people have snickered, pointed and talked about us. We have been the target of smear campaigns and hate. I say we have faced all of this but I have tried to smooth it out each time for everyone. 

So when this person who obviously saw weakness at the moment took advantage it was just too much to handle it was just one straw too much and I broke. It truly wasn't my finest moment. I haven't never wanted to die. I have fought so hard to stay alive through every uphill battle. I am not a weak person never have been yet here I am frail unsure and starting over from the very bottom AGAIN.

The bonus question asked in every appointment I have is how do we prevent this from happening again? I do not have a clear answer at least one that would be acceptable to any medical professional at least. I am not that person. I will never let myself get to that place ever again. But how Liz. First things first I will be more honest with how I am feeling when I feel overwhelmed I just internalize it. Like I was taught just suck it up. Well I now know I can't do that because it becomes too much. I also have to be ok with just being enough for me, and having a little left over for the cubs. but then there lies a problem how much is enough. 

Those kinds of questions don't really have an answer I suppose, play it by ear go on instinct be vigilant all that jazz I suppose. But first I have to familiarize myself with my new me. The one who doesn't have all the answers the one who has deep seeded fear and the one who worries. I don't like this new me. She doesn't trust anyone, let alone herself. So I guess I will have to work on that.

I am oh so grateful for those who have stood beside me know me and are being in my corner just know I see you and I am working on finding my way back to some resemblance of who I was it is just taking a bit of time. These next few days should be helpful with that. 

Don't give up hope on me I am in there I am here somewhere. Until tomorrow I guess 

finding myself through reflection

 I spent most of the day clearing out the junk of my life.... both metaphorically and in my house. Clutter, it makes you say how in the hell did I end up with all of this.....JUNK.

In my home it is easy enough my husband is half mouse half packrat. He collects things, one time he decided he needed pallets, no not one or 10 pallets it was truck loads on truck loads of them. We still have these pallets at the ranch and I still don't know why he needed them. That is just who he is. Just have to accept all the parts of him and I do. In return I collect craft things not just simple paper and scissors but like all the things bits and bobbles everything. You just never know.

I also just love clothes shoes and pretty things I am not sure if it is because I like clothes am addicted to shopping or if it's from my childhood not having enough. Whatever the reason I have more then one person should ever had. staring at my room I just get the feeling of overwhelming dread. Totally self inflected no one to blame but me. I also know I need to thin things out.

That goes for my mind as well if I sit too long I start to look to hard on the situation trying to make sense of it. Why does someone have to blow up another's life what joy do you get from that? What purpose did it have? I can't do that I can't reflect on what others are thinking or doing. Shit I can't for my own well being. 

I can however do a mental clean up of who in my life needs to stay and who it no longer matters if they are here or not.  I do not mean that in any way to be mean or hateful, but one thing this situation has brought to my eyes and I can not ignore is the fact that there are people out there that will reach out check on you worry for your well being because they care and there are those who question the situation because they are nosy. I am a firm believer in if you have my number you matter enough to me to talk to in real life. that goes for me as well if I want to know something I don't read all the posts about it, I don't ask those who are close to that person, I ask the person. If I don't know the person in real life then I really don't focus on the situation what ever it is.  We all have shit, we all have issues and not everyone is meant to be a part of our journey. Social media has given us this untethered look at everyone and we think because someone has clicked yes when you it sends you a friend request that somehow they are intitled to every aspect of our lives. Most notably the hard parts. The parts we struggle with. No You do NOT have full access to me or my issues. I will share what I feel I need to share.

I have chosen to share my lowest point yes, I needed to work through this publicly at least the parts I want to share. That however does not give you license to ask about my well being to any member of my family. Just ask me gee it might even help to hear from you. I try to always be honest with everyone about whatever it is, however I do not want to be the reason you whisper or gossip. There is no need. Truly. 

When we were younger and my husband drank and did the idiot things men did I hated when people would feel like they were protecting me if they didn't tell me things I would find out anyway. A real friend will tell you the hard things and hold your hand while you cry they won't judge you for your choices and they will always understand. They may not like it but they will stand beside you. That is a real friend. Like I said my husband and I had a rocky start. I don't make excuses for him I am perfectly aware of what happened and what didn't. This person however invented an entire life, contradicting themselves I didn't know you but then saying but you were mean to me. which was it. You and your friends hated me but, I don't know you I didn't know you. I moved away but he followed me. When when did this happen. I am still so confused. I know I promised I wouldn't speak on that epic fantasy this person had but I still go back and forth in my mind about how and why. 

Anyone who knows me and my family knows we do absolutely everything together. So when I started to take apart what was said the more I realize it just couldn't be unless there was a twin or something. So I have to start to think about why why would this person I have no idea even existed before last week, would want to rip my world apart and what purpose it had. 

I still don't have an answer for why.... obsession maybe they mentioned my family on TV so what you wanted the fame but we weren't famous for 30 years only one. and we aren't famous now. so still confused. My daughter was mentioned. as was my mother in law. still not clear how you thought they would just ignore me and what? ?? so confused. I know I can't keep going around and around with this. obviously this person is not ok. But that is not for me to prove. I have to get better. and I am working on that.

This situation is not the only reason this happened I broke because I wanted and needed to be everything. I had to have total control always. I have always been this way trying to control every situation and I have to retrain my brain to letting go of what I can not control and being ok if I don't know the outcome of a situation. 

That I think will the harder thing to do. I right now while I write this am trying to control this how this will be viewed. But I can't you all will believe what you want or need to believe. You all will think whatever you think and I can't control that. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with. 

So you all that read this and any future things I write will interpret it how you see fit, and yes you will judge me how you see fit. I have to be ok with that, after all I have chosen this for myself. This is the ultimate experiment of how well adjusted I am. Maybe this is me daring that person to step forward and prove their story I know that won't ever happen. 

That isn't the true goal I do know two things for sure, I am still here still standing, and I am somehow stronger not weaker, and I know that I am not a super human, I was brought to point of breaking shit I broke in a pretty stupid way, but it has helped me to see what my weaknesses are and how I can fortify them. 

I am still pretty gun shy when it comes to going out in public but each day it is getting easier.. Things are becoming clearer. 

If you have questions ask me if not just enjoy the ride I guess. another day out and still not many answers for the questions I have. I may never get them.  Part of this journey is accepting that and knowing I really don't need them, I guess.

Make it all make sense......

 I woke up this morning and I was so confused. I was confused about a few things but the one thing that confused me more then anything is how some people pretend to care. Yes I mean what I said they pretend to care, either for their own gratification or their need to be needed or shit just to find out first hand the gossip and be on the inside.

These are good doers the ones that always have advice for anyone going through anything. They know it all but they are pretending, because they never address their own issues no they instead interject themselves into others lives for a short amount of time and then move on.

We all know them professional grievers, first at a tragedy you know them I know them and they have always rubbed me the wrong way.

Now don't get me wrong I have asked for some time to heal I am not taking phone calls I am not really answering texts because I just don't trust myself just yet. But there are people who have reached out offered words of encouragement or just a little bit of a story of what I mean to them or whatever. I truly appreciate each and every one of those people I love those that are in my life. BUT there are also those who were first to be here, first to see the shit happen and then haven't tried to talk to me or anyone in my family. These are the people I know are the ones who are telling a story that isn't the truth, they couldn't possibility have all the facts yet I know they are speaking on my name.....

on my trauma. that idiotic word my trauma we all have trauma I just couldn't carry anymore, I know that is not the story being told in certain circles but whatever.

I have always lived by the creed don't judge others because we all have shit we have to weed through some of us are just better at it. I was usually one of those people. 

I had a discussion with my husband, I told him he didn't do this to me, not alone, I did it to myself, I chose to carry too much try to be too much and this is the result of that.

My therapist asked me so what do you think you could have done differently? Now that is the million dollar question. How do we retrain our brain to care less, about what people who don't know you think? What about the people who do know you how do we control what they think .... the answer is you can't.

I have had to realize in the last week that the perception of you and the real you they have to be the same. It wasn't that I wasn't real but it is that I just picked and choose what I share. protect yourself. This opened me up to being attacked with things that couldn't be proven but also gave me enough doubt in me that it didn't matter.

Never give someone else that power. easier said then done for sure, but I am working toward that. so the new me the me that has a million flaws who doesn't have the answers and the one who is scared that is the new me. 

Am I ok with that well I guess we will see. I am no longer going to be the fix it all. I can't be. Now the relearning starts and it starts with having people around me that want to be around me not because I need friends or family but because they want to be a part of my life just like I want to be part of theirs. 

that saying power in numbers that is a myth I choose to believe its better to have 4 quarters then 10 dimes or 20 nickels yes they both add up to the same but the quality is what really matters don't spread yourself too thin. 

Is there a higher power

 My entire life I have been curious about everything. One thing that has always baffled me is religion all religion. I am too practical, and I am just not ok with something forced on anyone. If you look at the history of religion through out time you see that who ever is in power uses their view on what heaven and hell are and that includes a lot of fear. 

Don't get me wrong you can believe whatever you want. It is not my mission in life to tell you what is real and what isn't. I do however read everything I can about all types of churches, I am more interested in why a group of people would believe something. I also find it interesting how they know for a fact that their way is the only way, I mean people have been being born and dying for centuries right? where are they all going? That's just how my brain works I can't help it.

Now we are Catholics, my children are baptized we attend church, but my relationship with the church is not as strong as it should be and I will never make my children choose that god. Each person and their relationship with whatever they believe should be their own. 

Someone asked me a while ago to explain the difference between our culture as Blackfoot people and religion, and there is a difference. Our culture is not a religion it is our way of life. Yes we pray and give thanks but it is a way of life, religion is structured and there is a good and bad a heaven and hell. Punishments for breaking commandments.

Ok Liz why are you touching this hot button item..... you promised your therapist you wouldn't be political..... Stay with me here this is important.

First of all what I did was a mortal sin, according to my religion, I know this it has been told to me murder is bad killing of ones self is the ultimate form of such. With that in the back of my mind always thou shall not...... 

You would think maybe I would have had pause, but I didn't I didn't even think twice I honestly believed I would see my mother, grandparents, my sister...... but how if there is a heaven and hell. Didn't even factor in. 

In the ambulance I remember two things I remember the paramedic in the back with me knew my daughter and I know I saw my mother. Sounds silly I know physically she wasn't there, maybe it was all in my mind, maybe she was meeting me at the gates of the sandhills to tell me no, who knows. But I did see her and she wasn't happy to see me.

Now no Catholic  would ever say oh you were visited by a loved one. That crap doesn't happen but it did so where does that leave me. More questions then answers. always seems to be the more I look deep the more questions I have.

I can shrug that away I guess. 

So the damage I did to myself had to do with both my kidneys and my heart. needless to say I started to have heart failure late Monday night, listening to the doctors and nurses say there wasn't anything else they could do for me was a bit alarming to say the least, you woke me up to tell me that I wasn't going to make it, I wanted to just go to sleep somehow you guys are making this a big deal now.......

I know the power my mother in law has in her prayers, there is a saying a lot of us are still here because of grandma's prayers. Believe it people. 

I don't think I was scared but I was worried because my kids were there, my husband was there, so I made a silent vow, a promise to our creator. That is between him and I and I will fulfill it, but I know that is why I am still here. 

I know I was in bad shape I am still pretty weak for sure, but I am on the other side now. Was it God or was it our creator are they the same thing?

Religion is really a comfort for the unknown it's a way for us to believe that we will go on somehow somewhere. 

I see people who attend church and pray but can be the most unkind to others the other six days a week and then I see those who are humble and kind and don't set foot in a church so what do I believe. I guess like I said it is a personal belief in what gives me comfort.

What gives me comfort right now is knowing that I have a creator, he has given me a second chance and that you do not leave this world until whatever job you have to do is completed. 

I also know now that there are people in this world who are not kind, they are spiteful mean and will tear you down to try to make themselves feel better. That is not anything new to me, I had just not dealt with that in over 20 years. I guess the lesson I have learned is that I need to always be aware of my surroundings and stop being so trusting in the world. 

I am not sure if any of this even matters to anyone but me but I know I needed to go through this in my head. some one said thank the lord your still here.......

Um ok you can thank him and I will thank the creator both of them must have had a hand in it. And I will not waste the second chance I have been given. No more waiting for the cancer to eat me up  I have some living to do.

Now how to break it to my husband that I want a tattoo Ha ha welcome to the new Liz get on board or get out of the way.

reclaiming my time

 I have never felt like I needed to hide who I am, I was always self assure and aware of everything. This is something new for me. 

Makeup has always been fun for me, until yesterday, it became my shield to venture out. I couldn't walk out the door, without my heart starting to race sweat beads down my back. No this isn't who I am No I have always been sure of what I am doing where I am going and who the hell I am. Until now this is all new to me for the first time in my life. 

It would be easy to blame any number of things for this any moment in the last year and a half could have caused me to break in the way I broke but all of those things I walked into with open eyes. So ultimately this all falls on my shoulders. And that is the problem. It all falls on my shoulders I have chosen to be the person I am, I don't ask for help I am never wrong. This is one of the things I have to learn how not to be.

Our elders have this thing they say I can't spell it but roughly translated it is Don't worry about it. Basically they are saying it will work out it's not that big of a deal. I have never learned that amount of chill. Maybe someday I will figure that out but for now I fret, I fret about things I can control and more then not I worry about the things I have zero control or say over. 

I focus on what can be. Running scenarios through my mind playing all possible and impossible outcomes. But everyone does that don't they have full blown conversations in their head before you even see the person or get to where ever your going? 

It's like the boy scouts, always be prepared. and I am usually right on top of everything. Except for the last year and a half I haven't been. I have been flying blindly into situations. 

The amount of care I should be putting into everything is terribly lacking in every department. 

I have always had great time management, work ethic and ability. until now. my lack of care was bleeding into everything I been doing. Truthfully that doesn't bother me even now. 

I would wear the same sleep shirt and sweats for days on end. comb your hair who cares. I just couldn't muster up enough care to do anything. Messy house messy life. and believe me it's pretty freaking messy right now. 

So me taking the time to actually put makeup on is a good thing. 

Something everyone keeps telling me is that I have to be kind to myself but I wasn't raised to be kind to yourself what the hell is wrong with you if your not bleeding to death suck it up. 

I think through all of this that is what I am struggling the most with is that, WEAKNESS or the appearance of weakness. Get your shit together I can hear my grandpa I can hear myself muffled but I can hear it.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Ok but how..... right now I am struggling with where to start, baby steps..... but who has time for that. But I also know I have to get myself back to where I use to be. and I don't have time for baby steps. 

My favorite thing to tell myself is if they don't feed you house you or pay your bills they don't matter. but right now all I can think is how can  I stop people from staring judging me. At the same time I really shouldn't give two shits. guess you can all see where my mind is at. 

I am caught between I really don't care what you think and oh god don't talk about me. I know I have chosen to put this out there I have chosen to allow you all to see my struggles so I really can't cry about you looking at me when I invited you in. That is the tradeoff. 

So we went to town yesterday and I have never had anxiety ever I never stressed about being anywhere alone or with who ever until yesterday. 

My husband walked down an isle I went down the next I saw someone I knew and I started to panic. No I wasn't afraid it was something else something deeper. I needed a shield a barrier between me and the world. I am still so hurt that he is going to have to be that for me. He also doesn't know how to handle this new me I have never been clingy never unsteady he is having to see me smaller in stature  I want to fade in to the background. 

hopefully that starts to fade, as I find myself again or become who I am suppose to be. 

I know I don't owe anything to anyone I owe this to myself to find my footing. I have given up I was preparing myself to say goodbye long before this. Not that I wanted to take my own life but that the universe or the cancer gods or who ever was going to get sick of me and finally say game over.

I did have moments of hope this summer at our annual big camp with Motokii's  I felt their prayers it was a special feeling I can't make anyone understand but I felt better. Until I realized that person was watching me they came to our camp and what stared at me. Judged me who knows but now that special feeling I had has been replaced by insecurity. They did that and I want to reclaim my power my life. 

But I have always said I have lived my life ensured I raised good kids, did what was right even when I didn't agree with it. I am a good person or at least have a good heart. My one fatal flaw is that I am too loyal I will totally cut someone off from me if you wrong someone I love. so now how do I cut myself off from me. I hurt the person most important to me ME.

Each day I am getting better. I was touch and go about going to Las Vegas in a few weeks but I feel like I have to go. I have to prove to myself that I am ok, that I can handle the stares and whispers but more importantly  I can still be me. 

I think tomorrow I am going address the ethical questions I keep asking myself. but for right now I am reclaiming me for me.